"And this week, can a team of former future Prime Ministers build a viable opposition government from nothing but a stack of dead wood?"

Composer of the Week

"This weeks featured composer is Rolf Harris. Rolf's contribution to the popularity of the Stylophone..."

Teletubbies

"one day, in teletubby land, Tinky Winky was off his face, while Laa Laa and Dipsy went twos on his crack pipe."

sorry, I thought I checked that out.........

The Simpsons

"We now regard this programme as a disaster of Homeric proportions".

A book at bedtime

"And now, show jumping from Hickstead."

Desert island disks

"This week's guest is Jade Goody."

The Eurovision Song Contest

"Representing the UK, we have Jade Goody."

BBC Learning Zone

"...presented this week by Jade Goody"

How Clean Is Your House?

"...presented by Jade Goody nude."

The Proms

"...to commemorate D-Day, soloist, Jade Goody with The White Cliffs of Dover."

No Going Back

As it happens I did buy a return ticket.

Steptoe and Son

"I'm having an, erm, operation next week. From now on I'd like to be known as Ethel - I hope you don't mind, Dad..."

Top Gear

"and this week we'll be putting the new Lotus head to head against the 'acme 6 volt battery scooter', more fun..... than a box of monkeys"

"Who the hell let the tarantulas out?"

Bill And Ben

"This week on Ground Force, we're going to remodel a rather unusual garden..."

Bob the Builder

"Now, wherever have Bob and Wendy got to?"

Jonathan Creek

"This week, Maddy and Jonathan apply their talents to what is still an unsolved mystery."

Bargain Hunt

"This week, I'm going to be auctioning off these genuine 24 carat gold chips that I've just found in my pocket..."

Starsky And Hutch

"Dude, where's my car?"

Strictly Come Dancing

"Move your foot to the left, not the right. *thwack* How many times do I have to say this? *thwack* I don't want to have to punish you again, Bruce."

Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie

"I told you how dangerous Ecky Thump was!"

Rentaghost

"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Claypole."

One Foot in the Grave

"Where's the rest of Victor gone?" coat...

Mr Bean

"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Bean."

Call My Bluff

So what are or is a Celebrity.

Womans Hour

So what exactly do you mean by Post-Op Nadia?

Blue Peter

Hello Mr Stringfellow!

Most Haunted

"why, it was the old caretaker!" "yes, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling TV sorts"

Will and Grace

For the inheritance we are about to recieve may the Lord make us truely thankful.

Party Election Broadcast

"Oi, mate, where's the bloody party? Putting a tick on this bit of paper ain't my idea of a good time. Put some music on and give us a drink."

Football Focus

"Bugger it, I just sat on my specs!"

Gardeners' World

"And this week, we look at the ideal way for busy city folk to manage a garden: pave the whole thing over."

Farming Today

"...sponsored by Monsanto."

Robot Wars

Now I look down the harbor. All manner of boats, overloaded with fleeing population, pulling out from docks.

Streets are all jammed. Noise in crowds like New Year's Eve in city. Wait a minute... The... the enemy is now in sight above the Palisades. Five — five great machines. First one is crossing the river. I can see it from here, wading... wading the Hudson like a man wading through a brook...

Now the first machine reaches the shore. He stands watching, looking over the city. His steel, cowlish head is even with the skyscrapers. He waits for the others. They rise like a line of new towers on the city's west side...

Now they're lifting their metal hands. This is the end now. Smoke comes out... black smoke, drifting over the city. People in the streets see it now. They're running towards the East River... thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

Now the smoke's spreading faster. It's reached Times Square. People are trying to run away from it, but it's no use. They're falling like flies.

Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue... Fifth Avenue... a... a hundred yards away... it's fifty feet...


The West Wing

Duck, here comes Bush and Condalisa.

Z-Cars

We've had to give it a mersey killing.

Monty Python's Flying Circus. All right, sacrilege. Do your worst.

s'tI

Spooks

"Who you gonna call?"

The Royle Family

"You know, Jim, you could get a job doing adverts for British Gas."

The Vicar of Dibley

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!"

Big Brother

"This season's participants are a crack dealer, a child prostitute, a military interrogator, an Enron executive, a captured suicide bomber, a Grey alien, an escapee from a high-security psychiatric prison, and a few brain-damaged drug addicts. And one of them is a serial killer! Guess which one as the body count rises week by week!"

Through The Night (which may not be well known to many readers: it runs on Radio 3 from sometime after midnight)

"Good Morning"

The Good Life

"Good gracious, Tom! Whatever are you doing with those potatoes?" "Human manure, Barbara!"

The Young Ones

"Hey! Rick! Come and have a go on this quad bike!"

Dead Ringers

"I thought that for the forthcoming season, we might draw more heavily upon the works of Marcel Marceau for our inspiration, what do you think, Culshaw?"

2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Certainly, Sir. Coming up immediately.

Heartbeat

da-dup, da-dup......da-dup...............beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.........

Alias

Sydney: "I'm sorry Vaughn, Arvin and I are deeply in love" - You can tell I watch it :)

Tru Calling

"Oops, sorry, wrong number. I was trying to get Derek Acorah"

Thomas the Tank Engine

"And what can we do for you, Dr Beeching?"

Working Lunch

"Stuff it - let's go down the pub!"

Liquid News

"Help! I'm drowning!"

Stardate: The Transit of Venus

"...with your host for tonight's Celestial Spectacular, Stevie Wonder."

Will & Grace

"We're getting married and moving to Kansas."

From Our Own Correspondent

- "No, nothing to declare.... Yes, yes that's me in the passport photo, admittedly the picture was taken a few years ago and I didn't have the beard then... No, I haven't any previous convictions for anything of the kind, I told you - I'm here on behalf of the Beeb, doing a report on your government's Human Rights record. These guys are my technicians, yes, all my papers are in order... What? ... No, I don't see why you need to open the case, but if it'll keep you happy I - wait, why is he putting on those gloves? Hey now, just a minute! Hey, get your filthy hands off of - Get off! Help! Help! Call the British Embassy before they stick their hands up my -" [Transmission Ends]

-"The Late Jeremy Bowen there, with a report on the situation in Zimbabwe, which he recorded earlier today."

They Think It's All Over - Just too easy, isn't it?

"Urgh, I think you've got it all over me."

The Heaven and Earth Show

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

The Clangers

"Unfortunately the soup-dragon developed a taste for Clanger soup."

Quote unquote

It sounds like it should be Wilde, but surely it is Desperate Dan after digging into his third Cow-pie.

The Ascent of Man

Well, I'm here.

Tellytubbies

"And how many calories is in that, Po?"

Newsround

"Nothing new happening here!" A Prarie Home Companion (yes, I know, it's American, but it is Public Radio)

"I've found love on the internet. He's an account, works in New York, so I've decided to move to the Big Apple, leave the wide open country and settle down in a city apartment on the edge of Manhatten. Goodbye, I'll write you." Star in their Eyes

Oops. Should've been on a lower line, like this:

Stars in their Eyes

"Tonight, I'm going to be Fred West."

Last of the Summer Wine