mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game

to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade

But to help make some sense

(and not cause offence)

Of all the preceding tyrade

Thin Grey Line

Lodge

My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught

With the pedantry that I was taught

By a teacher at school

(the silly old fool)

His lessons weren't not what they ought.

Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme

So many to try, but no time!

So here I will just unfinished...

Lodge

Make do with a lust

For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.

As Yoda declared once to me,

'Confused by this all will you be'

Well, he was right

for I sat up all night

I can't choose! With the plotline for Episode Three / How the hell did he beat Christ'pher Lee? / With a Grammar book, pencils and tea

Align? What Line?

Whilst inhaling a pinch of good snuff

Dazed5

I was tempted to say, to Frank Bough

"Try this for size" [Dazed] Ah - so that's how they pronounce Buff in Brum :-) ]

"It'll bug out your eyes"

But I sensed that he'd had quite enough.

While cruising to tropical climes

To escape prosecution for crimes

I happened to meet

A cop on the beat

Who said "Sunshine, you're nicked, you'll do time!"

My cell is just six feet by ten

And I share it with 26 men

My left knee is wedged

between something alleged unf...

(sorry! for grammar:) behind something alleged

Nom de Plume

to be bigger than that owned by Sven.

If sleep were a treat, not a right,

I think I'd still do it all night

I'd stay in my pit

Until I saw fit

To get up [or just needed a shite] thangyew thangyew

I wish I did not oversleep

But when my alarm clock goes "beep"

The temptation's too great

Fat German

And I must masturbate

Because I've been counting those sheep.

Of all of the people I've met,

None compares to that nice Yorkshire vet

for creatures, he's best great and small, that is

But dont shake his hand, lest FG] I almost ruptured my throat laughing at that !

Yours ends up all slimy and wet... eeeeewwww.....

One Saturday in Piccadilly

I met a transvestite called Lily bit of a drag, though

She took me in hand

(Plus a minor brass band)

And then we... no, that would be silly

Align

One night, while traversing Kings Cross,

Like a Rolling Stone gathering moss [invoking st dogmael]

A complete unknown

playing trombone

Said, 'Quite frankly I don't give a toss'

musical stave

Fat German

I think I've drunk too much 'Red Bull'

So my bladder is buzzing and full [FG] I've got the most *awful* image in my mind of someone OD-ing on RB...

My 'water' is pink

And it's starting to stink

I don't think I'm going to pull.

I'm morose, really down in the dumps

'Cos my willy has come out in lumps maintaining the base level

He is such a good dog Straining to get out of the mire....

He sits on the bog

But when he gets to the sink, he just humps

Sinatra was once heard to say

I'm proud that I did things my way

Though I cheated and cussed

Was my hair ever mussed? Have I missed an obvious song-led rhyme here?

and the Mafia augmented my pay

Bruce Forsythe enjoyed a good game [penelope] Not that I made intentionally, no :)

'Though his wig received all the acclaim

It did a small jig

Then grew very big

Now it's taken the star role in 'Mame'

My friend is called Pudsey the Bear (topical)

We go round to children in care

And give them a thrashing Children in Need? Why can't they stay in bloody need? That's not me talking btw - it's a quote from the Fast Show...

With feathers, not bashing ... Which sounds a little like the sentences imposed on murderers, rapists etc. meted out by my local judiciary system.... (tucks occasional right wing tendencies over tender left wing and flies off.)

It's a smash when it goes out on air! Or the S4C primetime highlight: "Children In Neath"

I'm a big fan of Children in Neath

And of Ladyboys in Cowdenbeath

The Teenagers in Frome

Have been swept to their doom

And Looe Pensioners all have false teeth.

Suspected of fiddling with boys,

And playing with cudd-er-ly toys,

Here soundeth the klaxon

For that idiot Jackson (forced)

Whose 'hanging' created some 'noise'.

[Angus Prune] Forced? Forced???!!! Au contraire, it was a gift! Carefully planned and skilfully made!! If you don't like it, then don't take it! ;o)

Caref'ly planned and skillf'ly made

And usually cheerf'ly displayed

Was the head of a moose

Which hung from a noose

Keeping fresh thanks to plenty of shade.

While practising a quite tricky stunt

With my neighbor, good old Allen Funt

I fell in a trap

Constructed of scrap

Which proved that I'm simply a runt.

This first line's a bit lame, it's true,

And for the third, better must do.

But to make matters worse

This entire piss-poor verse

Has ended up blocking the loo.

Lets try Jackson now in the press !

It's clear that his face is a mess a couple of tracks short of an album, if you ask me.

And as for the songs

Well - they right no wrongs

String him up ! Lynch him ! Kill him ! YES YES!!!

Let's all get together and sing

CdM

A hymn to The Great Blob of Tring

samn - simulposted! Of the relative merits of 'bling'

Bifurcating: Whose one saving grace/The rocks and the gold

Is the look on His face / Are a sight to behold

And the merriment that it will bring. hoping I have covered both possibilities neatly in one line. :-)

The chance that was too good to miss

Ended up being seized by the Swiss

The Americas Cup

And the chance to throw up!

Hang on. Are you taking the p*ss?

:

/ Jeez - that sure made limer-sense. Ah well - onwards and upwards ...
Chalky - Whilst cooking in loco parentis

(Mom*ma had gone off to the dentist)

I put on the gas

And shook my yas-yas (obscure 1930s southern US slang declared)

And proved I was non compas mentis.

Align

[Tina] Good call.!

I sit in my nice padded cell

And giggle, as I ring my bell

But the imps and the pixies

Try to tell me that six is

Seven, and eight is aswell

I know how to carbonate tea

And how to select the best Brie

But what's got me stumped

is how come I got dumped

And why she picked a she over me

While eating a plateful of turkey.

Along with some bits of old jerky

Beth

I started to wonder

About having a chunder

and that's why the fish tank's all murky.

Bob the dog

For Christmas I want in my stocking

A hoist, to facilitate docking

Though the fit may be tight,

It will be all right

bah! simulpost My prospects just might [forcing bifurcatory dénouement]

[Thos] I'll slide it in with careful rocking. [Chalky] Avoid the scene getting too shocking.

Bifurcation can be very tricky

And if you're not careful, quite sticky.

But if one can reverse

In a Mercedes hearse

One can refurcate in Billericay.

Lib

Dear Santa, I'd like a new hearse Stealing pen's hearse theme as I like it! (hope you don't mind!)

'Cause my death wish is getting much worse

Bob the dog

If you can't manage that

I'll just bury the cat

And then, when it's dead, write a verse.

I read in the papers today

Fat German

Mutant Llamas are heading our way!

Beth

So let's board up our houses

And gird up our trousis oblig.

Fall to our knees and just pray

The only way to success

In this game we call "Mornington Cresc.",

Is so closely guarded

Because it's bombarded

By the bloodsucking hounds of the Press.

Out bowling with old Tony Blair,

I stamped on his foot for a dare

He said "Listen, mush"

Nobody but Bush (a gift)

Ever gets to touch me just there! Oh, the satire of it all.

I ache for the touch of your lips (dear)

But much more for some good fish and chips (sorry)

smothered in salt

and vinegar malt

rubbed in wounds that are left by your whips. accepting Kim's invitation

I stimulate this piece of dough

I'm podgy, lethargic and slow this is only verse, you understand...

And so when I stroke More "t" in simulate, Vicar?

The fat, stodgy bloke Try and keep this clean please?

I'm confident nothing will grow I did my best...

When eating a bucket of rice

Try saying "janitor" - twice

I'll lay odds your tongue

will foul the dipthong dodgy, dodgy...

and it won't look (or sound) very nice.

I don't think too much of this groove

And I fear that my mood won't improve

so perhaps I should leave

Dazed5

I've no wish to deceive

This guide showing *me round the Louvre

Now the Christmassy season is here

I'm up to my eyes in false cheer Bah, humbug

Is it only me

Pogle

Who gets Yule Anomie Look that one up - Nasty !

Den Watts, Anne Robinson and Germaine Greer?

[Pogle]Not in the dictionary!

My English has gone all to pot

Bad language is all that I've got

I swear and I curse

I blaspheme and much worse

I've started to talk like a Scot

Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]

And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)

In fact, no left half

And a lopsided laugh

I blame it on my right-wing mum.

The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)

I think I'll dress up as a clown!

And then, with this axe,

I'll land a few whacks

On anyone wearing a gown

When working with HTML,

One summons things arcane and fell

Like "nbsp"

And things you can't see ...

would not to your best friend tell

A government study has found

We're really quite hard to astound.

MP's we don't trust

C U Jimmi

Prescott's nose I will bust

Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned

(referring to the second line rather than the fourth)

Though usually dazed and confused,

Last night I was more than bemused

By the folks on my street

All singing "tweet tweet"

C U Jimmi

Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange

And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there

Coherent in thought, word and print,

- If you are, you'll be earning a mint

Your wage will be herbs

If you screw up your verbs

and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint

While watching a video of Paris

I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris

But actually it's

A set of her bits

And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris

Underlining

I've not been around for a while

As you'll see if you look in my file.

In fact, I've been shaking

My booty, and making

A fortune by flashing my smile.

Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
Joe Public just hasn't a clue

'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo

For the canal will be dammed

And an hippopotamus rammed

In an effort to clean up its poo. coat

Some carollers came down our way

"Penny for the song" they all started to say

"For 2p we'll just go"

"And for 3p, we'll show..."

"what happens inside Santa's sleigh."

Align

I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)

. My whites were getting quite gray.

But a sneaky blue sock

ruined the whole f******g lot!

Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...

One day I went fishing for bass.

Instead, I hooked a bold lass

she'd dipped in the buff

And had just had enough poised...

Of the plaice so I floundered a pass

Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!

For a thing that is very erect

It stands out proud

and attracts quite a crowd

It's said to have a healing effect

linomatic

While in a nativity play

(When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)

Mary let out a scream

When she stood up, a bream

Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.

Poor Joseph was shocked to the core

When he found what the donkey was for

"You just lift the tail

It'll fill up a pail

Pogle

If you tickle his balls he'll do more

Humpty

An angel, by the name of Trevor

Humpty

Oh buttons, how did that happen ?

Line out

Humpty

An angel, by the name of Trevor

Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)

His wings might get chilly,

But never his willy,

all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.

It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay

It's the New Santa! Now on his way

To deliver your gift

'tho he is pis't

and likely to 'total' his sleigh...

Lib

Christmas parties are dangerous things

For married men take off their rings!

There's no way of knowing

What seeds they are sewing.

25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
(when lining up their New Year flings)
disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)

Wrapping up presents is fun

A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see

..a hanky and socks

...some ears just like Spocks,

And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.

CdM

Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!

Is what I would have said - but I grunted

'Twas all I could manage

On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)

After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted

The sexton said to the vicar

(Who reacted with naught but a flicker)

"Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]

because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...

To make your silk vestments look slicker.

Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,

While all the good folk were a'bed,

That Santa's wee elves

Fridge

make friendly spells

for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)

spliggo

Sesquipedalianism

essentially, verbosity driven

Makes people, in herds

integer

(Whose brains are like bird's)

Feel their corpus callosum is riven.

I saw David Beckham last week

I gave his left butt cheek a tweak

It came off in my hand

spliggo

which was not what I'd planned

so next week I'm in front of the beak. One wonders what Victoria would say - if she actually realized, that is.

One has to be cruel to be kind ... sigh

So here is a piece of my mind

I'm sick of your moods,

and your Chopin Preludes

Hence I'll play by myself and go blind ... I'm leaving

Cette sauce d'haute qualité

qui contient d'la merde rechauffée

est un petit peu drolle

nous sommes a l'ecole?

Bien sur - comme vous avez gouté!

Vous avez le Knockwurst chez vous?

Aber nein doch, das geb' ich nicht zu

Mais, ce grand saucisson?

*no "?" intended*

dont l'odeur est si bon

Your Mother

Damnit teach me to spend a long time reading before posting...

Das ist Bratwurst nicht Knockwurst, (qui pue !)

What's wrong with plain English I ask?

Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.

Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck

Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck

Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.

- oh, sorry

Last night as I went off to bed

, a polka dot scarf on my head,

I tripped on a stair

Landing on Tony Blair

Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!

The trouble with children today

Is they don't kneel down and pray

When asking permission

to indulge in coition

They say "No, you big perv, go away"

When the Crescenters arrive at rab,

They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.

With colours insipid - second application for poetic license

Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?

But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!

I know all the secrets of love

When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.

But this illness, I fear

Was brought on by beer

so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove

Good News

My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...

For I got them trapped in the door

It could have been worse

For I got the nurse

To kiss them and wrap them - and more!

I once knew a man from Northants

who cooked a stew made of old pants

with dumplings like lead

And an old cabbage head

all garnished with microwaved ants.

One day I'll stop starting the rhyme

start stopping - now is the time

When future and past

Turn to present, at last

Was and will be starstopting sublime.

endliner

It's been a stop/start kind of day

ZARBENIA

Iv'e been casting my glances away

, The kind where there's simply no way

oops simulpost. Ignore mine.

ZARBENIA

Too late, It's been captured online

Unbiased umpire

On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
It's been a stop/start kind of day
I've been casting my glances away

where shall I go?

'Cos I simply don't know

How to finish this in a clever way

The trouble with being so clever

Is you can't keep your thoughts all together

They prance and cavort

Way odd in an of sort

Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)

The trouble with aardvarks is this:

(Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]

Alphabetically

they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?

served under hot melted Swiss.

My belt hardly fits round my waist!

All due to a turkey's great taste

The magic of 'tatoes

Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.

And eaten with indecent haste

In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.

The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!

Though there's no more The Office

The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)

-ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.

There once was a girl called Sally

A 'bush baby' born in the mallee

Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?

Was a deep source of shame

For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.

Valentin

There once was a playwright called Will

Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..

Widey

So with a groan and a sigh

And a tear in the eye

Declared "Not to be!". (Slave to the quill). Stony ground, snorgle. :-(

With due apprehension and dread

I approached the dark land of the dead

Widey

with a pencil full of lead

CdM

From the gloom and the drear [Widey] Sorry, but given your unorthodox rhyme and non-existent scansion, I thought this limerick deserved better.

There came to my ear

'Ace of Spades' from the band Motörhead.

And now I'll begin a new ditty

And though it be brief, 'tis not pretty

For the tale's one of woe

As these ditties go

'cos I support Birmingham City.

It was in Scotland I seem to remember

That I had begun to dismember

A turtle called Pete

I needed to eat

Since breakfast was served last September

As the Old Year came to an end

And my brain cells all went round the bend

I said "Happy Hogmanay!"

Valentin

And saw out the day

Passed out, on the floor, with a friend

It's still not New Year in Caracas (as I write)

And the natives are causing a fracas pronunciation wild...

For they love Hogmanay

But would get blown away

If they used fireworks as maracas

Among my new year's resolutions

I shall try to refine my ablutions

I shall shave every day Sorry, Chalky - nowt personal!

For it's so distingué

'mongst those whom "I'mSorryIHaven'tAClue" shuns.

I once had a donkey to lunch

With a sigh he started to munch

"oh, this lettuce is limp"

"oh, this lettuce is limp"

"And I don't like the shrimp"

so from now on we only do brunch!

Liney

A Happy New Year to you all

In particular those who're named Paul

Dazed5

and Kathys as well,

And Simon, and Nell

In fact to the entire roll call.

I've been dining on old tangerines

In the company of two ethereal queens

We avoided the mints

but don't those queens mince!

No wonder they quit the Marines....

I've found, with a couple of kippers,

I can manage without pipe and slippers

For, when smoked on the fire, (Are kippers already smoked? Does it matter?)

and wrapped up in barbwire

Thrax

You can't beat a couple of strippers.

LIneage

There once was a herring named Barb,

Thrax

Who looked foolish attired in such garb

As a bright crimson mac

of polymerised cack (Thrax) Jayne Mansfield could've dealt with herrings, but those F****** LOBSTERS!

Imported from deepest Punjab.

A Hippo has been found on Mars

With a beagle that fell from the stars

And its furtive silence

Thrax

Gave dramatic Licence Rosie, you're not still on lobster duty are you? I'd have thought that after all your long years of faithful service you might get a prmotion to a slightly better job - perhaps involving Julia Roberts' bottom and grey squirrels.

To ad men peddling cars.