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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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A Kiwi, gagged and bound
I took off his helmet Oblig.
Which I nailed to the pelmet (In lack-of-rhyme mode there)
As he uttered a whimpering sound
It's spring, and the sap starts to rise!
A tumescence of frightening size !
*Break in space-time continuum*
Leaves me looking like I ate the pies
It came to me all in a flash
Why shouldn't I print my own cash?
It takes not much skill
To knock up a bill
And wait for the next Wall Street Crash
By jove, the weekend is here!
A cause, as ever, for cheer!
I shall gambol and caper
And read the newspaper
Until - no, it's Monday! Oh dear
And so we all trudge off to work
Dressed up like a crude, apeish berk.
It would be less bad
If only I had
Time to play moves, not just lurk
My passport is way out of date
The photo shot when I was eight
I was a boy in those days
Before a difficult phase
And, of course, 'twas before I met Kate.
I believe it's quite hard to rhyme orange
Yes, it is, and we've been there before.
Penelope has killed off one more
The blatant, man-eating whore! just kidding pen..
Her tastes are voracious
Her dress sense ... audacious? but what do I know ...
And I've heard that she consumes them raw You rotten swines :o)
I've invented a new kind of boot:
It sometimes emits a loud hoot
The heel is explosive
When touched by corrosive
but frankly, it costs too much loot.
Mohammed Said al-Sahaf I confess I sniggered when I spotted his name was an entire limerick line. The rhymes, of course, are up to you ...
Gave us all a jolly good laff
By always insisting
Iraq is resisting
And he's appearing on Saddam's behalf.
My friends, I have something to say.
My emotions can't get in the way.
I'm speaking with candour
I've got a big gander.
But sadly, I've nothing to lay. Now then, that's quite enough of all that. Move along now, please.
A green token at Notting Hill Gate
Is a tactic you can use to abate
A Circle Line Inversion
Without use of subversion
And lower the Harston Freem Rate
This technical talk is all greek
It's conventional wisdom I seek
For advice on a hat
Or which breed of cat
Or even the day of the week
  • The best breed of cat is the Moggy
    • I eat four when I feel a bit groggy
    I fry them with cheese Welcome Peneloope.
    After spraying the fleas
    Though I do find that makes them go soggy
    I want sausage, egg, chips and a tea
    That's for a friend, it's salad for me
    I'll have it with spam
    Washed down with a dram
    Of battery acid or three
    In case of emergency, you should
    Supply us with cold Yorkshire Pud
    A pint of warm ale,
    Which we slowly inhale
    Though we know it won't so any good

    ack! *do* any good... not "so"...

    I can spell but my proofreading sucks (drawing inspiration from ineptitude...)
    Eggs like a grandmother clucks
    Disapprovingly when
    are you coming? At ten?
    Those white-coated in their trucks.

    I remember the very first time
    Apologies - previous last line should read "Those white-coated men in their trucks" so much for proof-reading.
    Start again
    I remember the very first time
    I wrote my first limerick line
    It began with a word
    Writer's block then occurred
    A writer cried as he ran past
    "The monster that follows is vast"
    "So pick up your pen"
    "And let me know when"
    "It has finished its morning repast"
    There was a young lady from Crewe
    Who said not 'Good-day' but 'Adieu'
    For she went 'fore she came *parka please*
    She was never the same
    And I wouldn't like that - would you?
    The first day of summer is here
    And it's made my petunias go queer!
    They're drooping right over
    My four-leaféd clover
    Though I watered them with the best beer
    I've been stuck in the office all day
    With a pitchfork, a horse and some hay
    The resulting output *sidling towards coat rack*
    Means there's something afoot...
    The Amish have joined the twins Kray.
    Whenever I go to the shops
    Dow Jones rises but our FTSE drops
    One Euro is worth
    A fortnight in Perth (Scotland or Australia - you choose...)
    Or a ticket to Top of the Pops
    The kroner, peseta and lira
    Are no use on a trip to Madeira
    Not even escudos
    (Though they may earn you kudos)
    Will buy you a few pints of beer
    Enumerative Combinatorics
    Read at night, with a big mug of Horlicks,
    Is the very best thing
    To get back in the swing
    And to make you all true alcoholics
    A hairy young Vicar from Perth
    Should be given a very wide berth
    Lest his big hirsute mits
    Which are cold - he admits
    Be employed to assist giving birth
    Again unemployment is down
    Since everyone's becoming a clown
    simulposted - spooky! for I have a new job as a clown
    I perform in the House
    Where often I douse unfinished sentence alert..
    My wife, when she's in her best gown
    I wish I could be a buffoon
    And dance by the light of the moon
    I would prance like an elf
    Casting spells at myself
    And play Mahler on the bassoon
    A wonderful sight to behold
    Is rab (or so I am told)
    But snorgle, however
    (when clad all in leather)
    Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
    [snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

    It seems pen's asking for trouble

    As I'm not quite as old as my double
    aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
    But the double I've seen is
    [pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
    Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
    And now my double is double bubble
    Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
    I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
    I asked his advice
    About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
    And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
    Eurovision's come round again!
    So let's have a big hand for Spain
    'Cos they know how to dance
    So much better than France
    And list'ning to Norway's a strain
    And talking of strain:
    My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
    My innards now flow like the Tigre
    It's not at all funny
    Why can't it be runny?
    And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
    I'm in dire need of good advice!
    About the cost of herb and spice
    For I make pot pourri
    And I brew it like tea.
    Does it work to eradicate lice?
    Tonight, in the Big Brother House
    There will be an arrogant louse
    Who claims to know
    That Anouska will go
    OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
    But will he talk or is he a mouse.
    sorry forgot a line.
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
    D'no. Good question Pen'.
    Why not speak of blatant floozies?
    Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
    Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
    In the quest for new methods of scansion
    < Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
    OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
    We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
    [pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
    Each line becomes prone to expansion
    The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
    The less well they vet
    And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
    If you find yourself short of a rhyme
    Or your syllables all out of time
    Don't panic - just doodle
    Or suck on a noodle
    Or large Gin with tonic and lime
    Hurrah!

    When pen's full of derring and do

    s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
    No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
    the resemblance to shite
    Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
    I once had a haddock called frank
    That I'd use to give children a spank
    The fish didn't mind
    Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
    cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
    "Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
    said the man who was driving a tank
    Quite why he should yell
    well, no-one could tell
    but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
    Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
    He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
    In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
    I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
    For the subsequent puddle of wee
    It doesn't take a genius, you know
    to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
    but calligraphy
    Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
    May result in a word overflow
    That President Bush is so smart!
    He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
    but Saddam's disappeared,
    behind a big beard
    And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
    I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
    But we did everything that we could
    The defibrilator
    was unable to cater
    For a heart that was made out of wood
    A ride on the night bus to Romford
    Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
    You part with your fare
    travel as far as you dare
    Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
    On moving to Nik's shiny server
    We could scarcely contain our great fervour
    Our bookmarks are updated
    Download time truncated
    We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
    D'oh! Forgot the bold!
    DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
    That's why he suffered this mishap:
    He left out a tag
    But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
    He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
    Ignore not the rules of scansion
    Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
    When being quiet anal
    When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
    Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
    So fill out your lines with aplomb.
    A game of Celebrity Shares
    Will attract the bulls and the bears
    The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
    But better not risk
    All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
    While walking to work in the rain
    I danced as I felt quite insane
    [Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
    (as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
    And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
    The day you install a new bath
    Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
    But - beer or bathwater?
    Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
    Before I go down the bath path
    To make the best beef and veg. stew,
    First kill your cow. Then take two
    Bushels of sweet potatoes
    Fry them on a hotplate, close
    The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
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    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord