... fiddled with his Knitting Nancy. Behaving in a lewd manner in order to escape death row was going to be a doddle, so I wandered off in search of ....
...dance around their houses, wearing only my woolly underwear. Most of them found this enjoyable, but one lord took exception to my large, twirling...
... chutney stirrup, saying it lacked lewdness. The ridiculous death sentence hung over me like the Sword of Damocles which, although stressful, gave me inspiration for my next ....
..venture which was to obtain false identification and passports and escape the country. It was at this point that I rued the day I had set foot in the time-machine telephone box which had brought me back to this era. Undaunted, I opened a copy of Exchange and Mart and under the heading "False Identities and Documentation" found a telephone number. I searched around furtively for a telephone....
...engineer who could explain to me exactly how to use the silly thing! I've never got the hang of telephones: I usually manage to press the buttons without too much difficulty, but as soon as I lift the receiver, I forget to...
...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...
...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...
...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...
...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...
...corpse of the real Berthold Brecht, whose coffin had been removed from Europe and interred in Britain years ago as part of a secret plot on the part of the...
...International Federation of Delicatessen Entomology (FIDE), who wished to obtain the secrets of his Hazelnut and Ladybird Chutney, and had stolen his coffin under the guise of chess grandmasters. Forced to swap my disguise of Brecht for that of...
... neat privet hedge, I successfully avoided detection and marched straight into the nearest toyshop to buy the new edition of 'Tabletop Twister' for Samantha, thus improving her chances of ...
..the wrapping paper department where I selected a nice silver paper with reindeer and holly. Then I realized that her birthday is in the summer, but I was too late as the paper department had closed. "More than my job's worth, ducks." said the manager. Now what...
...opening this tin of stirrup chutney boot polish, with the contents of which I shall cleverly disguise myself as a Victorian chimney-sweep, avoid capture and seek gainful employment in Melbourne. That reminds me: did I ever tell you about the time that I grabbed David Hockney by the......
...the the myriad of Christmas lights in the Cherry tree, I would have surely landed on their flasing Father Christmas. When I was back on the ground the householder introduced themselves as...
...Count Dracula, who immediately launched a lawsuit against him for stealing his idea. I never heard of the outcome; I supposed that they had settled out of court, but this was all inconsequential as I....
..Sadam Hussein on his way back to his bolt hole. "Hello," he said, "I am the president of Iraq, I am prepared to negotiate." I thought he looked a very nice man, although his beard was full of faeces and his breath smelt like a camel's. I stood on his shoulders and just able to reach a...
..ladder to the surface, I realised there were a cluster of American gentlemen above me, brandishing weapons. Realising that publicly humiliating the American military, though not difficult, would earn me instant worldwide fame, I naturally told them I was Saddam, to which they...
...replied "we gotcha now' and hauled me up and into custody. They strapped a false beard on me and took ever so many photos, then flung me into a cell. It wasn't long before the door opened to reveal that nice Mr Bush holding several coats of mink, ermine and stoat fur. He forced me to wear them all in turn muttering something about a fur trial, then...
...said he didn't care what punishment I got, provided that he could dance on my grave. He then abruptly excused himself, saying he had to return to Camp David and...
..Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, as I thought that he too should be locked up. What he can't do with a few square metres of MDF is not worth considering. However, as I pondered changing rooms, i suddenly had...
...always inspires me to making chutney out of obscure ingredients, which is why the doctor recommends that I never repeat my visit. Meanwhile, back in the cell, I noticed that in one corner of the room was...
...a small, grey, boggled-eyed creature wearing nothing but a ragged pillowcase. I asked it what it was - "Vladimir Putin, Mrs Trellis, come with a terrible warning", it said. I interrupted it to insist adamantly and boygeorgely that I was not Mrs Trellis, however no sooner had I done so than...
..the cell door flew back and the highly recognizable outline of the Grim Reaper stood, surrounded by the usual swirling smoke effect. He took one pace forward and reached out with his grizzly hand and...
...a warren of rabbits, who appeared to be having a tea party (or maybe it was a sex orgy),in any case, they were quite agitated by my arrival until I told them...
....that I was their God of food in human form the awesome Dock Leaf, I asked them the way up to the surface to which they replied as one "What's up Dock?", I could see I was getting nowhere fast which is odd because.....
...I hadn't thought that rabbits had a written language let alone the wherewithal to name their tunnels. As I found myself having been led down the 'Nowhere' tunnel, I was unable to...
...a doorway in front of which was a giant, slavering rabbit with bloodshot eyes. It seemed to be sleeping, but as I approached it's eyes shot open and stared at me! Then it said...
..."Pardon me. Do you have vodka? I need the hare of the dog, I do." I found what he said rather amusing, but was only just containing my chuckles when...
..a rather nasty dog with a bottle of vodka strapped to it's back appeared through a door opened by a hare appeared. It was growling and frothing at the mouth so I ....
...fed it the hare and the giant, slavering rabbit, which solved that problem. Going through the doorway past the now rather sleepy dog I found myself...
...tickling its testicles with the turnups of my trousers a favour that it returned with interest forcing me kick the rather nasty Pekinese out of the door I had entered through and slam it smartly behind me, turning round I noticed....
...that I was back in my prison cell. What kind of mad, twisted world was this? I turned at once and headed back down the tunnel I had dug earlier, before the guards woke up and saw me in my panicked state. This time I took the mobile phone accessory with me, and began to dig a different path halfway down my original tunnel, finally scraping away the last pieces of earth between me and freedom, to discover that...
ordered the turkey. Well, it's a stroppy bastard and frightens the cat so I hit it with a club hammer, which sorted it, but it was that kind of thing that got me put away in the first place, so maybe my newly-acquired freedom is not . . .
..locked the vicar in the ladies loo and then posted the key to Father Christmas C/O The North Pole. It was only meant to be a joke, but when we turned up to the church for midnight masss, nobody realized he was missing because the verger go stuck in the pulpit. Everybody heaved and pulled but he would not budge. Eventually, we decided to leave him there reasoning that a few days starvation would solve the problem. We all retired to the Dog and Platypus where the landlord had a lock-in and started on the....
...as we found that the pork scratchings seemed to have been dipped in some form of hallucinogenic drug. The original cast of 'Grease' then turned up and turned on the jukebox, which began blaring out...
I am the very model of a modern major general. Naturally I was surprised, after all it's not that often that Gilbert an Sullivan gets performed by the cast of 'Grease'! They started us on the slippery slope so..........
....before long we were 'holding ourselves like this and that' until the landlord's wife came home and rang the police. They came in stealing upon us with catlike tread, either that or we were too off our faces to notice them. Either way, I soon found myself back inside, but luckily this time...
...Palm Pilot. In checking my calendar I discovered to my horror that I'd missed the annual office Christmas party. But maybe it was for the best. It usually winds up being...
a large wicked beast that on closer inspection is found to be impartialy formed in such a way that each side is both the same only seperatly different together apart from each other so that......
.....it is impossible to tell whether it is coming or going. Such was the shock at the appearance of the beast that I barely had time to get out my cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when....
...Dr Who's Tardis materialised in one corner of the cell. Out stepped the Director General of the BBC, dressed as the White Guardian (long cloak and silly hat)and he said "Mrs Trellis, you have been chosen to...
...be the new Doctor!" Well, I was flabbergasted, I can tell you! Me and Mr Trellis (may he rest in peace) met at a Dr Who convention, you know, and it has always been a dream of mine to...
... landed on K9, who promptly began chewing my fingers off. Having at last found his 'off' switch, I turned around to find that the robot dog seemed to have mated with a Cyberman (or possibly Cyberwoman) to produce...
...extended stay in the University of North Wales Medical School's asylum wing. Recognising it now as the insidious guise of a renegade Time Lord, I immediately...
misspelt. While I could have used the TARDIS to ripen it by taking it forward in time, I had more pressing business to attend to, particularly the large and malodorous...
...mushroom I had been carrying since this all began. I had kept it hidden through my adventures by stuffing it in my left armpit. However, now it was clear that...
... my ramblings have over-extended themselves and this letter should have been posted in time for Christmas. With that in mind, I will sign off with my very sincere hopes for your peace and prosperity in 2004, as well as a shiny new theme [as agreed at the beginning] for this game ......
somewhere or other. I forget the precise details but am certain there was a connection with expensive jewellery. It was difficult to ascertain, because all about was dark, and someone in a seat in front of me kept coughing, much to the chagrin of the other patrons, and a woman selling ice creams. I'd been in this place a few weeks earlier, and all those assembled were staring goggle-eyed at naked people making jam. A little before that, I recall seeing men in sunglasses punching each other in slow motion, and on another occasion, a swarthy looking fellow tried to steal an ocean-going vessel from an immortal pirate captain with skeletal features. The whole thing was most unnerving, and I fear for the safety of our children. Who are these bizarre people that visit us from far off lands; I've written to the home secretary insisting he hurry up with those ID cards. I've requested they send me one of Keanu Reeves, as I consider his courage in the face of his medical condition most hartwarming, and I'm so glad he's able to speak again and manouvre his wheelchair under his own steam. Nevertheless, I am perturbed by this 'Narnia'-like experience that I frequently encounter in my former Bingo Hall, where popcorn and chewy cola bottles are the staple diet of those poor unfortunates who would otherwise starve. My proposal, if anyone is of a mind to implement it, is this...
Keith Floyd, that famous rock guitarist who made those wonderful videos of marching hammers and singing frogs. Before he came along I never knew that West Ham fans were so disciplined, and I certainly never expected the French to be able to sing. However...
...here's the recipe for the muffins. Start with one medium-sized tuna, preferably dead. If not dead, see a vintage copy of Joy of Cooking for how to dispatch tuna. Anyway, halve the tuna and put the front half in a blender with some hot water and mix on high until...
...one of the few remaining decent sports in this country of ours, and all the more satisfying for the high levels of skill it requires. The first step of course is to hide behind a bush and make a noise like...
...a lettuce in distress. Elusive or nay, the pickle will undoubtedly become curious, and drop his or her guard, and that, dear reader, is when you must strike, and strike true. Now, most importantly...
...you will need a sharp cleaver or axe. I prefer to use an Acme Xtrasharp #43, honed like a razor and as light as a feather. Incidentally, they also make a superb nailfile, which is excellent for picking locks. Hold the axe in balance and take a....
...the wild pickle to blanch and then jump headlong into your creel or other ready container. Mind you, you must act swiftly while the pickle is still stunned by fright. Then take the pickle inside. Halve it, chop, and add to the tuna mixture. Be careful not to ...
focus too much on some random chuntey experience whilst withdrawing from Crack Cocaine and muse about the nets that strangle dolphins and your ex lovers. Embrace Christ and her...
seven dwarves, Dave, Dee, Dozey, Beaky, Mick and Titch. My, there appears to be one missing. I wonder where I left him (or her, to be politically correct)? Ah, yes! I remember, it was....
...me and some guys from school had a band and we tried real hard. Jimmy quit and Jody got married, I should have known we'd never get far. But when I look back now that summer seemed to last forever, and if I had the choice I'd always want to be there. Those were the best days of...
...simple fact that band members always get married, or fall in love, or, in any case, care about something else other than the band. But in '69 we were all recovering from the Chicago convention and many other life altering events. We had no hope that year and so when we thought about entertaining and recipes and such, we almost automatically turned to ...
..Mrs Beatons most excellent, if now somewhat arcane, cookery books. It is not well known but Mrs Beaton was actually my Grandmother's, friends, cousins nextdoor neighbour. They used to have such a laugh chatting over the fence. She once told us the story of how she first caught the pheasant that she used in her classic recipe Pheasant stuffed with chestnut and aubergine chutney . It was amazing to hear her laugh, it sounded like...
..was throttling a cat whilst being hacked to death by my wife. This was a harrowing experience, particularly when re-lived in the cold light of day - this was when I realised that...
*sighs* Ignore me! [rab] the website now seems to add your entries automatically when you "haven't seen the latest moves", when it used to give you the chance to change them! is there anything i can do about that?
..American films, where they are always portrayed as either superior beings or fawning snobs. Now where was I? Oh, yes, my dream. At least I think it was a dream, but I was floating gently just above a...