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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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at the place where explosives are made.
There once was a house on a hill
Just Checked, it's up there still
Oh dear. It's turned Tartan
And I'd so set my heart on (unfinished sentence alert)
Grey pinstripes made out of fine twill. ... It seemed lonely sitting here for days without a finale.
Well there I was, wondering if anyone would bother finishing it off and up you pop ... with, if I may say, a very elegant last line. Bravo.
I went to the tailor's this morning
(Quite early - just as the day's dawning)
"Which way do you dress?" [well done, Duj]
, he enquired. In distress,
"With just simply the suit I was born in."
It's high time you told me the truth
without being rude and uncouth
"well, its like this"
"I want you to kiss"
And to what she said next I said "STREWTH!"
My sins now I wish to confess
I admit I like wearing a dress
But so what? I'm a girl
not some poncy old earl (Projoy) Are you, in fact? I'm not, BTW.
Though I've often been called 'My Princess'
Durn it, forgot the bold!
All conferrences over, thank God
With IDS left on his todd
His politics should be dangling sentence alert
cast into the sea
and consumed by ravenous cod.
Forgot the underline. Here goes.
[Rosie] Is that Newcastle Underline?

The secret to being a man

Was mislaid in the back of a van
it's hormones, you see The last time I was mislaid in the back of a van.........;-)
Causing trouble for me
and the poor sod who has no idea how to make this last line scan. (Thos) No, actually it was Ashton Underline. Sorry!
Bugger! Done it again.
Summer comes with the much warmer weather
And the crack of bare willow on leather.
By "leather," I mean
my pants, Josephine
When I'm fastened to you by a tether
Rosie/pen - oh-ho! It looked so innocuous until it got that far!
The trouble with wasting one's time
Over looking around for a rhyme
Is that some are so tricky
That you can't be too picky
and ridiculous displaces sublime. Alas!
I seem to be finishing an awful lot of these, maybe because I go to bed rather late and don't really do mornings. The joys of retirement! It's not one o'clock yet so maybe some night owl can start one.
My undies have turned pink and blue......It's been a bit like that, Rosie, I too have left a few for others of late. I suspect it's just 'one of those things'.
And I owe the whole thing to you
Colours don't mix with whites [Rosie] I'm going to be working nights come next month, so I anticipate doing some entire limericks myself...
And I'm working nights (sorry to hog two lines but frankly BM's line was too good to pass up)
But in darkness, you can't see the hue.
[Rosie: I seem to find myself doing a lot of first lines. Perhaps its all in the timing. Should we set up a kind of limerick tag-team?]
It's Monday again. What a pain!
Let's get naked and dance in the rain!
But there's work to be done!
And that man's got a gun!
Still, better than being David Blaine.
There's a rumour down St. Austell way
That the vicar's an awfully good lay
The rev's a woman, you see
So let's, after tea
Get down on our knees and then prey. yes, I can spell ...
As God said to me yesterday
'It's a shame that mans' feet are of clay,'
"But women's are wood"
"which isn't much good"leaving an opening for a grand finale....
When rolling around in the hay.... that was pantsy wasnt it?... onwards and downwards...
The voices I hear in my head
Say, "Kill them all, make them all dead!"
So keep out of my way
If you're planning to stay
Alive, and not copiously bled.
Beware! There's a beast on the loose
It's already beheaded a moose
It's got massive claws
And three sets of jaws
All SNARLY like big men called Bruce.
apologies to any non-snarling mild-mannered Bruces out there
I wish to object very strongly
For being treated so wrongly (I know, I know!)
You cad, oh, you fiend
I feel so demeaned
And you have made my face grow long-ly
And now I shall sue you for slander! [invoking more fiendish rhymes]
For you called me 'a cad and a bahnder'
But wives make good secs topicality invoked
And they come with free specs [doubling entendre]
And they all call their husbands, "Commander" That was a bizarre swerve, Projoy!
Darren - didn't you realise that IDS's given name is Longfaced Bruce?
Evidently not.
There's a lot of <HR> tags above!
Yeah. 'Fess up.
But still, it is you that I love!
ahem..
There's a lot of HR tags above!
But still, it is you that I love!
May I be so <bold>
Ahem...
May I be so <bold%gt;
You're simply too old (I thought I'd get a few in the bank back there.)
And you're ugly, when push comes to shove. [Darren] Well, I was recalling that IDS had threatened to sue anyone who impugned his character over the matter of his sec's life.
I'd risk all the world for your smile
As you smile in a very strange style
Your teeth are perfection
Despite the infection
which makes your gums shrink back a mile
Your feet are the colour of sin
So let's just pop them back in the bin
Your hands, I shall chop
To sell in my shop
With a pie with your entrails in
That last name made the homepage all wide and ugly. This is not the start of a limerick.
This is:
The homepage is ugly and wide
And all rotten and stinky inside
We have rab to thank
for the stink that it stank
- He caused it, though much he denied!
A magician, on doing a stunt,
That was *meant* to start a new limerick
Made sure that his knives were all blunt
His assistant insisted
That on throwing, they twisted
And kept well away from her front! (see how clean and restrained I managed to be)
It is said there's naught like a full moon
To encourage a lowly buffoon
to pull down his pants
And bathe in red ants
Till his buttocks are like a balloon.
I heard it once said in jest:
That Carlsberg is "prob'ly" the best
But Heineken reaches
the parts that one teaches
To stick their hands up ladies' vests.
When dancing at the P'liceman's Ball
I said, "No, dear sir, not at all!"
"I will not grab hold"
"Do you think me so bold"
"As 'pride' comes just 'fore a 'fall'"
A Chinese has been up into space
Wins the 'Great British Takeaway' race
Now the Yanks are all jealous
and that seems to tell us
Competition's the thing they can't face.
A Yank and a Chink in a bar
One in armour, and one on guitar
The Chink went clink
The Yank tried to think
But for a Yank, that just goes too far. Yup, I love our cousins across the pond. But they are Canadian ...
Gay bishops will guide us henceforth
(They're the one's who don't know south from the north)
They'll be quick to preach...
And then they will reach (dot dot dot)
Shirtlifters the way of the cloth Pronounced clorth by all Dick Emery style vicars, as you will recall.
err ... substitute the for with :o)
blimey - well done Software. I realised after I'd posted that first line - there are only two true rhymes.
Intelligent bio-design
is awfully fiendish to rhyme
But nevertheless
I'll try to impress
By invoking the presence divine.
[P, s, r, D & K] - satisfyingly concise and to the point!
If I end all parental controls
Will my offspring turn out to be trolls?
Or will they just lurk?
and never get work
, indulgence being one of their goals.
If I could go backwards in time
All the things that I'd do
I'd teach you a new way to rhyme (Since Projoy has varied from the Limerick form, let's just see where this goes. I've started what seems to be an ABAB pattern.)
And I'd keep winning the Lottery, too I memorise the numbers every week on the offchance that I will fall into a wormhole and go back to last month...
[Darren] I was actually shooting for a reverse limerick there (i.e. mine was line 4) but no matter...
The perfect acausal-type crime (unfinished sentence alert)
All the bits seem to be there, so shall we move on?>< hr>
On Sundays, I just like to laze
On Saturdays, shirk... since the last reverse failed, let's try again
'Til Friday I work
The week passes by in a haze
On Mondays my head's in a daze ... that gets the job done
How about a word reversal one now ...
reverse to has just one sometimes
perverse so be often can rhymes
kilter off up end you
filter a need words do?
.....verse of form this 'gainst many are crimes
Again! Again!
then okay ...
low brought often is scansion the where...
show to eager who're experts are there ... Double enders, eh? Excellent.
are they clever how
far too goes it now
foe formidable a metre's rare
Time in backwards go could I if
,thyme and parsley and rosem'ry sniff,
past the of think I
vast was garden My
crime a are looks youthful Richards Cliff
There's hardly a day that goes by
When you see people screaming out, "Why?"
Are they stupid, or mad .... [Chalky] you missed 'sage' above - sorry, I rather like S&G.
When they talk of Baghdad?
No, they once met Uday and Qusay.
Whilst hunting around for some sage
I met a bacteriophage
He had a big microscope
Which used a rare isotope ... Obviously not a scanning device
In a sensor wired up to a gauge
[Tina] If you want to highlight your entries, there are some helpful tips in the 'Banter Game' - about 4 or 5 pages back :-)
Biology's all very well
For people with no sense of smell-Thanks Chalky
But ammonia gas
Will empty the class oh, those northern vowels of mine...
Long enough to be saved by the bell.
By 'eck, lad, it's grim in the North
Och, cruvvens! Ye've no' seen the Forth!
So, oi'll stick to moi coider
(moi cumfert provoider)
In the Snug of "The Bear", Perranporth
It's quaite naice dyne h-yah in Surreh (sic)
We even eat foodstuffs laik curreh (sick)
In our hiyses of staine
orf porcelaine of baine
Which the servants prepare, so whay worreh?
They say that to lead a long life
You must eat your peas with a knife
Simulposted .... It is wise not to move to East Fife (in a desperate attempt to avoid yet another life/knife/wife limerick) ... I was just too late, it seems :-)
better luck next time CdM - remember not everyone here posts in 'Orange'.
If you used a long spoon
You'd finish too soon.
[Chalky] True. However, a troll through the archives on the three main servers finds eight life/wife/knife limericks, and a further twelve where life is rhymed with either wife or knife. (There are several that involve pea-eating among them. :-) ) And that is without the !York or Pants archives. I think that "life" should be classified with "month", "silver" and "orange" in the officially-frowned-upon file. But maybe that is just me.
And that will be the day that you die-F
-or they sing "Bye, American Pie
[Chalky (and Tuj)] Re-reading, that comes across as kind of critical, which was not my intention; my apologies for that. It was meant more as a tongue-in-cheek observation about what happens when you have been hanging around these servers for too long.
It's the best in the south you can buy ... This is becoming somewhat surreal.
If banoffee or lime
Seem less than sublime [CdM] quite so :-)
wash it down with plenty of rye.
They say there's a whorehouse in Texas
Where girls bounce on you solar plexus
So your breath comes in fits
You burst all your zits
BUT! It's all lies - made up by some lechers.
I once heard a lecher remark:
"Hello there, my name's Alan Clark"
I once was a Tory
But that's a long story
If you'd like, we can f*ck in the park
While pruning a bush in the garden Butchering, more like.
I found myself caught with a hard 'ern ... Lowering the tone, unless some horticulturist might rescue it.
I got out my clippers
In front of the nippers
- They didn't get even a 'pardon!'
I once took a trip to Estonia
Where brass bands have several euphonia.
I joined with a band
And got a big hand
Where not even doctors will go near
(emphasis on go and it works. Apologies for not knowing how to underline!)
[Angus] use <hr>
If you were to purchase a present
For me - how remarkably pleasant!
I'd rip off the wrapping
My wife would be flapping (Angus P) Try less-than hr greater-than.
"Slippers! You bloody peasant!"
While mixing cement in the bath [Angus] Actually, underlining is <u>like this</u>
I incurred mum's consid'rable wrath
She said "It'll set.... (Run-on)
In your creases, I'll bet!"
"so we'll just roll you out on the path!"
Using only Weetabix and mice
(And ignoring my father's advice)
My latest invention
got my mother's attention
By bringing her breakfast up (twice)
Since Darren can't access this site, - heh heh...
I can say whatever I want out of spite.
He'll return full of ire
With his friend of the 'spire'......Sorry, Chalky
And us with pestilence blight
hmmm ... apology accepted.
That Darren's a marvellous chap
When he purrs and curls up in your lap
But if you arouse his
Feline-fur trousis gimme a C!, gimme an O!, gimme an A!, gimme a T!
He'll join in with meaningless pap.
I love to peel a banana
And wrap the peel round a sultana
When boiled in wine,
And Seasoned with Thyme, Riff - use < b >tags< /b > to make your message bolder.
tastes great while grooving Santana
An indigent bookbinder's clerk
Rode a broomstick to get into work
. He saved money on petrol
But got his pants wet-rol
-ler skating in rain, what a berk. oh dear...
"Trick or treat" say the kids at my door (Darren, Big Dave) Real class!
so I sit tight and them I ignore
They pelt me with eggs
Shall I break their legs?
Then trick them to treats off the floor. .. heh heh
A good thing to say to a ghost
might be: "Hi - can you please pass the toast?"
A breakfasttime spectre
is a good dust collector
But reality comes with the post.
There is a huge flare on its way
Perhaps I could try that again?
There is a huge flare on its way
Well, the Sixties are back, so they say
it won't be so bright
If my trousers aren't right
Floral hipsters are just so passé!
I've just heard that Jon Snow's in the dock
for failing to adhere to the clock
like a well-dispatched fly
kept zipped, bye and bye
just listening to the tickity tock.
The problem with video games
Is they've got such ridiculous names
The Sims and the Lemmings
There's even Ian Flemming's
"Bond's Name Is No Longer James"
The trouble with very long bridges
Is they have lots of rust in long ridges
That's the problem with steel
Provided it's real
It attracts lots of magnetic midges
It'll soon be the Fifth of November
With fireworks and parkin, remember?
The Gunpowder Plot
Bonfires, hot
And annoying small brats, to dismember I'm not old and bitter, me..
The sixth of November will bring
The first signs of Global Warming
Unseas'nable weather
Cuckoos in't heather
And tides in the main street of Tring
just for Blob's benefit
The thing with the liner Aurora
Is it keeps getting smaller and smaller dodgy, but...
'Til it's just a mere speck.
but the people on deck
's arses are still getting sorer
In Paris, one might say it's chic
To be battre avec le 'ugly stick'
In the Rue de Montmartre
You can see Jean-Paul Sartre
Searching the ground for du fric
There was a young man from Nantucket
Who lived all his life in a bucket
To the end of his days
his oddly strange ways
were why passersby always struck it.
When invited to dine with the Queen,
Prince Phillip created a scene
He swore and he cussed
But Her Maj was non-plussed
by the way his nose glowed tangerine.
On a bath day, when losing the soap,
Is the best time for having a grope
For an innocent fumble
Is no cause to grumble
Just make sure the soap's on a rope!
Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap
He's been given a terrible rap
He just wanted to say
'Being Catholic's okay'
'Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap'
Tchaikovski found fortune and fame
By playing a tedious game
He used to subscribe [Projoy] Last line above - awesome!
To a Balinese tribe
Who never could quite spell his last name
In the middle of singing a tune
That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon
For her grasp of tonality
and vocal neutrality
Were nil. Ought to try the bassoon. On second thoughts...
*applauds* Whilst staying just south of Milan
I began to dance a "can-can"
- except that I can't
'cause my recent implant
Is still sore (But at last I'm a man!)
In the middle of making a toast
To my flatulent ill-mannered host - [st d] superb!
I felt a deep rumble
my bowel, it did grumble
And then my gas gave up the ghost.
Mr Howard is now Tory Leader
Another smug and fawning bleeder
It seems they can't win
It makes Kennedy grin
That damn little Scot ginger weed - er
I would like to point out at this time I have nothing against Scots, ginger people or indeed the Lib Dems.
It's goodbye to Iain Duncan-Smith
We will all shed a tear and a sniff (sorry)
who returns to the darkness forthwith.
BUGGER - SIMULPOST. How did that happen?
(Bifurcating then...)
He was Labour's best hope / He was banished by Howard
Now it's gone up in smoke/The backstabbing coward
And he's now been replaced by a twit-h
Many terrible deeds at the palace
none commited, however, by Alice
All we know is - a writ
We'll know more in a bit ...
But I bet it involves a royal phallus
Last night I dreamt I was walking
Surrey streets in a town known as Dorking
And when I awoke (Ken T) I see you've got here at last. :-)
I was really in Stoke
Being arrested for illegal stalking. [plump] Actually a servant's, according to what I hear... you didn't get it from me though...
If you want to develop your pecs
Take a hint from good old T-Rex
Just strum your guitar
and don't wear a bra
And engage dear Prince ********** in sex sorry if I lowered the tone at all...
How do you get a line in here?
Like this.
In the middle of sueing for slander
(for they spoke out with far too much candour)
We stopped for a dance [barbacoa] <hr> - I remember it as short for "horizontal rule"
Just on the off chance
A Cha-Cha with Chi-Chi the panda
There's an injunction on part of this verse
For the censored censored, it gets worse!
The Guardian's screaming
The lawyers are beaming
And every report must be terse.
For those who are feeling the cold
Remember it stifles the mold.
So get on with living
Be loving and giving
And let those warm feelings unfold. aaah
In the middle of drinking some tea,
I thought "this will make me pee". Old men and their bladders :-(
What if I don't get up? ohdearohdearohdear
Or I drench the new pup? yelp!
A dilemma I'm sure you'll agree
If you curtsey again I shall scream
I can see your knickers, they're green
At least, I think they're your pants
Inside, I feel ants
gnawing away at my spleen. What a compendium of non-sequiturs, mine included. I feel we can do better. :-)
From Hackney to Bromley-by-Bow
And the meadows of old Pimlico Already I'm liking the poetry of this one ....
The byways we tread
As we breathe in the lead
And eastward t'wards Dagenham we go. Hit me with your rhythm stick!
Kew Gardens; the height of the fall
Has tourists who just have the gall
To drop all their wrappers
Then run like the clappers oblig
and leg-it over the wall
It's rumoured that Hampton Court Palace in keeping
Was the setting for BBC's 'Dallas'
And that really, JR
Was Kath-ar-ine Parr
Dressed-up and sporting a phalus.
Meanwhile, back in Kalamazoo
Michigan State's playing host to The Who
They've already smashed
Guitars and they've trashed
all the hotels they've stayed in too
George Bush isn't bright it is true
But I don't think it matters, do you?
He's just one of the guys.
Although he denies
The attack on Iraq was a coup
From Kalamazoo to East Lansing
"Who" fans blocked the streets up with dancing.
But things went awry
When a pineapple pie
Hit the vocalist, who now just can't sing.
thanks!
On a day out with Danny La Rue
I found half a didgeridoo
Its twang was almighty
- It was heard back in Blighty -
and Danny dived into the loohighly unlikely, anyway it's a dunny down under, or so us poms are led to believe. Here endeth the lesson.
Lusaka, Kinshasa, Harare
St Fagans, Blaenavon and Barry
Kilmarnock and Fife
Looe and St Ive
And Kenya (Whilst lost on Safari).
They say I'm a much-travelled man
And it's true - I've spent time in Japan
and also on Mars
(But mostly in bars)
Where I filled up my green petrol can.
Is it true to say green eggs and ham unfi...
Are unfit for consumption by man ?
With a fox, in a box
and cream cheese and lox
They're still better for you than spam.
At last I have ultimate power! Muahahahaha!
Before you all people shall cower! (echoes laugh)
The formula's mine
For the fog on the Tyne
And the alpine fresh scent in your shower! It doesn't come much more potent than that.
Syntactical rules are not made (sentence alert unfinished)
Syntactical rules are not made
to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade
But to help make some sense
(and not cause offence)
Of all the preceding tyrade
My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught
With the pedantry that I was taught
By a teacher at school
(the silly old fool)
His lessons weren't not what they ought.
Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme
So many to try, but no time!
So here I will just unfinished...
Make do with a lust
For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.
As Yoda declared once to me,
'Confused by this all will you be'
Well, he was right
for I sat up all night
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