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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Why not speak of blatant floozies?
Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
In the quest for new methods of scansion
< Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
[pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
Each line becomes prone to expansion
The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
The less well they vet
And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
If you find yourself short of a rhyme
Or your syllables all out of time
Don't panic - just doodle
Or suck on a noodle
Or large Gin with tonic and lime
Hurrah!

When pen's full of derring and do

s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
the resemblance to shite
Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
I once had a haddock called frank
That I'd use to give children a spank
The fish didn't mind
Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
"Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
said the man who was driving a tank
Quite why he should yell
well, no-one could tell
but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
For the subsequent puddle of wee
It doesn't take a genius, you know
to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
but calligraphy
Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
May result in a word overflow
That President Bush is so smart!
He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
but Saddam's disappeared,
behind a big beard
And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
But we did everything that we could
The defibrilator
was unable to cater
For a heart that was made out of wood
A ride on the night bus to Romford
Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
You part with your fare
travel as far as you dare
Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
On moving to Nik's shiny server
We could scarcely contain our great fervour
Our bookmarks are updated
Download time truncated
We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
D'oh! Forgot the bold!
DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
That's why he suffered this mishap:
He left out a tag
But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
Ignore not the rules of scansion
Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
When being quiet anal
When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
So fill out your lines with aplomb.
A game of Celebrity Shares
Will attract the bulls and the bears
The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
But better not risk
All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
While walking to work in the rain
I danced as I felt quite insane
[Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
(as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
The day you install a new bath
Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
But - beer or bathwater?
Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
Before I go down the bath path
To make the best beef and veg. stew,
First kill your cow. Then take two
Bushels of sweet potatoes
Fry them on a hotplate, close
The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
I once met a young plain-clothes nun
Disguised as Attila The Hun
Yet I (to my shame)
Thought she was on the game
Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
I got caught out today in the rain
With an outcome of very great pain
I was poked in the eye
And was told "Get me dry!"
By the great and irate Michael Caine
I wonder where porcupines sleep?
On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
Laying still and supine
(All their quills must align)
Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
Be careful when you knock on doors
Especially in the Azores
You just never know
You'll find on the loo
P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
Who'll do it? And what's their career?
The task is quite tricky
The end might be sticky
Let's just put it off till next year.
Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
And Chalky a bit of a clown
Our lim'ricks lack wit
Our rhyming is crap
So it's good that our scansion is sound
Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
down to London on a very slow
train, that breaks down
In a Devonshire town
Just south of Westward Ho
Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
Let's draw the line under that then :-)
Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
But where would you all like to dine?
I know a good spot
Where it won't cost a lot
Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
I got lost on my way in to work
My boss will think I'm on the shirk
But my caravanette
Is slippy and wet
I went tits-up and felt a right berk
That evening, I felt a right tit
It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
droopy, although
I would like to know
Which girl was the owner of it.
Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
You're not. T'was a joke.
Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
Should be hid, on the grounds
Of upsetting our VIP guests
They say we're all getting obese
But really we're just wearing fleece
On our stag nights we leap
right into the heap...
of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
The heat is still on Tony Blair
And his lying colleague Alistair
Now that wasn't quite true
What they claimed they could do
But at least they both tried, for a dare.
Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
it is nothing rude!
although slightly chewed
But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
Whenever you start a new day
Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
Then take off your pants
Check your recent implants
And your morals will then go astray
I lay myself down now to sleep
On this couch that I found going cheap
But the springs aren't quite right
I'll be up most the night
Installing the ones from my jeep
At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
from the buffet - both cold food and hot
My mid-afternoon snack
Matches my brown anorak
Which I flash in, more often than not.
I noticed, whilst having a shower,
That I'd developed my own super power
"Eureka," I cried
As I started to slide . . .oo-er
On the soap for at least half an hour
"She said she was nineteen, yer honour
If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
And spun round and round
It was later I knew t'was Madonna
It's a 'rollover' weekend again
And so I shall be stripping for men
And then let them grope
In the misguided hope
*with a great effort of will, resists temptation to post line ending in "pen"*
That their fumblings'll score ten out of ten. [CdM - am assuming that the above isn't line 5]
The outcome is certain, that's true [CdM] You're too kind :o)
A bed made especially for two Ooer, missus
With a whip and a rope I'm in a funny mood..;)
Plus some carbolic soap [snorgle :-)]
And a drop of the best superglue.
If you wear a hat, you should know
That it brings you nothing but woe
For when the wind blows
From your head off it throws
Thereby leaving your bald patch on show.
Whilst driving a red Kia Pride
I found a dead body inside
It stank to high heaven
So I drove down to Devon
Where 'twas easier than Oxford to hide.
I do hope that I am not overstepping the line
Oh no! I've done it again!
I've been caught 'below decks' with a WReN
She gave her consent
When our passion was spent
To reveal all I knew to the men.
In an effort to be more appealing
I have plastered myself to the ceiling
From this lofty abode
O'er the family Spode
I would welcome a cup of darjeeling [very Lewis Carroll]
All above - muddy rarvellous!
A mishap while I hoovered the floor
Caused the hoover to suck up the door
The windows and walls
and even my smalls
not to mention my Greenwing Macaw
It's rainy and windy and wet well in Cardiff, anyway, and I'm going to damn well make you all suffer as well!
No respite from that curry, as yet Terrible thing, IBS...
I can still smell the sauce
'Cos I'm farting in Morse sorry people - Uncle K's fault :-)
So best dash, Dot, in case it should set
They say that it's rude to stare
But I really don't care
Also, I smell
Like the cesspits of Hell
'Cause I bathed in yak's milk for a dare [Darren - that's your second smelly third line!]
I suffer from awful BO
You'll smell it wherever I go [That's my third!]
My pox scabs are rotting [Darren - shame - I was feeding you a third line and we simulposted]
And my groin is hotting [Hint: up]
up by the hour, it's gonna blow!! [rab - hint taken, v subtly done :-)]
I cannot believe it's not butter
is not easy to say with a stutter
So I'll spread it with jam
Or bake it with ham
Or beat it at golf with a putter.
I appear to be missing a ball
Said Adolph Hitler, to us all
I'll take one of Goering's
Cute spherical nose-rings
And clip it to Eva Braun's shawl.
I don't like the way that it sounds
When love-making strays out of bounds
And I'm in the next room
On top of a broom
But at least for divorce I have grounds
I'm a hundred and twenty today!
So unless I drop dead
Oh dear - taking rudeness to faint new depths...*Don't I deserve head?*
Before I waste slowly away [Don't be coy, pen - I'm sure we were all thinking the same :-)]
Nothing wrong with a bit of bawdiness.
That's not a limerick line, btw
Now bawdiness just ain't my style lies, lies and more lies ;o)
We'll leave that to Chalky and Kayl
They prefer, so it's said,
To say this instead:
"I love how you shunt as I strile" (Have I had Kayl's pronounciation wrong all this time - i took it to rhyme with shale...? No criticism intended, just curious!)
[blamelewis] I was never too sure, myself, but decided that Kayl is the only MC player I could think of whose name might rhyme, so I used a bit of limeretic licence. And are you telling me your name isn't pronounced bla-melloo-iss?

It's high time that I wrote a first line

You did a good job - that one's fine!
The next one is bad
The fourth one is trad
And this last? Just call it asinine!
Today I must trim all my warts
So I can look good in my shorts
The one on my heel
Is starting to feel
Like the ball from a basketball court.
I come back to England tonight Really! First lot of Fish n' Chips for 4 months! Can't wait!
Proving that I'm not that bright
What's more, I will wear
The pelt of a bear
And thus be a nightmarish sight Sorry to do 3rd and 5th, but this one had lain around for far too long
just an observation - limericks that begin with an 'actual' first-person experience are always tricky to follow . . .
Whenever the clock chimes, I wonder
Which cities I'll ravish and plunder
For at 12.59,
I think its the time,
To steal, pillage and wrent asunder
It's a hundred degrees in the shade
And commuters' tempers are frayed
For instant relief
Penelope Keith
Is free, in the Penny arcade.
When Valéry Giscard d'Estaing
Goes out to buy six petits pains
There's not enough argent
To feed him and his sergeant Pronunciation? What's that then?
Aujourdhui et demain au matin.
My legs have just melted away
With my third hit of acid today
A purple giraffe
Has invaded my gaff
Which I wasn't expecting 'til May
I've married my step-son's third cousin
Tongues are wagging nineteen to the dozen
The consanguintee
(See the family tree)
Did not vote for Anders Fogh Rasmussen
(That's the prime minister of Denmark, as you know.)
If Ricky had've lost that number . . . bbcR2 playing here
We'd be up to our ears in old lumber
But Ricky is just
Earning a crust
Aboard that knackered old boat on the Humber . . . thought I'd administer a swift but humane killing. Ricky obviously didn't capture imaginations. Moving swiftly on . . .
Emblazoned across the wall
Are the words, "This is nothing at all"
"There is nothing to see"
"If you don't pay a fee"
But fork out and the sight will appall
Nasturtiums are an edible bloom lovely in salads!
Which are currently enjoying a boom
But pansies, they say
Will make you turn gay This is one of those oblig ones, isn't it
And a tulip's a portent of doom.
A great metropolitan man
Alighted the train at East Ham
He walked several miles
Towards Chalfont St Giles
And declared Mrs Trellis a sham
I'm not taking prisoners today
I will eat all who get in my way
"Any chance of a fork?"
I asked of a dork
Then I tucked into him straight-away!
When exposing a snake in the grass
Be careful you act with some class
Otherwise, keep it schtum
By inserting your thumb
And heading it off at the pass
It's painful to make the admission
That your power is from nuclear fission
But it's safer than coal
But on the whole
just leave it to your electrician
Garden sparrows, wrens, finches and tits
Can all be assembled from kits
Using small bits of wire
And an old rubber tyre
And a car engine, taken to bits.
The beauty of avian construction
Is the match of its form to its function
You must get this right
For the things to take flight
Lest they plummet on down to destruction.
The terrible thing about crows
Is that I've got three stuck up my nose
They peck at my eyes
Unbutton my flies
and crap all over my toes
My budgie looks terribly strange
I think it's got some sort of mange
It's purple and green
It's lost all its sheen
And it's singing "Oh, Home on the Range"
To make sense of the birds and the bees
one must crawl on one's hands and one's knees
And look for a clue
About what to do
Re. the mating behaviour of fleas
In Ottawa, during the blackout, (Just got back)
I got my adventuring pack out [UK] Love the last line of the budgie one.
My Leatherman tool
My good old slide rule
And a Packet of three (just about) My good old slide rule
It was just as the night turned to dawn
When I decided to blow on my horn
I woke up the neighbours
By tossing them cabers
I sell it as DIY porn
A spider just ran up my leg just to creep certain people out..:)
And left, in my knickers, an egg (there are certain recurring themes here...)
For warm incubating . . . assuming the knickers are warm
And the chance of creating
Thousands of spiders - oh smeg!
A wasp laid its eggs in my foot
Then stung me, the ungrateful brute What is this? David Cronenberg Limerick hour? yeuugh...
[blamelewis] I'll spare you "There are maggots infesting my brain" then.
Its progeny hatched - Does Software not know about the magic of the >b< tag?
>b< even.
I give up.
and were swiftly despatched . . . having problems Darren? hehehe.
By a blow to the head from my boot - How about the magic <b> tag, Darren? - I find it works better :)
With killer bugs eating my face,
I sprayed myself well with some Mace
Then to cut out the pain
I cut out my brain
And replaced it with Chantilly lace . . . like you do :-)
Thus spake Zarathrustra (to me):
"It's lovely to be a Parsee"
For when you are dead
You get breakfast in bed
and in mid-afternoon, you get tea.
"Ecce homo!" he cried to the crowd
"How dare you?" I replied aloud
He said, "Ooh get her!"
Then his fists were a blur
Thus to prove his manhood and stand proud.
With a deafening cry of "Eureka!"
Duncan Smith took a swing at the Speaker.
He took up the Mace
Wiped the egg off his face
And became the Commons' first streaker.
I've run up a slate at the bar
As a Silk this is just about par.
Then I ran down a bike,
Ran into a dyke,
Which won't take my career very far slack... but a mercy killing.
The rich make their to Cancun
Gah! YES! let's try again..
The rich make their way to Cancun
The poor remain stuck in Rangoon
And that's where they'll stay
'Til they make their way
to their graves, with their rice bowl and spoon.
There's nothing like bright merry laughter
For post-coital gloom the day after
So tickle me pink
With a blinky wink wink
On the other hand - just go and shaft 'er. - COAT!!!
Oh, dear! I appear to be dead.
I wish I was living instead.
I should not have jumped
Can I claim I was bumped?
Or I sleepwalked off of Beachy Head?
Your Honour, the verdict is clear.
And I tell you, without any fear
The defendant's a duck
At him throw the book
- he's guilty of rhymes worse than Lear. phew!
The trouble with Britain today
Is the Gummint won't do things my way
If I were dictator
I'd sort out this state, or
sulk, pout and call you all "Gay"!
The head of Alfredo Garcia
Is, sadly, now missing an ear
It got pulled right off
By a dodgy old toff
Who'd had far to many crates of Beer
Announcing my can-di-da-cy,
I'd like to become an MP
I've reached the right weight
Appeared on 'Blind Date'
And now, Captain Peacock, I'm free-eee
Alighting the train in Pristina
I met a cute girl called Christina
She was going my way
(and we did have all day)
But all she would drink was Ribena
The best way to piss off a rhino
Is to tweak him and call him a wino
Then pull down your pants
Do the St Vitus dance
Mind the horn, though 'cos it can be final! (employing "Cockney Cheeky Chappy" convention)
While out in the bush, hunting dik-dik,
I ran from a snake, very quik-quik
However, the beetle
Though not eating meat'll
Still make a bloke feel quite sick-sick.
Let's all go and moon David Blaineyarr..
Yes! We could meet up on the train! Arrr!!
We'll stand in a line Avast! what a sight we be! Yarrr!
And drink buckets of Wine
And drop all our pants in the rain
[Sorry to hog two lines, but I have to know...]
Will somebody kindly explain
The point of this tit, David Blaine
Is it just show biz
Does anyone know? Is
It worth bringing him up again?
If you swallowed him bring him up quick!
He'll be right if you make yourself sick!
Your face went quite red
At the mention of Fred
Have you eaten him too, you great prick? - I'll be needing that coat after all.
Well, now that I've broken my wrist - and will be in agonising pain for the next 4-6 weeks thanks to some idjit learner driver...
You'll be spared the caress of my fist[MF] Commiserations. Sue!
And the way that I pass
my hand over your ass sorrysorrysorry - I don't know what's come over my this morning ...
To fondle your sebaceous cyst - yughk ! [pen] Don't call Martha, Sue, he doesn't like it.
I hate that I've become a mute I've still got no voice!
But still I am sexy and cute
The sight of my curves
And my shimmying swerves
Is sweeter than the sound of a lute.
[D, UK, R & Bm] dead right too :o)
Discovered "in flagrant delight",
I am on display every night
Flagrante delicto
With my fragrant big toe
Who says such a thing can't be right?
I've recorded my thoughts onto tape
on the music from "The Great Escape"
This suicide note
I leave in your coat
as you seem to have mislaid your cape
Come workers, and throw off your chains!
Let's go, and destroy all the trains!
Our bold insurrection
Means we'll miss our connection
And we we'll wait for three hours at Staines
When you find yourself gasping for air
And no-one around seems to care
Take a deep mental breath
be prepared for your death
And kiss farewell to your derriere oblig.
Let's all go out with a bang
And a zoom and a whizz and a clang
For with any luck
We'll hit more than a duck
And the rest of the world can go hang!
It was twenty years ago today
Sgt.Pepper thought Lennon was gay
So he tried a test
And then pulled off his vest
And found Yoko Ono in play!
I'd like to be under the sea
And take part in the Whale's Jamboree
The octopus can
make mincemeat of man
With tentacles one, two and three
But tentacles four, five and six to continue a second verse...
are for en-tire-ly separate tricks
Pick a card, any card...
... study it, long and hard
And the tentacles will beat you with sticks.
Now, tentacles seven and eight (Oblig.)
(the subjects of fiercesome debate)
Are they just spares? (Chalky) Fearsome? Fierce? :-)
Used only on stairs?
or just put on show in the Tate? -like dead sheep...
But all the tentacles have suckers The grand finale! :)
When aroused, every one of them puckers
into shape most beguiling
The creature is smiling
No wonder! It's caused a great ruckus. [Rosie - re. above] yeah - one of my invented words.
While making a nice good thick gravy Without lumps, I'll have you know.
An art which I learned in the navy
I dropped in the pot
A crusty old Scot
- when he came out, his curlies were wavy. There is no alternative ...
We were sad when Pants went away Yes, we were :-(
It was oh such a very sad day
For both players and vicars Hmm... anyone in a real 'Friday afternoon' frame of mind care to follow on...?
Are bereft of their knickers ... wondering if there was a ruder word I could have used . .
As they squat in the cats litter tray
If you catch a whiff of ammonia,
You should travel at once to Livonia
Eùmist kõrd mierdõ (Carpe Diem invoked)
You've pissed up me 'airdo Er . . .Will this do?
And now I've got double pneumonia ... best I could do - given the bizarre switch to 'first person'.
I don't mind the getting up early
When the dawn is tendrilled and pearly
But what I can't stand
Is the touch of your hand
That's caressing my Curly Wurly
I once was attacked by a squirrel
Whilst using an epidural only 2 rhymes left, unless someone uses their imagination..
Which I had received
in my dire hour of need (snorgle) Where's Birkenhead?
from a backstreet old quack, name of CyrilScouse avoidance invoked
To make a relationship work
IDS must convince us he's sane - uphill struggle in Blackpool
Bugger, simulpost, Hi Chalks, BTW
One must not act up like a jerk - going with Chalks, on this one.
To make a relationship work
One must not act up as a jerk
By groping those bits
That the hand nicely fits
you'll drive any female berserk. (Uncle K) Birkenhead - Wirral, squirrel. :-)
A microwave oven will cook
An elk, a badger, or rook
But if you try bison .. oh dear - more animal cruelty. See Orange - NB. not for the squeamish
or even Mike Tyson
It could get quite ugly - don't look!
The loveliest boy in the school
Is usually gay, as a rule Squirrel and Wirral don't rhyme to me!
You can tell by his satchel
He hangs out with Tatchell (thanks for the feed, Chalky)
He's as gay as a damsel Oh, dear, Chalks, another duff rhyming word
Bugger simulpost
At Eton, being camp is thought cool might as well get this over with.
Never mind, Softers. Rest assured, I would never post anything that didn't have a rhyme - but in this case, there was really only the one which rab picked up. Now for linesperson duty ...
When simulposted, I just stare
At a line which ain't meant to be there
My brilliance is wasted!
My genius untasted!
And my fine words are all rendered spare.
While studying a map of Belgrade
On my yacht (for I'm rather well paid)
There's a gaping big hole
the size of a goal
at the place where explosives are made.
There once was a house on a hill
Just Checked, it's up there still
Oh dear. It's turned Tartan
And I'd so set my heart on (unfinished sentence alert)
Grey pinstripes made out of fine twill. ... It seemed lonely sitting here for days without a finale.
Well there I was, wondering if anyone would bother finishing it off and up you pop ... with, if I may say, a very elegant last line. Bravo.
I went to the tailor's this morning
(Quite early - just as the day's dawning)
"Which way do you dress?" [well done, Duj]
, he enquired. In distress,
"With just simply the suit I was born in."
It's high time you told me the truth
without being rude and uncouth
"well, its like this"
"I want you to kiss"
And to what she said next I said "STREWTH!"
My sins now I wish to confess
I admit I like wearing a dress
But so what? I'm a girl
not some poncy old earl (Projoy) Are you, in fact? I'm not, BTW.
Though I've often been called 'My Princess'
Durn it, forgot the bold!
All conferrences over, thank God
With IDS left on his todd
His politics should be dangling sentence alert
cast into the sea
and consumed by ravenous cod.
Forgot the underline. Here goes.
[Rosie] Is that Newcastle Underline?

The secret to being a man

Was mislaid in the back of a van
it's hormones, you see The last time I was mislaid in the back of a van.........;-)
Causing trouble for me
and the poor sod who has no idea how to make this last line scan. (Thos) No, actually it was Ashton Underline. Sorry!
Bugger! Done it again.
Summer comes with the much warmer weather
And the crack of bare willow on leather.
By "leather," I mean
my pants, Josephine
When I'm fastened to you by a tether
Rosie/pen - oh-ho! It looked so innocuous until it got that far!
The trouble with wasting one's time
Over looking around for a rhyme
Is that some are so tricky
That you can't be too picky
and ridiculous displaces sublime. Alas!
I seem to be finishing an awful lot of these, maybe because I go to bed rather late and don't really do mornings. The joys of retirement! It's not one o'clock yet so maybe some night owl can start one.
My undies have turned pink and blue......It's been a bit like that, Rosie, I too have left a few for others of late. I suspect it's just 'one of those things'.
And I owe the whole thing to you
Colours don't mix with whites [Rosie] I'm going to be working nights come next month, so I anticipate doing some entire limericks myself...
And I'm working nights (sorry to hog two lines but frankly BM's line was too good to pass up)
But in darkness, you can't see the hue.
[Rosie: I seem to find myself doing a lot of first lines. Perhaps its all in the timing. Should we set up a kind of limerick tag-team?]
It's Monday again. What a pain!
Let's get naked and dance in the rain!
But there's work to be done!
And that man's got a gun!
Still, better than being David Blaine.
There's a rumour down St. Austell way
That the vicar's an awfully good lay
The rev's a woman, you see
So let's, after tea
Get down on our knees and then prey. yes, I can spell ...
As God said to me yesterday
'It's a shame that mans' feet are of clay,'
"But women's are wood"
"which isn't much good"leaving an opening for a grand finale....
When rolling around in the hay.... that was pantsy wasnt it?... onwards and downwards...
The voices I hear in my head
Say, "Kill them all, make them all dead!"
So keep out of my way
If you're planning to stay
Alive, and not copiously bled.
Beware! There's a beast on the loose
It's already beheaded a moose
It's got massive claws
And three sets of jaws
All SNARLY like big men called Bruce.
apologies to any non-snarling mild-mannered Bruces out there
I wish to object very strongly
For being treated so wrongly (I know, I know!)
You cad, oh, you fiend
I feel so demeaned
And you have made my face grow long-ly
And now I shall sue you for slander! [invoking more fiendish rhymes]
For you called me 'a cad and a bahnder'
But wives make good secs topicality invoked
And they come with free specs [doubling entendre]
And they all call their husbands, "Commander" That was a bizarre swerve, Projoy!
Darren - didn't you realise that IDS's given name is Longfaced Bruce?
Evidently not.
There's a lot of <HR> tags above!
Yeah. 'Fess up.
But still, it is you that I love!
ahem..
There's a lot of HR tags above!
But still, it is you that I love!
May I be so <bold>
Ahem...
May I be so <bold%gt;
You're simply too old (I thought I'd get a few in the bank back there.)
And you're ugly, when push comes to shove. [Darren] Well, I was recalling that IDS had threatened to sue anyone who impugned his character over the matter of his sec's life.
I'd risk all the world for your smile
As you smile in a very strange style
Your teeth are perfection
Despite the infection
which makes your gums shrink back a mile
Your feet are the colour of sin
So let's just pop them back in the bin
Your hands, I shall chop
To sell in my shop
With a pie with your entrails in
That last name made the homepage all wide and ugly. This is not the start of a limerick.
This is:
The homepage is ugly and wide
And all rotten and stinky inside
We have rab to thank
for the stink that it stank
- He caused it, though much he denied!
A magician, on doing a stunt,
That was *meant* to start a new limerick
Made sure that his knives were all blunt
His assistant insisted
That on throwing, they twisted
And kept well away from her front! (see how clean and restrained I managed to be)
It is said there's naught like a full moon
To encourage a lowly buffoon
to pull down his pants
And bathe in red ants
Till his buttocks are like a balloon.
I heard it once said in jest:
That Carlsberg is "prob'ly" the best
But Heineken reaches
the parts that one teaches
To stick their hands up ladies' vests.
When dancing at the P'liceman's Ball
I said, "No, dear sir, not at all!"
"I will not grab hold"
"Do you think me so bold"
"As 'pride' comes just 'fore a 'fall'"
A Chinese has been up into space
Wins the 'Great British Takeaway' race
Now the Yanks are all jealous
and that seems to tell us
Competition's the thing they can't face.
A Yank and a Chink in a bar
One in armour, and one on guitar
The Chink went clink
The Yank tried to think
But for a Yank, that just goes too far. Yup, I love our cousins across the pond. But they are Canadian ...
Gay bishops will guide us henceforth
(They're the one's who don't know south from the north)
They'll be quick to preach...
And then they will reach (dot dot dot)
Shirtlifters the way of the cloth Pronounced clorth by all Dick Emery style vicars, as you will recall.
err ... substitute the for with :o)
blimey - well done Software. I realised after I'd posted that first line - there are only two true rhymes.
Intelligent bio-design
is awfully fiendish to rhyme
But nevertheless
I'll try to impress
By invoking the presence divine.
[P, s, r, D & K] - satisfyingly concise and to the point!
If I end all parental controls
Will my offspring turn out to be trolls?
Or will they just lurk?
and never get work
, indulgence being one of their goals.
If I could go backwards in time
All the things that I'd do
I'd teach you a new way to rhyme (Since Projoy has varied from the Limerick form, let's just see where this goes. I've started what seems to be an ABAB pattern.)
And I'd keep winning the Lottery, too I memorise the numbers every week on the offchance that I will fall into a wormhole and go back to last month...
[Darren] I was actually shooting for a reverse limerick there (i.e. mine was line 4) but no matter...
The perfect acausal-type crime (unfinished sentence alert)
All the bits seem to be there, so shall we move on?>< hr>
On Sundays, I just like to laze
On Saturdays, shirk... since the last reverse failed, let's try again
'Til Friday I work
The week passes by in a haze
On Mondays my head's in a daze ... that gets the job done
How about a word reversal one now ...
reverse to has just one sometimes
perverse so be often can rhymes
kilter off up end you
filter a need words do?
.....verse of form this 'gainst many are crimes
Again! Again!
then okay ...
low brought often is scansion the where...
show to eager who're experts are there ... Double enders, eh? Excellent.
are they clever how
far too goes it now
foe formidable a metre's rare
Time in backwards go could I if
,thyme and parsley and rosem'ry sniff,
past the of think I
vast was garden My
crime a are looks youthful Richards Cliff
There's hardly a day that goes by
When you see people screaming out, "Why?"
Are they stupid, or mad .... [Chalky] you missed 'sage' above - sorry, I rather like S&G.
When they talk of Baghdad?
No, they once met Uday and Qusay.
Whilst hunting around for some sage
I met a bacteriophage
He had a big microscope
Which used a rare isotope ... Obviously not a scanning device
In a sensor wired up to a gauge
[Tina] If you want to highlight your entries, there are some helpful tips in the 'Banter Game' - about 4 or 5 pages back :-)
Biology's all very well
For people with no sense of smell-Thanks Chalky
But ammonia gas
Will empty the class oh, those northern vowels of mine...
Long enough to be saved by the bell.
By 'eck, lad, it's grim in the North
Och, cruvvens! Ye've no' seen the Forth!
So, oi'll stick to moi coider
(moi cumfert provoider)
In the Snug of "The Bear", Perranporth
It's quaite naice dyne h-yah in Surreh (sic)
We even eat foodstuffs laik curreh (sick)
In our hiyses of staine
orf porcelaine of baine
Which the servants prepare, so whay worreh?
They say that to lead a long life
You must eat your peas with a knife
Simulposted .... It is wise not to move to East Fife (in a desperate attempt to avoid yet another life/knife/wife limerick) ... I was just too late, it seems :-)
better luck next time CdM - remember not everyone here posts in 'Orange'.
If you used a long spoon
You'd finish too soon.
[Chalky] True. However, a troll through the archives on the three main servers finds eight life/wife/knife limericks, and a further twelve where life is rhymed with either wife or knife. (There are several that involve pea-eating among them. :-) ) And that is without the !York or Pants archives. I think that "life" should be classified with "month", "silver" and "orange" in the officially-frowned-upon file. But maybe that is just me.
And that will be the day that you die-F
-or they sing "Bye, American Pie
[Chalky (and Tuj)] Re-reading, that comes across as kind of critical, which was not my intention; my apologies for that. It was meant more as a tongue-in-cheek observation about what happens when you have been hanging around these servers for too long.
It's the best in the south you can buy ... This is becoming somewhat surreal.
If banoffee or lime
Seem less than sublime [CdM] quite so :-)
wash it down with plenty of rye.
They say there's a whorehouse in Texas
Where girls bounce on you solar plexus
So your breath comes in fits
You burst all your zits
BUT! It's all lies - made up by some lechers.
I once heard a lecher remark:
"Hello there, my name's Alan Clark"
I once was a Tory
But that's a long story
If you'd like, we can f*ck in the park
While pruning a bush in the garden Butchering, more like.
I found myself caught with a hard 'ern ... Lowering the tone, unless some horticulturist might rescue it.
I got out my clippers
In front of the nippers
- They didn't get even a 'pardon!'
I once took a trip to Estonia
Where brass bands have several euphonia.
I joined with a band
And got a big hand
Where not even doctors will go near
(emphasis on go and it works. Apologies for not knowing how to underline!)
[Angus] use <hr>
If you were to purchase a present
For me - how remarkably pleasant!
I'd rip off the wrapping
My wife would be flapping (Angus P) Try less-than hr greater-than.
"Slippers! You bloody peasant!"
While mixing cement in the bath [Angus] Actually, underlining is <u>like this</u>
I incurred mum's consid'rable wrath
She said "It'll set.... (Run-on)
In your creases, I'll bet!"
"so we'll just roll you out on the path!"
Using only Weetabix and mice
(And ignoring my father's advice)
My latest invention
got my mother's attention
By bringing her breakfast up (twice)
Since Darren can't access this site, - heh heh...
I can say whatever I want out of spite.
He'll return full of ire
With his friend of the 'spire'......Sorry, Chalky
And us with pestilence blight
hmmm ... apology accepted.
That Darren's a marvellous chap
When he purrs and curls up in your lap
But if you arouse his
Feline-fur trousis gimme a C!, gimme an O!, gimme an A!, gimme a T!
He'll join in with meaningless pap.
I love to peel a banana
And wrap the peel round a sultana
When boiled in wine,
And Seasoned with Thyme, Riff - use < b >tags< /b > to make your message bolder.
tastes great while grooving Santana
An indigent bookbinder's clerk
Rode a broomstick to get into work
. He saved money on petrol
But got his pants wet-rol
-ler skating in rain, what a berk. oh dear...
"Trick or treat" say the kids at my door (Darren, Big Dave) Real class!
so I sit tight and them I ignore
They pelt me with eggs
Shall I break their legs?
Then trick them to treats off the floor. .. heh heh
A good thing to say to a ghost
might be: "Hi - can you please pass the toast?"
A breakfasttime spectre
is a good dust collector
But reality comes with the post.
There is a huge flare on its way
Perhaps I could try that again?
There is a huge flare on its way
Well, the Sixties are back, so they say
it won't be so bright
If my trousers aren't right
Floral hipsters are just so passé!
I've just heard that Jon Snow's in the dock
for failing to adhere to the clock
like a well-dispatched fly
kept zipped, bye and bye
just listening to the tickity tock.
The problem with video games
Is they've got such ridiculous names
The Sims and the Lemmings
There's even Ian Flemming's
"Bond's Name Is No Longer James"
The trouble with very long bridges
Is they have lots of rust in long ridges
That's the problem with steel
Provided it's real
It attracts lots of magnetic midges
It'll soon be the Fifth of November
With fireworks and parkin, remember?
The Gunpowder Plot
Bonfires, hot
And annoying small brats, to dismember I'm not old and bitter, me..
The sixth of November will bring
The first signs of Global Warming
Unseas'nable weather
Cuckoos in't heather
And tides in the main street of Tring
just for Blob's benefit
The thing with the liner Aurora
Is it keeps getting smaller and smaller dodgy, but...
'Til it's just a mere speck.
but the people on deck
's arses are still getting sorer
In Paris, one might say it's chic
To be battre avec le 'ugly stick'
In the Rue de Montmartre
You can see Jean-Paul Sartre
Searching the ground for du fric
There was a young man from Nantucket
Who lived all his life in a bucket
To the end of his days
his oddly strange ways
were why passersby always struck it.
When invited to dine with the Queen,
Prince Phillip created a scene
He swore and he cussed
But Her Maj was non-plussed
by the way his nose glowed tangerine.
On a bath day, when losing the soap,
Is the best time for having a grope
For an innocent fumble
Is no cause to grumble
Just make sure the soap's on a rope!
Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap
He's been given a terrible rap
He just wanted to say
'Being Catholic's okay'
'Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap'
Tchaikovski found fortune and fame
By playing a tedious game
He used to subscribe [Projoy] Last line above - awesome!
To a Balinese tribe
Who never could quite spell his last name
In the middle of singing a tune
That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon
For her grasp of tonality
and vocal neutrality
Were nil. Ought to try the bassoon. On second thoughts...
*applauds* Whilst staying just south of Milan
I began to dance a "can-can"
- except that I can't
'cause my recent implant
Is still sore (But at last I'm a man!)
In the middle of making a toast
To my flatulent ill-mannered host - [st d] superb!
I felt a deep rumble
my bowel, it did grumble
And then my gas gave up the ghost.
Mr Howard is now Tory Leader
Another smug and fawning bleeder
It seems they can't win
It makes Kennedy grin
That damn little Scot ginger weed - er
I would like to point out at this time I have nothing against Scots, ginger people or indeed the Lib Dems.
It's goodbye to Iain Duncan-Smith
We will all shed a tear and a sniff (sorry)
who returns to the darkness forthwith.
BUGGER - SIMULPOST. How did that happen?
(Bifurcating then...)
He was Labour's best hope / He was banished by Howard
Now it's gone up in smoke/The backstabbing coward
And he's now been replaced by a twit-h
Many terrible deeds at the palace
none commited, however, by Alice
All we know is - a writ
We'll know more in a bit ...
But I bet it involves a royal phallus
Last night I dreamt I was walking
Surrey streets in a town known as Dorking
And when I awoke (Ken T) I see you've got here at last. :-)
I was really in Stoke
Being arrested for illegal stalking. [plump] Actually a servant's, according to what I hear... you didn't get it from me though...
If you want to develop your pecs
Take a hint from good old T-Rex
Just strum your guitar
and don't wear a bra
And engage dear Prince ********** in sex sorry if I lowered the tone at all...
How do you get a line in here?
Like this.
In the middle of sueing for slander
(for they spoke out with far too much candour)
We stopped for a dance [barbacoa] <hr> - I remember it as short for "horizontal rule"
Just on the off chance
A Cha-Cha with Chi-Chi the panda
There's an injunction on part of this verse
For the censored censored, it gets worse!
The Guardian's screaming
The lawyers are beaming
And every report must be terse.
For those who are feeling the cold
Remember it stifles the mold.
So get on with living
Be loving and giving
And let those warm feelings unfold. aaah
In the middle of drinking some tea,
I thought "this will make me pee". Old men and their bladders :-(
What if I don't get up? ohdearohdearohdear
Or I drench the new pup? yelp!
A dilemma I'm sure you'll agree
If you curtsey again I shall scream
I can see your knickers, they're green
At least, I think they're your pants
Inside, I feel ants
gnawing away at my spleen. What a compendium of non-sequiturs, mine included. I feel we can do better. :-)
From Hackney to Bromley-by-Bow
And the meadows of old Pimlico Already I'm liking the poetry of this one ....
The byways we tread
As we breathe in the lead
And eastward t'wards Dagenham we go. Hit me with your rhythm stick!
Kew Gardens; the height of the fall
Has tourists who just have the gall
To drop all their wrappers
Then run like the clappers oblig
and leg-it over the wall
It's rumoured that Hampton Court Palace in keeping
Was the setting for BBC's 'Dallas'
And that really, JR
Was Kath-ar-ine Parr
Dressed-up and sporting a phalus.
Meanwhile, back in Kalamazoo
Michigan State's playing host to The Who
They've already smashed
Guitars and they've trashed
all the hotels they've stayed in too
George Bush isn't bright it is true
But I don't think it matters, do you?
He's just one of the guys.
Although he denies
The attack on Iraq was a coup
From Kalamazoo to East Lansing
"Who" fans blocked the streets up with dancing.
But things went awry
When a pineapple pie
Hit the vocalist, who now just can't sing.
thanks!
On a day out with Danny La Rue
I found half a didgeridoo
Its twang was almighty
- It was heard back in Blighty -
and Danny dived into the loohighly unlikely, anyway it's a dunny down under, or so us poms are led to believe. Here endeth the lesson.
Lusaka, Kinshasa, Harare
St Fagans, Blaenavon and Barry
Kilmarnock and Fife
Looe and St Ive
And Kenya (Whilst lost on Safari).
They say I'm a much-travelled man
And it's true - I've spent time in Japan
and also on Mars
(But mostly in bars)
Where I filled up my green petrol can.
Is it true to say green eggs and ham unfi...
Are unfit for consumption by man ?
With a fox, in a box
and cream cheese and lox
They're still better for you than spam.
At last I have ultimate power! Muahahahaha!
Before you all people shall cower! (echoes laugh)
The formula's mine
For the fog on the Tyne
And the alpine fresh scent in your shower! It doesn't come much more potent than that.
Syntactical rules are not made (sentence alert unfinished)
Syntactical rules are not made
to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade
But to help make some sense
(and not cause offence)
Of all the preceding tyrade
My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught
With the pedantry that I was taught
By a teacher at school
(the silly old fool)
His lessons weren't not what they ought.
Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme
So many to try, but no time!
So here I will just unfinished...
Make do with a lust
For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.
As Yoda declared once to me,
'Confused by this all will you be'
Well, he was right
for I sat up all night
I can't choose! With the plotline for Episode Three / How the hell did he beat Christ'pher Lee? / With a Grammar book, pencils and tea
Whilst inhaling a pinch of good snuff
I was tempted to say, to Frank Bough
"Try this for size" [Dazed] Ah - so that's how they pronounce Buff in Brum :-) ]
"It'll bug out your eyes"
But I sensed that he'd had quite enough.
While cruising to tropical climes
To escape prosecution for crimes
I happened to meet
A cop on the beat
Who said "Sunshine, you're nicked, you'll do time!"
My cell is just six feet by ten
And I share it with 26 men
My left knee is wedged
between something alleged unf...
(sorry! for grammar:) behind something alleged
to be bigger than that owned by Sven.
If sleep were a treat, not a right,
I think I'd still do it all night
I'd stay in my pit
Until I saw fit
To get up [or just needed a shite] thangyew thangyew
I wish I did not oversleep
But when my alarm clock goes "beep"
The temptation's too great
And I must masturbate
arrow_circle_down
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