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50 Ways To....
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This was Kevan's idea (see MCiOS chat room). It's based on the song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" ("You just slip out the back, Jack; Make a new plan, Stan....") Well, there have to be 50 ways to do other tasks, right? So, off we jolly well go, Joe!
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50 Ways To Fail A Job Interview

1. Light a cigarette, Bette.

2. Pick yer nose and flick, Mick.
Smell your own fart, Bart.And set yourself free.
3 Say you're an alcoholic, Rick.
Wear a daft hat, pat. [Kim] I've just seen yours: very good!
5.Wee in the hand basin, Jason.
6. Offer 'em sex, Rex.
7. Get out your cock, Jock.
8.Slap 'em in the face, Eustace. And get yourself free. visual rhyme declared
9. Offer them a bribe, Clive.
10. Look deeply bored, Maud
11. Tell them they're fools, Jules
12. Dance around in the nude, Jude.
13Whip out your knob, Bob.
14. Admit you wet the bed, Fred.
15. Ensure your handshake is clammy, Tammy.
16. Fall asleep halfway through, Lou.
17. Interview them, Jem.
18. And do condescend, friend.
19. Don't rock the ship, Pip.
20. Handwrite your vita, Rita.
21Have a w*nk Frank
22.Tell 'em you shagged their mom, Tom. Americanisation invoked.
23. Ask about the sick pay, Jay
24. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, Steve.
25Turn up a day late, Kate.

26 Take a mobile 'phone call, Paul

27 Have spinach in your teeth, Keith.

28 Soil your pants, Hans Sorry, only just discovered this excellent game.

29. Feign a nervous twitch, Rich.
30. Mention that your chief leisure interest is fellatio, Horatio.
31. Dress as a pike, Mike.

32. Play with your gender, Brenda.

33. Tell them that you like playing online games, James.
34. Keep shouting "Wibble" and starting to dribble, Sybil
35. Wear a fluorescent shirt, Bert.
36. Dress as Peter Pan, Dan.
37. Pretend that you're Italian, Ian.
38. Speak in Klingon, Don.
39. Just use your axe, Max.
40. Stun them with a totally irrelevant query, Desiree.

41. Wriggle on the chair and complain about your Chalfonts, Alphonse.

42. Insist loudly and repeatedly that you have irrefutable proof that the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything is forty two, Stu.
43. Fake your CV, Evie. [Rosie - No 41 haha!]
44. Tap your feet to an unknown beat,Pete.
45. Show 'em your operation scars, Lars
46. Wear a skirt, Kurt.
47. Quote George Carlin, Marlon.
48. Tell them you used to work for Citroen and show them your CV, Diane. (bending the rules a bit)
49. Conclude by informing them that the job has your name written all over it and they needn't bother interviewing any other applicants, Lance.
50. Stride over, kiss the interviewers on both cheeks and ask when you can start, Art.
Fifty Ways to Improve Your House Without Calling In The Experts
1. Don't use it to bury your dead, Fred.
2. Decorate to elicit abhorrence, Lawrence.
3. Paint the grass contrasting mauves, Jove.
4. Plant an indoor hedge, Reg.
5. Knock down a weight-bearing wall, Paul.
6. Use reflective glass in your window, Glenda.
1. Wallpaper the tiles, Miles.
7.Splatter paint tea bags at the ceiling, Rose.
1..2...3....4.....5......6.......7.......Oh, I know this, I know this, don't rush me...no its gone
er 9?Upgrade to mixer taps, Babs.
10. Get the mix (and numbers) right, Dwight.
11? Declare UDI, Si, and set yourself free
12. Use rockwool to insulate the loft, Lara Croft
13 Install a new patio, Super Mario.
14. Install Venetian blinds, Heinz.
15. Clean out the cellar, Arabella
16. Add a few aisles, Charles.
17. Convert it into a tip, Pip.
18. Cover everything in throws, Rose.
19. When buyers call, fill the place with the aroma of fresh coffee, Boffy?
20. Dump all clutter, like that extraneous question mark, Mark.
21.Play charades, LeStrade.
22. Deck the terrace with a liana, Indiana.
23. Add some architrave, Dave.
24 Convert your loft so it's Catholic, Patrick.
25. Wipe the door, Handel.
Add a conservatory, Rory.
I said 26, I did, really!
27. Make sure your house has the correct numberin', Kim.
28 Change the house number from an odd to an even, Steven
29 Put up a dado; Dido
30. Render the wall, Paul
31. Repaint your table, Mable.
32. Have a lean-to like a tutu, Tito.
33. Study Feng Shui, Louie.
34. Take exams in Feng Shui, Fay. alternate pronunciation invoked
Breadmaster 35 Don't use that ridiculous Feng Shui, Dee. other pronunciation inserted
Brighten your pine with felt pen, Ken.
37 Hoover the Rug, Doug
38. Hang a new chandelier, Néa.
Keep a pet shark Clarke!
Remove all the slate, mate       Sorry to be so familiar   :-(
Get rid of that Welsh Dresser, Vanessa.
Replace the flock, Jock.
That was 42.   Hrrmph!
Just to prove it    43. Rip out the ceil, Neil.
44. Build a jacuzzi, Susie.
45. Install a new pan, Jan.
46. Plumb the bidet, May.
47. Put up a shelf, Dolph.
48 Chuck out the chintz (!?), Vince
49. Rearrange the chair, Claire
50. Make the stair into a slide, Clyde
May I suggest another?
50 Ways To Start a Riot
1. Light a fire by the prison gate, Kate
2. Declare war, Thor.
3. Tell the Queen she's a has-been, Dean
4. Protest against tax, Max.
5. Let them eat cake, Jake.
6.Piss in someone's beer, Dear
7. Mention the footy, Sooty.
8. Insult someone's Mum, Friedrich. Can't be bothered rhyming. I'll make up for it next time...
Blame your farts on the judge, Tuj.
And that, guys'n'gals, was a new arrival in the charts at number 8.
I mean 9. It has been a long day.
10 Insult the police, Maurice. invoking non-British pronunciation
11.Refuse to pay for a loaf of bread, Fred.
12. Hurl lots of pasta, master. "inappropriate servitude" invoked
Murder Mr Tony Blair,Cher
14. Make someone's wife squeal at your sexual appeal, Neil. 3 for 2 invoked
15.Murder, cook and eat your own lodger, Roger.
16. Stop broadcasting any telly, Kelly.
17. Miss an open goal, Cole.
18. Break MC rules, Jules.    Careful, Chalky (see ZK's entry - No.7 above) ... :-)
praise the benefits of genocide, Clyde (not very nice!)
20. Say everyone's a crook, Luke.
[Dujon] *goes mad with a machine gun* ;) 21. Kill Justin Timberlake, Jake.(A way to incite mad and joyous riots variously against the differing markets and target groups, I suppose)
22 Get in someones face, Grace
Be a racist pig, Stig
24. Cheat playing chess, Bess.
25. Invade a country and steal their oil, Doyle.
Bomb Iraq, Jack!
Chase a kid on his bike, Spike
28. Don't kill Justin Timberlake, Jake. Had to be done for a balanced view
29. Flash your tit, Janet.
30.Try to crash a rave, Dave.
[Snodgrass - ooh topical!]
31. Eat all your housemates stew, Lou.
32 Step on someones toe, Joe [Snorgle - How kind of you to notice]
33. Qu'ils mangent de la brioche, Josh.
34. Allow a blatantly offside goal, Joel. (Kim) Class!
35. Raise income tax by a pony, Tony.
36. Adopt a bold font for your stance, Lance.
37. Over-use Bad HTML, Mel.
38. Torch a few cars, Lars [Kim] Very nice...
39 Throw a molotov cocktail, Abigail.
40. Hit a PC with a brick, Rick.
42. Start the looting, Putin
43. Keep disputin', Rasputin.
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