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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
The sheer tenuousness of the story means that we've forgotten it, and we can now place ourselves wherever we like - say, as president of the United States.
Bad News
If so, you'll have your arse licked by Tony Blair.
Good News
Of the 640 coalition deaths in Iraq only 545 are Americans.
Bad News
95 of them weren't
Good News
The 95 that weren't were *caused* by Americans
Bad News
That *was* the Bad News
Good News
'Good News' and 'Bad News' are now indistinguishable, meaning that newsreaders need no longer practise 'good news' and 'bad news' facial expressions and the ban on botox treatments and collagen lip-implants for newsreaders is lifted.
Bad News
Everything that newsreaders say is still utter guff.
Good News
To gain more viewers the news is to be made more entertaining.
Bad News
Regrettably there turns out to be a greater number of wars than rescued kittens.
Good news
A lot of the kittens rescued are from war torn areas!
Bad News
Those kittens are all cleverly disguised bombs
Good News
Kittens can be deployed in 45 minutes and are considered as WMD. (They are in my house anyway).
Bad News
Hans Blix can't find his kitten.
Good News
But the rumour is that he has a Tiger in his tank (pun intended!)
Bad News
It's a real tiger
Good News
But it's tanked on watermelon-flavoured alco-pops, and can only manage a rumbling 'hic-purrrrrrrrr-hic-purrrrrrrr' as it staggers about.
Bad News
This is no good for running Hans' car.
Good News
It is listed as a driver on his insurance
Bad News
He'll probably be losing his no claims bonus.
Good News
No one has ever stopped his tank to ask for proof of insurance
Bad News
Parked on double yellow lines its just been clamped.
Good News
He's reached the age when it's good to take things a little slowly.
Bad News
He's chosen not to
Good News
He intends to succeed Michael Schumacher as Formula One World Champion when he retires.
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