...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...

...also failed, which is why I am currently writing this epistle from inside Strangeways, where at this time of year there is thankfully plenty of...

...writing paper. However, supplies of walnut and grasshopper chutney are drying up, especially since...

...I had no ink, and uncertain times call for desperate measures. As a fugitive from the law, I...

live in the south of Spain among like-minded individuals. There, the sun shines constantly, making . . . .

...candlelit dinners somewhat pointless. This of course is why I never...

...actually moved to Spain, especially since I was still locked up in Strangeways, albeit dreaming of sunnier climes. My 'cellmate', a ...

...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...

...the warden was coshed from behind with a jar of grasshopper and walnut chutney by...

...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...

..she wanted the secret of my grasshopper and walnut chutney. But I wasn't that much of a pushover, and I traded it for snout. Meanwhile...

... back in Aldershot, Mildred had a suspect package delivered which turned out to be ...

...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...