...Anne Robinson. Screaming in terror, I took us back to the Triassic period and fed her to a passing dinosaur. While I was there I saw...

a talking onion called Dave, who I'd met once before during an.....

...extended stay in the University of North Wales Medical School's asylum wing. Recognising it now as the insidious guise of a renegade Time Lord, I immediately...

switched K9 back on again and told him to attack. This he promptly did by eating Dave the onion giving him enormous wind problems and...

...very watery eyes. Startled, I fell backwards out of the TARDIS and into...

the arms of a very tall and well developed, green....

....Tomatoe. Being a green tomatoe, it wasn't ripe yet and hadn't softened. This caused the poor tomatoe to be...

misspelt. While I could have used the TARDIS to ripen it by taking it forward in time, I had more pressing business to attend to, particularly the large and malodorous...

...mushroom I had been carrying since this all began. I had kept it hidden through my adventures by stuffing it in my left armpit. However, now it was clear that...

... my ramblings have over-extended themselves and this letter should have been posted in time for Christmas. With that in mind, I will sign off with my very sincere hopes for your peace and prosperity in 2004, as well as a shiny new theme [as agreed at the beginning] for this game ......

---

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time, in the land of...