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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
It's only a matter of time before the Americans notice them.
Bad News
The Americans aren't the most efficient and they'll probably take out Briain on the way in.
Good News
They've only taken out the T but then they have a history of that.
Bad News
They're going after Brian next.
Good News
Brian is probably marginally safer than he would be if he were fighting on the Americans' side. Oooh! controversial political satire!
Bad News
Not if Mel Gibson has anything to do with it.
Good News
At least a decent British actor will play the baddie.
Bad News
British actors *always* play the baddie.
Good News
The baddie is the best role by far!
Bad News
Every decent British actor who has ever been cast as a baddie has emigrated.
Good News
There's always Brian Blessed...
Bad News
There will always be Brian Blessed!
Good News
He's about to emigrate.
Bad News
...taking you with him.
Good News
First class all the way
Bad News
You are flying by Bashkirian Airlines
Good News
Their first class is quite good, actually.
Bad News
You're only saying that to be polite to them.
Good News
They dont understand a word of what you've been saying.
Bad News
The captain also doesn't understand a word Air Traffic Control have been saying.
Good News
The captain does understand the letters and numbers, which is enough for him to avoid crashing into any other aircraft.
Bad News
...but not sand dunes isolated in the middle of the Saharan Desert.
Good News
But he's so lost he couldn't even find the Sahara
Bad News
He's found Birmingham city centre.
Good News
So has the SAS! They're here to arrest the air crew and Brian Blessed on terrorism charges!
Bad News
You're going with them, and because you've been designated an enemy combatant you won't have access to a lawyer, the right to trial, or even knowledge of what you are accused of while you languish in prison for an unspecified number of years.
Good News
They have a draughts set in the prison, and your are a world champion draughts (checkers)player!
Bad News
No one will play against you
Good News
It's a singles draughts championship
Bad News
None of the women going to this singles championship want a date with you.
Good News
One of the men does
Bad News
He's too butch. (Did I say that out loud? Hide me!)
Good News
You beat him at draughts, softening him up.
Bad News
He wants to play a new game involving a cucumber, axle grease and a tin of Spam!
Good News
You have the option of saying "no."
Bad News
Caryl Chessman will be the adjudicator.
Good News
They get on so well they decide to play the game together instead, and you can leave them to it.
Bad News
You've got nothing else to do all day now no-one'll play you at draughts, so you end up watching.
Good News
The Governor, a well known Manchester City supporter has decided to throw a party for all the inmates.
Bad News
Most of them support Man U, as might be expected.
Good News
That means you're the governor's favourite.
Bad News
Being the Gov's favourite means that you will get beaten up every day in the toilet block and only get the burnt bits in the dining hall.
Good News
You actually quite like the burnt bits.
Bad Nose
Zat iz all ou are gettong, frome noo oon!
Good News
At least you don't support Ipswich Town. Not a common affliction, but a painful one
Bad News
You support Wimbledon. A very uncommon affliction indeed. Actually I support Chelsea and have done so for 48 years. Never taken themselves too seriously, I'm glad to say; winning something would be rather vulgar, I feel. :-)
Good News
But at least they've moved to Milton Keynes so there is no way you will accidentally wander into the ground on match days. C'mon U R's - Super Hoops!
Bad News
Owing to the limited space in Milton Keynes, Wimbledon is going to merge with the Open University.
Good News
The chanting from the stands is now grammatically correct
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