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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Said my friend, dear old, old Jacob Marley, indirect statement sloppily invoked
He first got a TATTOO
His Hells Angels membership came through
So he downed a brewed barrel of barley. [plump] Don't let Penelope see that line...
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
Who took on a post as a punter. Argh! No pun intended!
He punted his boat
To an island remote
And hoisted a wild Jackass Gunter
Some sailors get wet when they're sailing,
Some whalers get wet when they're whaling
But me and my crew
Get seasick, and we spew
And don't bother to lean o'er the railing
That last one made me laugh out loud
And banished my gloomy black cloud ... me too :-)
So rejoice and be merry
And toast it with perry
For being so comicly endowed†
My spirits have taken a dive
; My sandwich of onion and chive unfini...
Has thrown itself off
As it forced me to cough
up all over this 'orrible dive.
Preventative measures exist
To stop you from getting too pissed
Use a plug or a bag ....
Or the missus will nag
but don't become misogynist. With suitable syncopation.
There once was a spy in the Whitehall,
Who slipped all the mandarins Nytol
While they were abed
She sneaked in and read
Diatribes by Nicholas Whitchall

That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
Er, <hr>
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
It can suck, it can blow,
*Uses nail scissors on the knot in the loop of the space-time continuum*
That's not what a hoover is for!
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
It can suck, it can blow,
And in case you don't know
Cannot love, but so what? vive l'amour
(sorry for the multipost - it sprang upon me)
The conductor put down his baton
And eyed the bassoon, who had spat on... attacca (unfino sentenza)
the Trumpeters notes...
, the piccolist's stoats,
and the third oboe's dad, Derek Hatton.
[T,PJ,P,R,r] Bravo!
It is not necessarily true,
But this apprroximation will do
That pi is defined
By two hearts entwined
Round Rolf Harris, and a didgeridoo
My hickory dickory dock
Got caught in the old Vicars jock
-strap, quite by chance
As I made an advance
And that's why I'm now in the dock
You'll never get me on a train
I've no courage, no heart, nor no brain [Oz declared]
I’ll just sit here and wait
With the scarecrow as bait
For the witch to come by with her plane.
She felt that her implants escaped,
And became a crusader(caped)
Her rampant enhancement
Improved the advancement
But her rearguard was not so well shaped.
Syntactical tactics like these
Methodologic'ly ease
Lexicographer's tricks
keen semantics
Impractical praxis will squeeze?
There once was a Caveman in Soho,
Who bought Aerosmith's "Honkin' on Bobo",
Then he hid in his cave
(There are a few better rhymes for Soho I'm sure)
For a rock music rave [Lisa] Go on then, now's your chance... :)
And made a wall painting of his Moho...girls!
Last night at the ‘Mad Vicar’s’ Pub,
Known for good spirits and poor grub
I supped on my beer careful to avoid the dreaded pint rhyme.
Then felt rather queer
And went to the Vicar to get a good rub. strange pub indeed?
make sure that you live! (just in case…)
we too oft forget in the daily race
to earn us a crust
Or do what we must
To compete in the dawn-to-dusk race
They framed the U.S. constitution
And box'd the Chinese revolution.....who?
But now, just for gays
They're counting the days
To marriages of dissolution
I've a friend who lives out in Taiwan
Who's a great great grandson of Genghis Khan
His main occupation [an'ymouse] one less 'great' would be great :-)
At Waterloo Station
At the ‘Ladies’ as a standin’ Don Juan. [Chalky] You are right, but for sure he then would have been dead a long time ago, now (really: great great great great ..... grandson) there’s a chance he can still be at service ;-)
The fat ugly Vicar of Brunswick,
Got stuck as he tested his new trick
of sawing in half
Some poor girl in a scarf
and a mouse with a strange nervous tick.
I built the Embankment for drains
but now they've gone and stuck trains
underground, I might add
Cut and cover's quite mad!
It’s time now to restart the brains.
Whenever you meet the grim reaper,
Ask if he knows someone cheaper
For the business of death
As described in Macbeth ...nice topic a sunny Monday morning
Doth cost when the dagger's plunged deeper.
Contingency plans have been made
To protect our stash of lemonade
From life's depredations
And thirsty Alsations
but it's gone, all in vain, I'm afraid.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "how")
And dress as Jack Hargreaves from How
but let's "Out Of Town"
Discard the ball gown
And quote from "Apocalypse Now"
I have heard there’s a ghost in Hyde Park,
Who perpertrates crimes after dark
For instance, it lifts
all the prizes and gifts
and feeds them all to a shark.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "show")
Cause tonight they rehearse the echo show
In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
Hey, diddle, diddle
At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
Shout "hello sailor"
To the next passing whaler
Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
There once was a whaler from Wales,
Who told many sea-faring tales
About living on blubber
and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
There once grew a Rose in this garden
Which, treated too roughly, would harden
With thorns thick and sharp
And a tough pericarp
He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
The strange things which float in a bath
Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
Like my pink rubber duck
And the layer of muck
Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
The snow is all turning to slush
And spring is approaching, with rush
Now the pollen count soars
And those pro-Winter bores :P
Will shut up and give us some hush!
While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
Which, swollen and red,
Suppurated and bled
So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
There once was a Limerick forger
Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
The result, he found
Will forever astound
The folk of Atlanta Georgia
When directing traffic, beware
Try connecting me with, a prayer
John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
No traffic in bed!
Cause it's naughty directing it there!
The lies I have told in my time
In pursuit of an end so sublime
That I now laugh and gloat
And endlessly quote
How I bought Microsoft for a dime
There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
Who'd do anything, just for a goose
but his quests for a duck...
met with naught but a cluck
From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
nice one :-)
Today I am going to try
To greet everyone with a lie
It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
For circa ten years and three score
t'was the life of a monk
To such depths had I sunk
-- Reincarnation is really a bore!
My brain is beginning to hurt
As soon as I look up a skirt
While I lie on the floor
'cos from there you see more
I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
And thus make a trap for John Cleese
Go on - do your funniest walk!
The one where you make like a stork
And bring in a baby.
Or make one? (well, maybe....)
or is it no action and all talk!.
Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
They impede my ability to think!
That I’m witty and wise!
And I have slender thighs
And alcohol makes my breath stink.
We're one hour late and we’re free!
We defected from old B.S.T
Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
And our future seems brighter
So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
When something just doesn't make sense
It's best not to get too intense
Say "La la, don't care!"
Or say a li’l prayer?
It's much better to sit on the fence.
Few things leave me sadder than this:
It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
Or unflattering clotheses
I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
A miss is as good as a mile
A wink is as good as a smile
But a mink is as good
As a corduroy hood
And far more elegant in style.
There once was a miss dressed in mink
Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
. She wore sandals of teak
On her face, a false beak
And a carrot where no-one would think!
There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
And the toughest of nuts he would crack
But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
, was a real party pooper
And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
And tricks upon you they will play
Putting salt in your tea
Playing reverse MC
And telling your mother you're gay
Not that I'm planning anything...
Its fun to get back at your mate
And set him up with a blind date
Who is genuinely blind
And hopefully don’t mind
Going halves on whatever you ate
I sense that I came here before
And hope you forgive and ignore
My latest faux pas
When I called your mama
A nag and quite frankly, a bore
There once was a fellow called Eric
A really exceptional cleric
He had just one vice
He was frightened by mice
So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
A ravishing woman in need
Is something to treasure indeed
But no mere hussy
Would ere be so fussy
'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
A secret held by Michael Grade
A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
Try with Baileys, it works
And one of the perks
Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
I have time for the old BBC
And, yet, it has no time for me
Disillusioned by Hutton,
I'll push the 'OFF' button,
and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
The great thing about Channel 4
Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
And our favourite show
Will be screened several times more
When sick, ill or poorly, one should
Get hold of a quarter, one could?
Whatever that means
In hot fever dreams
Be a fraction more to the good
When faced with a barrage of lies
And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
I'll start screaming, in Welsh
And then loudly belch
"Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
The languages spoken in Wales
, As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
Seem quite out of tune
With 'Au Clair de la Lune
Though singing when telling Welch tales
His name was Llywelyn the Last
And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
His demise, it was gory
But it made a great story
With choruses sung by the cast.
His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
He was known as a renegade felon
'though Polish by birth
he lived on Welsh earth
Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
Even tho' her interest was slight
But she found that the perks
Of sleeping with berks
Made playing with balls quite all right.
The sock hops I hold in my shed
Has made all my neighbours see red
There's blood up the walls
and stains on my balls!
Next time I will make them co-ed
He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
"My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
He ran off with a cry
When I bit his thigh
Cause he feared I was after his candy.
In search of a drink alcoholic
To make my pet terrapin frolic
I chancéd upon
Spiked tea from Ceylon
For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
These stories are utterly false
I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
Won't let anyone in in a vest
The dress code's so strict
And guests are handpicked
But once in, you can then get undressed.
The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
But he fell on his sword
Whene'er he was bored
And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
The next they would play being dead
On the third, they'd be silly
By smearing hot chili
all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
There once was a woman who wrote:
"You can't beat good sex with a goat.
"The foreplay's not great,
But the horn is first rate
(Hang on while I go get my coat)
although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
A dancer named Lionel Blair
Had a secret and torrid affair
With Samantha and Sven
And Bills randy Ben
It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
There once was a dwarf named Bertie
Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
His grammar was poor
His mind so impure ;-)
Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
I've found, by experimenting
That good beer is made by fermenting
hops and pork chops,
Old, used heads of mops
but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
(That'll sure make me wee!)
And some waterproof under-apparel
Would my underwear put out a fire?
Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
My incontinence pants
Are alive with red ants
And held up with telephone wire
A Telephone Line...
Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
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