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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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I will post no more lines to this site
Cause B Gates are dating me tonight
Are been messed around ;)
And my output are turning to sh*te OK then, it's back to the basics. Now people, pay attention...
There once was a barmaid from Sale
Who had lovely big jugs full of ale
She came to my table
And asked: Are you able…
And that was the end of my tale.
A good-natured nudist from Crew
Lost his sweater in Birmingham zoo
He searched high and low
but what he didn't know (my last effort did rhyme if you look at the first line, as it always does if you count in time...so yah boo sucks to ZK
[widey] With respect, it didn't. "Chaste" and "rust" just don't rhyme. Feel free to elucidate if you feel they do.
Was that it had been et - by a gnu
I have a confession to make
I just ate a seven-pound cake.
I now weigh twelve stone
Yet I'm still skin and bone!
cause all that I eat is just fake?
Once the Bishop of Westminster Abbey
the metre-maid
The Bishop of Westminster Abbey
Had a scandalous fling with a cabbie
Then His Holiness said:
Eat my body, my bread
(that should have been in quotes)
"Go on, It's not all that flabby Where is that coat of mine?
Three amphibrachs: feminine ending.
on hold for a Limerick pending
judicious deployment (Projoy) There's me amphibrachs, matey; where are yours? :-)
delicious enjoyment..my favorite amphibrachs. Cheers all!
[Rosie] - Ensuring avoiding offending
[Rosie] There you go. I've often wondered whether you can only count whole words as feet or whether you can run over the barlines, so to speak. Is the first line above made of three amphibrachs, or a single syllable followed by two dactyls then a trochee? Perhaps there is no answer.
These wierdos are speaking in Greek!
True Britons the baselines must seek! Me neither Greek nor Brit...
Let's talk Anglo-Saxon (Projoy) I think you can run over the barlines, as you say, if the two words are part of a phrase but I think it would be stretching the definition to breaking point to call that first line 3 amphibrachs. One possibly i.e. "amphibrach" but I'm not sure where the stress lies. It's not in my Concise Oxford Dictionary 1964. Too bloody concise, obviously. :-)
Let’s rhyme that with huuh...... Jackson
Now I talk and I look like a freak.
They met at the bar 'Lotus Flower',
At the foot of Pisas leaning tower
She sipped a Martini
He showed her his "weeny"
They both slipped away for a shower
[Rosie] I think the word "amphibrach" is a dactyl, stress on the first syllable. I must admit (perhaps because of a musical sort of background) I'd never really considered the whole-phrases question in that light. In music it's 3/4 (or whatever) regardless of the lyrics fall. By that perception a limerick line is always three amphibrachs (or two and an iamb), whatever the enjambement. It's when you get into freer verse, like sonnets, that it gets really hard to judge. We had a discussion a while back about whether "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day" is really five iambs, or (as your view suggests) a dactyl, spondee, anapest and iamb (or maybe choriamb, dactyl, antibacchius). Anyway, the only reason for posting on it was that I just found this, which is surely the most definitive list of metrical feet to be found on the web. Anyone for some double asclepiads?
So Crowley Deck's a Tarot-dactyl
Don’t ask me, I think they used butyl? (Toby, I don't get what you're aiming at, but in Greek mythology the Dactyls were a strange race of creatures associated with the goddess Cybele and they were believed to live on Mount Ida and invented the art of working metals into usable shapes with fire)
(And as this site seems to be a good place for education, here’s a little something to enlighten your tarot knowledge? http://www.bureau-13.com/crowleys_deck.html)
It's a pun. The phrase is a dactyl; I was aiming at dinosaurs.
And there are things that rhyme with it.
There once was a Tarotic Dino; Who courted a horny young Rhino; The made love for a week; And they danced cheek to cheek; After while came a Wine-Dine Bambino
What happened to The Back to Basics campaign? Were you not listening, Toby and anonymouse? Tsk,tsk.
There was a bling-merchant from Slough
who's only friend was a cow!
But he sold her for beans, *apologising for the slightly irregular metre*
And you know what that means
He had to let Grandma pull the plough. So, we’re back to basics huh? Considering she’s just 90 and is eating like a horse it’s OK with me ;-)
There once was a preacher in Venice
who had a big red engine called dennis
And he played with his toy
allow me ...
There once was a preacher in Venice
Who had a red engine called 'Dennis'
He played with his toy
Bringing solace and joy
As an arsonist he was a menace.
Oh, show me the way to go home!
I tire and would fain go to bed
[Kim] Or "to Rome", maybe? Or "v'dome"?
Cause I’m longing so for Jerome, We will meet in Kim’s bed hi Projoy, please carry on...
for reasons best unsaid (Marc) As far as I know, Kim is a bloke, as I am too. :-)
(But let’s nail ‘im down at his tome;-) ... arn't we all blokes doing what we do right now??
There once was a man on the Moon
But no-one is going back soon
The cost was tremendous
The locals horrendous
And the shops kept on shutting at noon.
I can't stand a woman who moans *female author get-out clause declared*
And who nags, bickers, argues and drones *quickly getting out of the room declared*
So when I have time
I will teach her to mime
And keep her away from the phones.
There was a young lad from Madras
Trained a rather intelligent ass     As one does.
It could mime and eat apples
chew dildos, make fallefels
and prove theorems by Pythagoras (a square ass indeed!)
You sleep very well in Dundee
Unless stung on the nose by a bee
But under your kilt oblig.
is the source of your guilt Ooh, deep insight.
and that which thou useth to pee.
Whilst swimming with old Jacques Cousteau
I noticed black shadows below
I pointed and said
"I thought Blackbeard was dead!"
“But look out, cause he’s still on the show!”
She once got this funny idea
To make Humpty Dumpty a peer
But dubbing his shell
Caused the poor egg to swell
And cracked up his lovely veneer.
In the grand scheme of things - on the whole,
We may soon end up in - a black hole,
On the road – let’s have fun!
Before we become
Singularitarly out of control
The tortuous path to nirvana
Is halituous using marijuana
[anonymouse] You have enriched my knowledge of English.
To light up a spliff
And crash out like this
[Raak]It is explained in OneLook (halituous=like breath; vaporous) and the line is supposed to mean that you end up as smoke instead of reaching nirvana if you are stupid enough to use that drug (please also note the attemt to get a double rhyme with line 1).
You’d better turn left in Botswana?
She walked along Copacabana
masked by nought but a smoking Havana
But when the wind blew
up her dress flew!
some white-space here In a
Clearly provocative manner.
(revealed she’s a Fata Morgana?)
In order to make a white sauce
To compliment your favorite fish course
Take some butter and flour
Stir at least once an hour
Then remove from the pan with brute force!
Soft bran, taken three times a day,
For chick’s, to keep the cock away, ...birdie nam nam...
Little chicks that are fed
Little chicks in my bed....
It'll fix all their ailments, hooray! [Marc] <mode="patronise"> line four scanned wonderfully, nearly there with line two ;-) </mode>
Please look at my lovely new bladder!
A loan from my grandma’s puff adder,
The large venom sac
Can be strapped on my back
And doubles-up as a nice ladder
My sting then may spit a big splatter (using rhyming license 2684, US-accent imitation, and [Bigsmith] "Age before beauty!" ;-)
(Which is banned at the Henley Regatta)
[Marc] I believe the usual retort to "age before beauty" is "pearls before swine". :) Continuing from what I take is UK's second line of a limerick beginning with your last line...
I must first get my coat
Then as ‘Korky’ we’ll float…
As my world may suddenly shatter.
Red Baron chased this Sopwith Camel,
Steered his plane - one eye of enamel,
One tooth of pure steel,
And a screw-off left heel
Curse you!, you Teutonic trammel
I'm itching to tell you my news!
Termites are eating the pews!
The vicar's gone mad!
There’s nothing to add!...lots of !!! tonite...
Does all of this tend to bemuse?
You know, I look forward to Monday
'Cos it always comes right after Sunday (grabbing the only rhyme for "Monday" in the language...)
Tho' Saturdays tend
To mark the weed's end One epiphany after another, this one...
Goddammit, "weeks's", you know I meant
Oh, I give up.
...let’s hope you are through before Friday?
They Samba a lot down in Rio,
While driving in a Renault Clio
So when you cross the street
Don't look at your feet
Just do it all with style e con brio.
“I can’t dance but I’m yours!” she said,
"But you'll find that I'm alright in bed"
So under the duvet
We play games that two play taking the male voice for this line
She came first past the post by a head.
disgraceful!
It's time for a nice cup of soup
Because everything else I throw up (Northern accent declared)
…unless whiskey you add… (any accent possible)
...then you won't feel so bad (RP invoked)
Though it may cause a case of the droop.
"The game," Sherlock said, "is afoot!"
"Let's follow these footprints of soot!" (It could happen)
My dear Watson, however,
Not nearly so clever
Quite ugly, and bald as a coot
There's a bloke that works in our office
Who says he's the author of Sophos (the virus)
He is bald but not bold
and frankly looks old
But his code's not as vile as his cough is.
Standing naked, on hill, with eyes closed
Is not as much fun as supposed
It gets rather chilly
Around the old willy ... Yeah, I know - coat!
Not mentioning things unexposed....
She couldn’t resist what she saw,
The (shining) gold-tooth in his upper jaw,
The stainless steel hand
his wooden leg and..
.. his triumph in the Lotto™ draw.
his hardwood dick without any flaw.alternative ending and line 4: one banger, tin canned?
[Marc] are we supposed to applaud your lines 2, 4 & 5? :-)
[Chalky] no, they are submitted just as examples of lines that should be banned from a serious site like this and any mature person writing such should be ashamed! ;-)
There are times when it’s nice to be mean,
Mr Average, Joe Cool, Mr Clean
are all personal friends
And we follow the trends
Kicking ass, giving bruises bluish green. do you mean 'mean' or just 'mean'?
Now soon it is time for the Harley,
Said my friend, dear old, old Jacob Marley, indirect statement sloppily invoked
He first got a TATTOO
His Hells Angels membership came through
So he downed a brewed barrel of barley. [plump] Don't let Penelope see that line...
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
Who took on a post as a punter. Argh! No pun intended!
He punted his boat
To an island remote
And hoisted a wild Jackass Gunter
Some sailors get wet when they're sailing,
Some whalers get wet when they're whaling
But me and my crew
Get seasick, and we spew
And don't bother to lean o'er the railing
That last one made me laugh out loud
And banished my gloomy black cloud ... me too :-)
So rejoice and be merry
And toast it with perry
For being so comicly endowed†
My spirits have taken a dive
; My sandwich of onion and chive unfini...
Has thrown itself off
As it forced me to cough
up all over this 'orrible dive.
Preventative measures exist
To stop you from getting too pissed
Use a plug or a bag ....
Or the missus will nag
but don't become misogynist. With suitable syncopation.
There once was a spy in the Whitehall,
Who slipped all the mandarins Nytol
While they were abed
She sneaked in and read
Diatribes by Nicholas Whitchall

That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
Er, <hr>
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
It can suck, it can blow,
*Uses nail scissors on the knot in the loop of the space-time continuum*
That's not what a hoover is for!
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
It can suck, it can blow,
And in case you don't know
Cannot love, but so what? vive l'amour
(sorry for the multipost - it sprang upon me)
The conductor put down his baton
And eyed the bassoon, who had spat on... attacca (unfino sentenza)
the Trumpeters notes...
, the piccolist's stoats,
and the third oboe's dad, Derek Hatton.
[T,PJ,P,R,r] Bravo!
It is not necessarily true,
But this apprroximation will do
That pi is defined
By two hearts entwined
Round Rolf Harris, and a didgeridoo
My hickory dickory dock
Got caught in the old Vicars jock
-strap, quite by chance
As I made an advance
And that's why I'm now in the dock
You'll never get me on a train
I've no courage, no heart, nor no brain [Oz declared]
I’ll just sit here and wait
With the scarecrow as bait
For the witch to come by with her plane.
She felt that her implants escaped,
And became a crusader(caped)
Her rampant enhancement
Improved the advancement
But her rearguard was not so well shaped.
Syntactical tactics like these
Methodologic'ly ease
Lexicographer's tricks
keen semantics
Impractical praxis will squeeze?
There once was a Caveman in Soho,
Who bought Aerosmith's "Honkin' on Bobo",
Then he hid in his cave
(There are a few better rhymes for Soho I'm sure)
For a rock music rave [Lisa] Go on then, now's your chance... :)
And made a wall painting of his Moho...girls!
Last night at the ‘Mad Vicar’s’ Pub,
Known for good spirits and poor grub
I supped on my beer careful to avoid the dreaded pint rhyme.
Then felt rather queer
And went to the Vicar to get a good rub. strange pub indeed?
make sure that you live! (just in case…)
we too oft forget in the daily race
to earn us a crust
Or do what we must
To compete in the dawn-to-dusk race
They framed the U.S. constitution
And box'd the Chinese revolution.....who?
But now, just for gays
They're counting the days
To marriages of dissolution
I've a friend who lives out in Taiwan
Who's a great great grandson of Genghis Khan
His main occupation [an'ymouse] one less 'great' would be great :-)
At Waterloo Station
At the ‘Ladies’ as a standin’ Don Juan. [Chalky] You are right, but for sure he then would have been dead a long time ago, now (really: great great great great ..... grandson) there’s a chance he can still be at service ;-)
The fat ugly Vicar of Brunswick,
Got stuck as he tested his new trick
of sawing in half
Some poor girl in a scarf
and a mouse with a strange nervous tick.
I built the Embankment for drains
but now they've gone and stuck trains
underground, I might add
Cut and cover's quite mad!
It’s time now to restart the brains.
Whenever you meet the grim reaper,
Ask if he knows someone cheaper
For the business of death
As described in Macbeth ...nice topic a sunny Monday morning
Doth cost when the dagger's plunged deeper.
Contingency plans have been made
To protect our stash of lemonade
From life's depredations
And thirsty Alsations
but it's gone, all in vain, I'm afraid.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "how")
And dress as Jack Hargreaves from How
but let's "Out Of Town"
Discard the ball gown
And quote from "Apocalypse Now"
I have heard there’s a ghost in Hyde Park,
Who perpertrates crimes after dark
For instance, it lifts
all the prizes and gifts
and feeds them all to a shark.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "show")
Cause tonight they rehearse the echo show
In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
Hey, diddle, diddle
At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
Shout "hello sailor"
To the next passing whaler
Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
There once was a whaler from Wales,
Who told many sea-faring tales
About living on blubber
and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
There once grew a Rose in this garden
Which, treated too roughly, would harden
With thorns thick and sharp
And a tough pericarp
He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
The strange things which float in a bath
Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
Like my pink rubber duck
And the layer of muck
Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
The snow is all turning to slush
And spring is approaching, with rush
Now the pollen count soars
And those pro-Winter bores :P
Will shut up and give us some hush!
While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
Which, swollen and red,
Suppurated and bled
So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
There once was a Limerick forger
Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
The result, he found
Will forever astound
The folk of Atlanta Georgia
When directing traffic, beware
Try connecting me with, a prayer
John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
No traffic in bed!
Cause it's naughty directing it there!
The lies I have told in my time
In pursuit of an end so sublime
That I now laugh and gloat
And endlessly quote
How I bought Microsoft for a dime
There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
Who'd do anything, just for a goose
but his quests for a duck...
met with naught but a cluck
From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
nice one :-)
Today I am going to try
To greet everyone with a lie
It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
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