You can hear an ominous ticking from this crocodile.

Maybe it's just a harmless clockodile.

Yeah, but that's brown trousers time if you're a pirate.

That's more than offset by the fact that you get to say things like "Arrrr! Splice the mizzen! Avast behind! Arrrrr!" etc.

But only once a year.

At Chrismas time, on a big stage, with lots of B status type celebs, from crap soaps and you get paid to do it!!!

There are numerous category D type celebs present too, including Ainsley Harriot (to whom you owe a sexual favour), plus you are getting paid in pigs trotters, which are no longer legal tender in your tent.

At least you don't owe sexual favours to Anthony Worrel Thompson or Keith Floyd

But unfortunately they owe you.

Their `debt' can be exchanged for points, and what do points mean?

The loss of my driving licence.....sigh!!

You ghe chance to get lots of healthy walking exercise, during which you can reflect edifyingly on the transgressions which led you to this sorry pass.

As you stumlbe across the sodden Heath you realise that these boots weren't made for walking.