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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Bad News
You live in Llandudno
Good News
And so does Mrs Trellis, who reliably informs me that there is a thriving drugs scene in these ultra-respectable Welsh versions of the Costa Geriatrica.
Bad News
Unfortunately, you get swindled when you try to buy some E and then realise the old biddy actually sold you enalapril, an anti-hypertensive.
Good News
You crush it up and snort the lot and experience a massive wave of relief and joy as the tension oozes out of every pore.
Bad news
But then you collapse on the floor due to a massive hypotensive effect.
Good News
Lib is there watching you and rushes in to help with her trusty stethoscope !
Bad News
The floor is weakened by the rush of activity and opens up, you both fall, head first, deep down into the underworld.
Good News
It's remarkably similar to London, so you already know your way around.
Bad News
But the sulphurous fumes coupled with the fact that all the transport runs efficiently and on time, leaves you significantly disorientated.
Good News
You realise, after a while, that you are in Dnepopetrovsk, and vodka is very, very cheap.
Bad News
Vodka makes you come out in spots. All over.
Good News
Hot mud packs make one look much younger than one actually is and, as an added benefit, cure acne, red-eye and gout.
Bad News
But tastes bloody awful in vodka
Good News
The vodka company give you a lifetime's supply to compensate.
With that quantity of bad vodka, your lifetime is likely to be very short.
Er... that was me :-Q
Good News
Its Hot Mud that you have been given a lifetime's supply of.
Bad News
You haven't got much lifetime left.
Good News
Your place in Heaven has been assured.
Bad News
Through a clerical error, you are sent to spend eternity haunting Lancashire instead.
Good News
That's where the cleric who made the error lives.
Bad News
You have just realised that the clerical error means that you are now haunting Lancashire, when in fact the true depth of the error is that you never actually died yet.
Good News
That is not rigor mortis, its just a very serious hangover.
Bad News
You've actually been drinking methylated spirits.
Good News
It has cured you of your terrible haliotosis and sorted out your gum disease a treat.
Bad News
You now have 2 bellybuttons.
Good News
Your twin navels are a novel place to put those new earrings.
Bad News
Those earrings are miniature Teletubbies.
Good News
They're dead.
Bad News
Po is starting to get a bit whiffy.
Good News
Its attracting a vast amount of flies of varied species for your new insect collection!
Bad News
It makes people mistake you for Beelzebub.
Good News
Which is just as well because you are about to launch a devilish plan ...
Bad News
Michael Howard has beaten you to it.
Good News
You won't have to lead the Tory party after all....
Bad News
...because you'll be busy leading Labour...
Good News
Which is a good reason to move to and live in Canada...
Bad News
Canada is uncomfortably near the USA.
Good News
You love the USA !!
Bad News
You have to say that, the US Army has just abducted you to Guantanamo Bay.
Good News
The beaches there are marvellous.
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