...the the myriad of Christmas lights in the Cherry tree, I would have surely landed on their flasing Father Christmas. When I was back on the ground the householder introduced themselves as...
...Count Dracula, who immediately launched a lawsuit against him for stealing his idea. I never heard of the outcome; I supposed that they had settled out of court, but this was all inconsequential as I....
..Sadam Hussein on his way back to his bolt hole. "Hello," he said, "I am the president of Iraq, I am prepared to negotiate." I thought he looked a very nice man, although his beard was full of faeces and his breath smelt like a camel's. I stood on his shoulders and just able to reach a...
..ladder to the surface, I realised there were a cluster of American gentlemen above me, brandishing weapons. Realising that publicly humiliating the American military, though not difficult, would earn me instant worldwide fame, I naturally told them I was Saddam, to which they...
...replied "we gotcha now' and hauled me up and into custody. They strapped a false beard on me and took ever so many photos, then flung me into a cell. It wasn't long before the door opened to reveal that nice Mr Bush holding several coats of mink, ermine and stoat fur. He forced me to wear them all in turn muttering something about a fur trial, then...
...said he didn't care what punishment I got, provided that he could dance on my grave. He then abruptly excused himself, saying he had to return to Camp David and...
..Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, as I thought that he too should be locked up. What he can't do with a few square metres of MDF is not worth considering. However, as I pondered changing rooms, i suddenly had...
...always inspires me to making chutney out of obscure ingredients, which is why the doctor recommends that I never repeat my visit. Meanwhile, back in the cell, I noticed that in one corner of the room was...
...a small, grey, boggled-eyed creature wearing nothing but a ragged pillowcase. I asked it what it was - "Vladimir Putin, Mrs Trellis, come with a terrible warning", it said. I interrupted it to insist adamantly and boygeorgely that I was not Mrs Trellis, however no sooner had I done so than...
..the cell door flew back and the highly recognizable outline of the Grim Reaper stood, surrounded by the usual swirling smoke effect. He took one pace forward and reached out with his grizzly hand and...
...a warren of rabbits, who appeared to be having a tea party (or maybe it was a sex orgy),in any case, they were quite agitated by my arrival until I told them...
....that I was their God of food in human form the awesome Dock Leaf, I asked them the way up to the surface to which they replied as one "What's up Dock?", I could see I was getting nowhere fast which is odd because.....
...I hadn't thought that rabbits had a written language let alone the wherewithal to name their tunnels. As I found myself having been led down the 'Nowhere' tunnel, I was unable to...
...a doorway in front of which was a giant, slavering rabbit with bloodshot eyes. It seemed to be sleeping, but as I approached it's eyes shot open and stared at me! Then it said...
..."Pardon me. Do you have vodka? I need the hare of the dog, I do." I found what he said rather amusing, but was only just containing my chuckles when...
..a rather nasty dog with a bottle of vodka strapped to it's back appeared through a door opened by a hare appeared. It was growling and frothing at the mouth so I ....
...fed it the hare and the giant, slavering rabbit, which solved that problem. Going through the doorway past the now rather sleepy dog I found myself...
...tickling its testicles with the turnups of my trousers a favour that it returned with interest forcing me kick the rather nasty Pekinese out of the door I had entered through and slam it smartly behind me, turning round I noticed....
...that I was back in my prison cell. What kind of mad, twisted world was this? I turned at once and headed back down the tunnel I had dug earlier, before the guards woke up and saw me in my panicked state. This time I took the mobile phone accessory with me, and began to dig a different path halfway down my original tunnel, finally scraping away the last pieces of earth between me and freedom, to discover that...
ordered the turkey. Well, it's a stroppy bastard and frightens the cat so I hit it with a club hammer, which sorted it, but it was that kind of thing that got me put away in the first place, so maybe my newly-acquired freedom is not . . .
..locked the vicar in the ladies loo and then posted the key to Father Christmas C/O The North Pole. It was only meant to be a joke, but when we turned up to the church for midnight masss, nobody realized he was missing because the verger go stuck in the pulpit. Everybody heaved and pulled but he would not budge. Eventually, we decided to leave him there reasoning that a few days starvation would solve the problem. We all retired to the Dog and Platypus where the landlord had a lock-in and started on the....
...as we found that the pork scratchings seemed to have been dipped in some form of hallucinogenic drug. The original cast of 'Grease' then turned up and turned on the jukebox, which began blaring out...
I am the very model of a modern major general. Naturally I was surprised, after all it's not that often that Gilbert an Sullivan gets performed by the cast of 'Grease'! They started us on the slippery slope so..........
....before long we were 'holding ourselves like this and that' until the landlord's wife came home and rang the police. They came in stealing upon us with catlike tread, either that or we were too off our faces to notice them. Either way, I soon found myself back inside, but luckily this time...
...Palm Pilot. In checking my calendar I discovered to my horror that I'd missed the annual office Christmas party. But maybe it was for the best. It usually winds up being...
a large wicked beast that on closer inspection is found to be impartialy formed in such a way that each side is both the same only seperatly different together apart from each other so that......
.....it is impossible to tell whether it is coming or going. Such was the shock at the appearance of the beast that I barely had time to get out my cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when....
...Dr Who's Tardis materialised in one corner of the cell. Out stepped the Director General of the BBC, dressed as the White Guardian (long cloak and silly hat)and he said "Mrs Trellis, you have been chosen to...
...be the new Doctor!" Well, I was flabbergasted, I can tell you! Me and Mr Trellis (may he rest in peace) met at a Dr Who convention, you know, and it has always been a dream of mine to...
... landed on K9, who promptly began chewing my fingers off. Having at last found his 'off' switch, I turned around to find that the robot dog seemed to have mated with a Cyberman (or possibly Cyberwoman) to produce...
...extended stay in the University of North Wales Medical School's asylum wing. Recognising it now as the insidious guise of a renegade Time Lord, I immediately...
misspelt. While I could have used the TARDIS to ripen it by taking it forward in time, I had more pressing business to attend to, particularly the large and malodorous...
...mushroom I had been carrying since this all began. I had kept it hidden through my adventures by stuffing it in my left armpit. However, now it was clear that...
... my ramblings have over-extended themselves and this letter should have been posted in time for Christmas. With that in mind, I will sign off with my very sincere hopes for your peace and prosperity in 2004, as well as a shiny new theme [as agreed at the beginning] for this game ......
somewhere or other. I forget the precise details but am certain there was a connection with expensive jewellery. It was difficult to ascertain, because all about was dark, and someone in a seat in front of me kept coughing, much to the chagrin of the other patrons, and a woman selling ice creams. I'd been in this place a few weeks earlier, and all those assembled were staring goggle-eyed at naked people making jam. A little before that, I recall seeing men in sunglasses punching each other in slow motion, and on another occasion, a swarthy looking fellow tried to steal an ocean-going vessel from an immortal pirate captain with skeletal features. The whole thing was most unnerving, and I fear for the safety of our children. Who are these bizarre people that visit us from far off lands; I've written to the home secretary insisting he hurry up with those ID cards. I've requested they send me one of Keanu Reeves, as I consider his courage in the face of his medical condition most hartwarming, and I'm so glad he's able to speak again and manouvre his wheelchair under his own steam. Nevertheless, I am perturbed by this 'Narnia'-like experience that I frequently encounter in my former Bingo Hall, where popcorn and chewy cola bottles are the staple diet of those poor unfortunates who would otherwise starve. My proposal, if anyone is of a mind to implement it, is this...
Keith Floyd, that famous rock guitarist who made those wonderful videos of marching hammers and singing frogs. Before he came along I never knew that West Ham fans were so disciplined, and I certainly never expected the French to be able to sing. However...
...here's the recipe for the muffins. Start with one medium-sized tuna, preferably dead. If not dead, see a vintage copy of Joy of Cooking for how to dispatch tuna. Anyway, halve the tuna and put the front half in a blender with some hot water and mix on high until...
...one of the few remaining decent sports in this country of ours, and all the more satisfying for the high levels of skill it requires. The first step of course is to hide behind a bush and make a noise like...
...a lettuce in distress. Elusive or nay, the pickle will undoubtedly become curious, and drop his or her guard, and that, dear reader, is when you must strike, and strike true. Now, most importantly...