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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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What's wrong with plain English I ask?
Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.
Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck
Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck
Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.
- oh, sorry
Last night as I went off to bed
, a polka dot scarf on my head,
I tripped on a stair
Landing on Tony Blair
Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!
The trouble with children today
Is they don't kneel down and pray
When asking permission
to indulge in coition
They say "No, you big perv, go away"
When the Crescenters arrive at rab,
They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.
With colours insipid - second application for poetic license
Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?
But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!
I know all the secrets of love
When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.
But this illness, I fear
Was brought on by beer
so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove
My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...
For I got them trapped in the door
It could have been worse
For I got the nurse
To kiss them and wrap them - and more!
I once knew a man from Northants
who cooked a stew made of old pants
with dumplings like lead
And an old cabbage head
all garnished with microwaved ants.
One day I'll stop starting the rhyme
start stopping - now is the time
When future and past
Turn to present, at last
Was and will be starstopting sublime.
It's been a stop/start kind of day
Iv'e been casting my glances away
, The kind where there's simply no way
oops simulpost. Ignore mine.
Too late, It's been captured online
On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
It's been a stop/start kind of day
I've been casting my glances away
where shall I go?
'Cos I simply don't know
How to finish this in a clever way
The trouble with being so clever
Is you can't keep your thoughts all together
They prance and cavort
Way odd in an of sort
Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)
The trouble with aardvarks is this:
(Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]
Alphabetically
they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?
served under hot melted Swiss.
My belt hardly fits round my waist!
All due to a turkey's great taste
The magic of 'tatoes
Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.
And eaten with indecent haste
In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.
The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!
Though there's no more The Office
The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)
-ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.
There once was a girl called Sally
A 'bush baby' born in the mallee
Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?
Was a deep source of shame
For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.
There once was a playwright called Will
Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..
So with a groan and a sigh
And a tear in the eye
Declared "Not to be!". (Slave to the quill). Stony ground, snorgle. :-(
With due apprehension and dread
I approached the dark land of the dead
with a pencil full of lead
From the gloom and the drear [Widey] Sorry, but given your unorthodox rhyme and non-existent scansion, I thought this limerick deserved better.
There came to my ear
'Ace of Spades' from the band Motörhead.
And now I'll begin a new ditty
And though it be brief, 'tis not pretty
For the tale's one of woe
As these ditties go
'cos I support Birmingham City.
It was in Scotland I seem to remember
That I had begun to dismember
A turtle called Pete
I needed to eat
Since breakfast was served last September
As the Old Year came to an end
And my brain cells all went round the bend
I said "Happy Hogmanay!"
And saw out the day
Passed out, on the floor, with a friend
It's still not New Year in Caracas (as I write)
And the natives are causing a fracas pronunciation wild...
For they love Hogmanay
But would get blown away
If they used fireworks as maracas
Among my new year's resolutions
I shall try to refine my ablutions
I shall shave every day Sorry, Chalky - nowt personal!
For it's so distingué
'mongst those whom "I'mSorryIHaven'tAClue" shuns.
I once had a donkey to lunch
With a sigh he started to munch
"oh, this lettuce is limp"
"oh, this lettuce is limp"
"And I don't like the shrimp"
so from now on we only do brunch!
A Happy New Year to you all
In particular those who're named Paul
and Kathys as well,
And Simon, and Nell
In fact to the entire roll call.
I've been dining on old tangerines
In the company of two ethereal queens
We avoided the mints
but don't those queens mince!
No wonder they quit the Marines....
I've found, with a couple of kippers,
I can manage without pipe and slippers
For, when smoked on the fire, (Are kippers already smoked? Does it matter?)
and wrapped up in barbwire
You can't beat a couple of strippers.
There once was a herring named Barb,
Who looked foolish attired in such garb
As a bright crimson mac
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