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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]
And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)
In fact, no left half
And a lopsided laugh
I blame it on my right-wing mum.
The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)
I think I'll dress up as a clown!
And then, with this axe,
I'll land a few whacks
On anyone wearing a gown

When working with HTML,
One summons things arcane and fell
Like "nbsp"
And things you can't see ...
would not to your best friend tell
A government study has found
We're really quite hard to astound.
MP's we don't trust
Prescott's nose I will bust
Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned
(referring to the second line rather than the fourth)
Though usually dazed and confused,
Last night I was more than bemused
By the folks on my street
All singing "tweet tweet"
Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange
And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there
Coherent in thought, word and print,
- If you are, you'll be earning a mint
Your wage will be herbs
If you screw up your verbs
and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint
While watching a video of Paris
I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris
But actually it's
A set of her bits
And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris
I've not been around for a while
As you'll see if you look in my file.
In fact, I've been shaking
My booty, and making
A fortune by flashing my smile.
Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
Joe Public just hasn't a clue
'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo
For the canal will be dammed
And an hippopotamus rammed
In an effort to clean up its poo. coat
Some carollers came down our way
"Penny for the song" they all started to say
"For 2p we'll just go"
"And for 3p, we'll show..."
"what happens inside Santa's sleigh."
I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)
. My whites were getting quite gray.
But a sneaky blue sock
ruined the whole f******g lot!
Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...
One day I went fishing for bass.
Instead, I hooked a bold lass
she'd dipped in the buff
And had just had enough poised...
Of the plaice so I floundered a pass
Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!
For a thing that is very erect
It stands out proud
and attracts quite a crowd
It's said to have a healing effect
While in a nativity play
(When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)
Mary let out a scream
When she stood up, a bream
Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.
Poor Joseph was shocked to the core
When he found what the donkey was for
"You just lift the tail
It'll fill up a pail
If you tickle his balls he'll do more
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Oh buttons, how did that happen ?
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)
His wings might get chilly,
But never his willy,
all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.
It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay
It's the New Santa! Now on his way
To deliver your gift
'tho he is pis't
and likely to 'total' his sleigh...
Christmas parties are dangerous things
For married men take off their rings!
There's no way of knowing
What seeds they are sewing.
25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
(when lining up their New Year flings)
disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)
Wrapping up presents is fun
A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see
..a hanky and socks
...some ears just like Spocks,
And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.
Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!
Is what I would have said - but I grunted
'Twas all I could manage
On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)
After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted

The sexton said to the vicar
(Who reacted with naught but a flicker)
"Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]
because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...
To make your silk vestments look slicker.
Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,
While all the good folk were a'bed,
That Santa's wee elves
make friendly spells
for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)
Sesquipedalianism
essentially, verbosity driven
Makes people, in herds
(Whose brains are like bird's)
Feel their corpus callosum is riven.
I saw David Beckham last week
I gave his left butt cheek a tweak
It came off in my hand
which was not what I'd planned
so next week I'm in front of the beak. One wonders what Victoria would say - if she actually realized, that is.
One has to be cruel to be kind ... sigh
So here is a piece of my mind
I'm sick of your moods,
and your Chopin Preludes
Hence I'll play by myself and go blind ... I'm leaving
Cette sauce d'haute qualité
qui contient d'la merde rechauffée
est un petit peu drolle
nous sommes a l'ecole?
Bien sur - comme vous avez gouté!
Vous avez le Knockwurst chez vous?
Aber nein doch, das geb' ich nicht zu
Mais, ce grand saucisson?
*no "?" intended*
dont l'odeur est si bon
Damnit teach me to spend a long time reading before posting...
Das ist Bratwurst nicht Knockwurst, (qui pue !)
What's wrong with plain English I ask?
Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.
Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck
Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck
Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.
- oh, sorry
Last night as I went off to bed
, a polka dot scarf on my head,
I tripped on a stair
Landing on Tony Blair
Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!
The trouble with children today
Is they don't kneel down and pray
When asking permission
to indulge in coition
They say "No, you big perv, go away"

When the Crescenters arrive at rab,
They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.
With colours insipid - second application for poetic license
Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?
But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!
I know all the secrets of love
When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.
But this illness, I fear
Was brought on by beer
so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove
My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...
For I got them trapped in the door
It could have been worse
For I got the nurse
To kiss them and wrap them - and more!
I once knew a man from Northants
who cooked a stew made of old pants
with dumplings like lead
And an old cabbage head
all garnished with microwaved ants.
One day I'll stop starting the rhyme
start stopping - now is the time
When future and past
Turn to present, at last
Was and will be starstopting sublime.
It's been a stop/start kind of day
Iv'e been casting my glances away
, The kind where there's simply no way
oops simulpost. Ignore mine.
Too late, It's been captured online
On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
It's been a stop/start kind of day
I've been casting my glances away
where shall I go?
'Cos I simply don't know
How to finish this in a clever way
The trouble with being so clever
Is you can't keep your thoughts all together
They prance and cavort
Way odd in an of sort
Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)
The trouble with aardvarks is this:
(Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]
Alphabetically
they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?
served under hot melted Swiss.
My belt hardly fits round my waist!
All due to a turkey's great taste
The magic of 'tatoes
Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.
And eaten with indecent haste

In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.
The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!
Though there's no more The Office
The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)
-ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.
There once was a girl called Sally
A 'bush baby' born in the mallee
Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?
Was a deep source of shame
For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.
There once was a playwright called Will
Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..
So with a groan and a sigh
And a tear in the eye
Declared "Not to be!". (Slave to the quill). Stony ground, snorgle. :-(
With due apprehension and dread
I approached the dark land of the dead
with a pencil full of lead
From the gloom and the drear [Widey] Sorry, but given your unorthodox rhyme and non-existent scansion, I thought this limerick deserved better.
There came to my ear
'Ace of Spades' from the band Motörhead.
And now I'll begin a new ditty
And though it be brief, 'tis not pretty
For the tale's one of woe
As these ditties go
'cos I support Birmingham City.
It was in Scotland I seem to remember
That I had begun to dismember
A turtle called Pete
I needed to eat
Since breakfast was served last September
As the Old Year came to an end
And my brain cells all went round the bend
I said "Happy Hogmanay!"
And saw out the day
Passed out, on the floor, with a friend
It's still not New Year in Caracas (as I write)
And the natives are causing a fracas pronunciation wild...
For they love Hogmanay
But would get blown away
If they used fireworks as maracas
Among my new year's resolutions
I shall try to refine my ablutions
I shall shave every day Sorry, Chalky - nowt personal!
For it's so distingué
'mongst those whom "I'mSorryIHaven'tAClue" shuns.
I once had a donkey to lunch
With a sigh he started to munch
"oh, this lettuce is limp"
"oh, this lettuce is limp"
"And I don't like the shrimp"
so from now on we only do brunch!
A Happy New Year to you all
In particular those who're named Paul
and Kathys as well,
And Simon, and Nell
In fact to the entire roll call.
I've been dining on old tangerines
In the company of two ethereal queens
We avoided the mints
but don't those queens mince!
No wonder they quit the Marines....
I've found, with a couple of kippers,
I can manage without pipe and slippers
For, when smoked on the fire, (Are kippers already smoked? Does it matter?)
and wrapped up in barbwire
You can't beat a couple of strippers.
There once was a herring named Barb,
Who looked foolish attired in such garb
As a bright crimson mac
of polymerised cack (Thrax) Jayne Mansfield could've dealt with herrings, but those F****** LOBSTERS!
Imported from deepest Punjab.
A Hippo has been found on Mars
With a beagle that fell from the stars
And its furtive silence
Gave dramatic Licence Rosie, you're not still on lobster duty are you? I'd have thought that after all your long years of faithful service you might get a prmotion to a slightly better job - perhaps involving Julia Roberts' bottom and grey squirrels.
To ad men peddling cars.
As God is my witness, I swear
I never did that, anywhere
Unless you have proof
Of that night on the roof
of my waywardly yoof (Thrax) You know where you are with lobsters. Grey squirrels? BASTARDS!
When I simply had nothing to wear I feel that works whichever of the simulposts you read!
It simply defies rhyme and reason
At the end of the holiday season
To buy Wizard of Oz
[The Songbook] because
To my ears it's insufferable treason. Far better, if you as me, is Dark Side of the Rainbow. You'd love that one, Chalky. IF you ever carry out your threat and make it to Swindon, I'll treat you to it, if you've not witnessed it before. :) Now then, let's try the good Doctor's prescription...
Hey! it worked!! Festivaalllll!!
Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
We'll start right away
For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
And repeat right away Congratulations, Softers. One New Year Limerick F**ked up as intended. Well done. ;)
Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
Let's all drink gallons of beer!
We'll start right away
(and there was me thinking that this was a limericks game...)
[nights] They all turn into something resembling MC in the end, you know...
And we'll brook no delay
[b]Someone tell me which line we're at here.[/b] Aha! I managed to vent my predicament and play a valid move into the bargain.
(but bugger up the HTML, 'cos another site I visit uses '['s and ']'s rather than '<'s and '>'s. Sorry folks.)
For the chance to F**k up a New Year
That's enough of that. 11-line limericks vex me.
If two heads are better than one
Then six hands must be lots of fun
Arm wrestle arachnid
(Spider joke, hackneyed)
If compelled, just repeat until done. A bit like that last limerick. Seems we had a touch of the old Dollis Hillitis going on for a bit, eh?
A Republican from Norwich once wrote
'Limerick writers - take note ...
...On pain of your lives,
When rhyming with knives
Beware that they're not at your throat
I have no excuse this time, sir
I have not a clue, what is myrh?
Why, it's Gilead's balm
Applied underarm
Whence a sprouting of wings will occur.
A cockerel's a creature with wings
A young trained cock without any strings
. It can be a great pet,
If its mind isn't set
On hens and such sexual things
I once saw a porcupine fly
(A rare insect, from wetland Dubai)
It's covered in pricks
, performs magic tricks
in top hat, in tails and white tie!

Watch out for turnips in June
Oh poop. Round two:
Watch out for turnips in June
by the light of a silvery moon
They explode at a touch
maiming your crotch
And mature at the root far too soon
My apple is home to a worm
My bottom is home to a germ carefully lowering the tone.
And both, it is said
Will answer to "Fred"
It's enough to make anyone squirm
Whilst cutting a slice of Red Leicester Spelling puns?
(In my job as a milk product teicester)
I cut through a vein
While concealing disdain
and died in the old Zoo in Chester
Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
??? "Oh What a lark!"
to frolick in the buff
Kim - I think your excellent first line may have been too subtle for some ... sorry chaps ...
Kim - Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
Chalky - Then I'll follow in kind. Cutty Sark !
Ladies, perhaps you could explain the rules of how Lim MC works. Ordinary limericks work along the premise that lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, whilst 3 and 4 do also. Furthermore 1, 2 and 5 have typically nine syllables, whilst 3 and 4 have five. given that you've set a precedent that lines or names or moves(whatever term one should use) 1 and 2(and presumably 5) have four syllables, how many should 3 and 4 have? Or is that not important?
Oops! I meant to say "1 and 2(and presumably 5) have three syllables", but you get the gist.
If you read out the whole line 1 & 2 including the italicised part .. you will see that Kim and I have a perfect 9 syllables each :-) [oh ... and Kim is a chap]
*chortles* don't worry kim, I was accused of being a lady last week on the MCiOS chat room. just talk about football, that'll give them the idea, offside ref fullback pies burberry army.
Goodness me, Chalky. I'd never have spotted that. That's fantastic. My apologies however to you, Kim for presuming.

Ahem, anyway, I'll give this a go. Here's my move:

Then Bank I shall try.
To Debden I'll fly
Pah! That's a ploy pioneered on the Ark!!
To play Kightsbridge gets me a podume.

[I'm keeping up with the Lim MC theme. I figure that we ought to keep going 'til someone finds their way to MC. Also, to make the game even more fiendishly clever, all MC-based 'extras' like declaring home stations, aquiring snoods and podumes, bifurcations, issues of spoon etc. should be incorporated into the rhyme. Pretty groovy huh? Should make the game not only more interesting but more of a challenge. I can't wait t see how folk play it in Limericks if someone(God forbid) starts up a Dollis Hill loop.]
[now I realise why you folks, like Chalky and Dujon and Rosie and the Doc were pleased to see me return. It's 'cos I've always brought some strange permutation into the game at hand, thereby redrafting or abusing the game mechanics, in the past(at Pants) haven't I? Like Charades interrupting a game of BallyKissangels or turning Good News/Bad News into a horror story. My apologies to those of you who don't like it. I'm a rogue some might say.]
[I tell you what would be cool to do as a game - Limerick Charades. Whereas Online Text Charades differs from Sound charades in that it takes the form of a transcript of a conversation between two people(usually Dougal and Hamish), Limerick Charades would be a transcript in the form of a Limerick, from which we all guess the book, film song or play. Person 1 would have lines 1, 3 and 5, while person 2 would get 2 and 4. Now that would be a challenge, don't you think?]
But only if Bank's got enough room
For when at Russell Square
et si Monumentum requiris . . .
I'm confused (2 brain cells both, working over time).I liked the old Limerick game progress only confuses me......sigh.....
Fawning Till Pleasant
(Widey)I'm with you on that. This reminds of the entry in the Hungarian Phrase Book for Travellers "Lo! the train has left the rails". Time to get the cranes out.
Nah, just needs a bit of routine track maintenance...
To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume [doesn't scan all that well, Thax :P]
If Bank's only got enough room
For when at Russell Square
Oval freem ain't all there
Credit where it's due and all, I think it was Kim's idea. Seems if it wants to carry on organically it will do just that; but I'm with Rosie and widey - plain old limericks'll do me a treat, fanks.
(and if you're looking for a definition of a limerick, you could do worse than start here)
[rosie] phrase books are great - I had one that got lost in the move that had a whole section on what to yell out during sex... in French.
[Tidying up]
To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume
If Bank's only got enough room
For when at Russell Square
Oval freem ain't all there
So Wapping's the one, I presume?
In Egypt they do things with geese
which involve using feathers and grease
But in France and Japan
They just flush the pan Of course in Italy it's called the Po.
And then smear each other with cheese
On a radio station in Cheshire
They interviewed old M C Escher
whose illusory art
Was oft known to start
With a hunt for some long-buried treasure
I said not to mention the war
But you did, you incredible bore
Forget the Armada
Let's dance the Lambada
Until we both collapse to the floor!
There was a young lady from Venus
who discovered a thing which was heinous hoping this doesn't go in the obvious direction.....
It was firm and quite stiff
and on top was a quiff!
(Use a clean handkerchief)
Bugger! Missed the warning. Follow widey.
did we miss the last line there ? Are we being squeamish ?

Since you ask, that's a gun in my pocket

I shall pull it out, aim it and cock it
With unerring aim
But no malice or shame
But it could go off early if knockéd Coat!
I once wrote a poem, it's true,
But ask me to show 'em, I'll sue going with po-em...
The verse was quite blank
But exceedingly frank
And the sentiment expressed was blue
What is the meaning of this?

There was a young lady from Venus
Who discovered a thing which was heinous
It was firm and quite stiff
And on top was a quiff

She exclaimed "Something has come between us!"

Breadmaster - What is the meaning of this?
Chalky - You promised perpetual bliss
But your penis is tiny
And your voice is so whiny
And you're constantly out on the piss!
I once heard a fellow named Guy
Had set sail on the great Bering Sea
He found that the boat
Smelled throughout of dead goat
And the gunnels were filled with horse pee
What a charming impression it makes
When you stuff up your mouth full of cakes
If you fall to the ground
And attempt to expound
on aught but the Progress of Rakes.
On reading this website I find
It quite tedious and unkind (but not really!!)
And when you arrive
The place is alive it is, it is!
With the sound of the Crescenter's mind. ... except the BanterGame today :-(
It's a year since this site went on-line
And we've all had a jolly fine time
So please raise your glass
Put a cork in your arse Sorry to lower the tone, but this is getting a bit smug.
To say cheers, rab & Nik - it's just fine. [Rosie] Why apologise? FWIWIMHO - not smug, just right.
A pat on the back is OK
So long as we don't lose our way
Let's try not to boast
Just nod to our host
Without getting too over-gay.
I am happy and clappy and gay!
I am the new vicar, let us pray
For it's said, love thy neighbour
On the sabbath, don't labour No problem. Just getting up is bad enough.
And don't covet your friends' nuts in May.
To begin a new week it is wise
To slap a young wench on the thighs
But not on her bum
Or the back of her tongue
Lest you suffer an early demise!
Reportedly, I have been shot
That's the press for you, is it not? Unless it's true, of course.
The news story stated
That I'd bifurcated
That Raak's implicated
after Kim: in a complex and intricate plot
after Twiki: I'd ne'er bifurcated 'till now
But in the future I will, that I vow
Till I chanced upon this magic cow bifurcating, natch
I'll split an' I'll splice / Her twink-er-ling udders [bifurcating with a vengeance]
I'll chop and I'll dice / Quite gave me the shudders
Re-uniting? No way.../But her double cream's good...
I'll allow

I sat on the barstool, confused
Which way round the Med had I cruised?
my head swum with gin
And a hellish loud din
Why, oh why, had I never refused?
In order to lose seven stone
I gave our pet dog my thigh bone
And my head to the cat
who was sprawled on the mat
Now I'm lighter but can't use the phone
I broke my New Year's reolution

I broke my New Year's resolution
And failed to give up prostitution
It's a lucrative game
For a pantomime dame
And does wonders for the constitution - accent on the "the". Sorry but I don't know how to draw the line (in html).
B'smith - nice one ... a simple < hr > without the spaces does the trick :-)
When I go to Luton I take
A bottle of ready-soused hake
A sandwich of spam
A freshly killed lamb
And a herb-stuffed and roasted corncrake.
I've just found a bat in my tea!
But do I play cricket? Not me!
Though I have this box
It's storage for socks
That's quite handy I'm sure you'll agree and now a drum-roll please...............
Wey hey!! Thanks once again Chalkers.
I've just found an owl in my pint!
Can the pussy-cat be far behind?
(tricky) or is it a scene in my mind
Though the grog's made me blind (not such good form.)
And my verse is quite blank you will find-t. There is no word in the English language that rhymes with pint, otherwise I am sure that the great Sir John Betjeman would surely have written about beer in Slough.
I think's there's a man in my garden!
(In the suburbs of Henly in Arden)
Perhaps he's a gnome
I wish he'd go home
'Cause his stance is beginning to harden.
teehee
The Grimblepritz lives in a cave
He does not know how to behave
He once caused a fight
Then used dynamite
Instead of a razor to shave.
The Flubadub rubs on a tub
Which comes from the hub of a sub
But a bop with a mop
And a fop who's a sop
Scrub mud with the grub from the club
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Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord