..she wanted the secret of my grasshopper and walnut chutney. But I wasn't that much of a pushover, and I traded it for snout. Meanwhile...

... back in Aldershot, Mildred had a suspect package delivered which turned out to be ...

...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...

..."you dozy twat - you never got little Samantha a birthday present last August!" I was so stunned by this outburst that I...

...immediately went to try and locate the perfect gift. However, I did have to avoid...

...the legions of police who were scouring the country for me, so I cunningly disguised myself...

as Berthold Brecht. Thus, slipping easily through the police cordon on the M3 at Frimley, I made my way to....

junction 2 (the M25), where they were digging up the....

...corpse of the real Berthold Brecht, whose coffin had been removed from Europe and interred in Britain years ago as part of a secret plot on the part of the...

...International Federation of Delicatessen Entomology (FIDE), who wished to obtain the secrets of his Hazelnut and Ladybird Chutney, and had stolen his coffin under the guise of chess grandmasters. Forced to swap my disguise of Brecht for that of...

... neat privet hedge, I successfully avoided detection and marched straight into the nearest toyshop to buy the new edition of 'Tabletop Twister' for Samantha, thus improving her chances of ...