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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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'Though his wig received all the acclaim
It did a small jig
Then grew very big
Now it's taken the star role in 'Mame'
My friend is called Pudsey the Bear (topical)
We go round to children in care
And give them a thrashing Children in Need? Why can't they stay in bloody need? That's not me talking btw - it's a quote from the Fast Show...
With feathers, not bashing ... Which sounds a little like the sentences imposed on murderers, rapists etc. meted out by my local judiciary system.... (tucks occasional right wing tendencies over tender left wing and flies off.)
It's a smash when it goes out on air! Or the S4C primetime highlight: "Children In Neath"
I'm a big fan of Children in Neath
And of Ladyboys in Cowdenbeath
The Teenagers in Frome
Have been swept to their doom
And Looe Pensioners all have false teeth.
Suspected of fiddling with boys,
And playing with cudd-er-ly toys,
Here soundeth the klaxon
For that idiot Jackson (forced)
Whose 'hanging' created some 'noise'.
[Angus Prune] Forced? Forced???!!! Au contraire, it was a gift! Carefully planned and skilfully made!! If you don't like it, then don't take it! ;o)
Caref'ly planned and skillf'ly made
And usually cheerf'ly displayed
Was the head of a moose
Which hung from a noose
Keeping fresh thanks to plenty of shade.
While practising a quite tricky stunt
With my neighbor, good old Allen Funt
I fell in a trap
Constructed of scrap
Which proved that I'm simply a runt.
This first line's a bit lame, it's true,
And for the third, better must do.
But to make matters worse
This entire piss-poor verse
Has ended up blocking the loo.
Lets try Jackson now in the press !
It's clear that his face is a mess a couple of tracks short of an album, if you ask me.
And as for the songs
Well - they right no wrongs
String him up ! Lynch him ! Kill him ! YES YES!!!
Let's all get together and sing
A hymn to The Great Blob of Tring
samn - simulposted! Of the relative merits of 'bling'
Bifurcating: Whose one saving grace/The rocks and the gold
Is the look on His face / Are a sight to behold
And the merriment that it will bring. hoping I have covered both possibilities neatly in one line. :-)
The chance that was too good to miss
Ended up being seized by the Swiss
The Americas Cup
And the chance to throw up!
Hang on. Are you taking the p*ss?
/ Jeez - that sure made limer-sense. Ah well - onwards and upwards ...
Chalky - Whilst cooking in loco parentis
(Mom*ma had gone off to the dentist)
I put on the gas
And shook my yas-yas (obscure 1930s southern US slang declared)
And proved I was non compas mentis.
[Tina] Good call.!
I sit in my nice padded cell
And giggle, as I ring my bell
But the imps and the pixies
Try to tell me that six is
Seven, and eight is aswell
I know how to carbonate tea
And how to select the best Brie
But what's got me stumped
is how come I got dumped
And why she picked a she over me
While eating a plateful of turkey.
Along with some bits of old jerky
I started to wonder
About having a chunder
and that's why the fish tank's all murky.
For Christmas I want in my stocking
A hoist, to facilitate docking
Though the fit may be tight,
It will be all right
bah! simulpost My prospects just might [forcing bifurcatory dénouement]
[Thos] I'll slide it in with careful rocking. [Chalky] Avoid the scene getting too shocking.
Bifurcation can be very tricky
And if you're not careful, quite sticky.
But if one can reverse
In a Mercedes hearse
One can refurcate in Billericay.
Dear Santa, I'd like a new hearse Stealing pen's hearse theme as I like it! (hope you don't mind!)
'Cause my death wish is getting much worse
If you can't manage that
I'll just bury the cat
And then, when it's dead, write a verse.
I read in the papers today
Mutant Llamas are heading our way!
So let's board up our houses
And gird up our trousis oblig.
Fall to our knees and just pray
The only way to success
In this game we call "Mornington Cresc.",
Is so closely guarded
Because it's bombarded
By the bloodsucking hounds of the Press.
Out bowling with old Tony Blair,
I stamped on his foot for a dare
He said "Listen, mush"
Nobody but Bush (a gift)
Ever gets to touch me just there! Oh, the satire of it all.
I ache for the touch of your lips (dear)
But much more for some good fish and chips (sorry)
smothered in salt
and vinegar malt
rubbed in wounds that are left by your whips. accepting Kim's invitation
I stimulate this piece of dough
I'm podgy, lethargic and slow this is only verse, you understand...
And so when I stroke More "t" in simulate, Vicar?
The fat, stodgy bloke Try and keep this clean please?
I'm confident nothing will grow I did my best...
When eating a bucket of rice
Try saying "janitor" - twice
I'll lay odds your tongue
will foul the dipthong dodgy, dodgy...
and it won't look (or sound) very nice.
I don't think too much of this groove
And I fear that my mood won't improve
so perhaps I should leave
I've no wish to deceive
This guide showing *me round the Louvre
Now the Christmassy season is here
I'm up to my eyes in false cheer Bah, humbug
Is it only me
Who gets Yule Anomie Look that one up - Nasty !
Den Watts, Anne Robinson and Germaine Greer?
[Pogle]Not in the dictionary!
My English has gone all to pot
Bad language is all that I've got
I swear and I curse
I blaspheme and much worse
I've started to talk like a Scot
Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]
And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)
In fact, no left half
And a lopsided laugh
I blame it on my right-wing mum.
The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)
I think I'll dress up as a clown!
And then, with this axe,
I'll land a few whacks
On anyone wearing a gown
When working with HTML,
One summons things arcane and fell
Like "nbsp"
And things you can't see ...
would not to your best friend tell
A government study has found
We're really quite hard to astound.
MP's we don't trust
Prescott's nose I will bust
Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned
(referring to the second line rather than the fourth)
Though usually dazed and confused,
Last night I was more than bemused
By the folks on my street
All singing "tweet tweet"
Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange
And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there
Coherent in thought, word and print,
- If you are, you'll be earning a mint
Your wage will be herbs
If you screw up your verbs
and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint
While watching a video of Paris
I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris
But actually it's
A set of her bits
And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris
I've not been around for a while
As you'll see if you look in my file.
In fact, I've been shaking
My booty, and making
A fortune by flashing my smile.
Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
Joe Public just hasn't a clue
'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo
For the canal will be dammed
And an hippopotamus rammed
In an effort to clean up its poo. coat
Some carollers came down our way
"Penny for the song" they all started to say
"For 2p we'll just go"
"And for 3p, we'll show..."
"what happens inside Santa's sleigh."
I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)
. My whites were getting quite gray.
But a sneaky blue sock
ruined the whole f******g lot!
Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...
One day I went fishing for bass.
Instead, I hooked a bold lass
she'd dipped in the buff
And had just had enough poised...
Of the plaice so I floundered a pass
Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!
For a thing that is very erect
It stands out proud
and attracts quite a crowd
It's said to have a healing effect
While in a nativity play
(When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)
Mary let out a scream
When she stood up, a bream
Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.
Poor Joseph was shocked to the core
When he found what the donkey was for
"You just lift the tail
It'll fill up a pail
If you tickle his balls he'll do more
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Oh buttons, how did that happen ?
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)
His wings might get chilly,
But never his willy,
all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.
It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay
It's the New Santa! Now on his way
To deliver your gift
'tho he is pis't
and likely to 'total' his sleigh...
Christmas parties are dangerous things
For married men take off their rings!
There's no way of knowing
What seeds they are sewing.
25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
(when lining up their New Year flings)
disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)
Wrapping up presents is fun
A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see
..a hanky and socks
...some ears just like Spocks,
And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.
Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!
Is what I would have said - but I grunted
'Twas all I could manage
On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)
After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted
The sexton said to the vicar
(Who reacted with naught but a flicker)
"Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]
because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...
To make your silk vestments look slicker.
Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,
While all the good folk were a'bed,
That Santa's wee elves
make friendly spells
for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)
Sesquipedalianism
essentially, verbosity driven
Makes people, in herds
(Whose brains are like bird's)
Feel their corpus callosum is riven.
I saw David Beckham last week
I gave his left butt cheek a tweak
It came off in my hand
which was not what I'd planned
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