...none other than Tony Blair. The sudden realisation that not only was I in the future but in an alternate future brought me out in a cold sweat. But then, it dawned on me that...

...it wasn't an alternative future at all, the Labour party had just changed their name to fit their image. Reading further, I saw that the Conservative party now seemed to be called Cassandra, now they were out of the closet, which seemed fair enough. Realising that I had all the information about the future that I needed in the handy Saturday magazine insert "History of wagers you wished you'd made if you'd only known the future for the last 2 years", or something like that. It also had Jade Goody nude, unfortunately which made me...

...throw up into a nearby container which just happened to be a passing bill-posters bucket. He was not at all amused and started to swear at me in words which I had never heard before. I decided to leg-it and ran into...

...a telephone box which brought me back to the present day, outside Corrals the Bookmakers. As there was still plenty of time before I needeed to buy Samantha her present, I walked...

...up and down the City Road, and in and out the Eagle, before...

...walking like an Egyptian for several minutes for my own amusement and that of a few puzzled passers by. I then had a sudden craving for a ham sandwich with lashings of chestnut and grasshopper chutney, so I...

popped home. August brought with it...

... a mountain of debt, which is why I've sent you this begging thinly-disguised-as-a-round-robin-seasonal-journal letter. It seems ages since I had a decent ...

...pair of trousers to call my own, and as a consequence my...

...legs have been somewhat battle-scarred in all these jaunts and scrapes I have inadvertently found myself in. Funds are also required to...

..bolster the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch village hall roof repair fund. It is such a shame that such a lovely building, made out of antracite slag, should be in such disrepair. I hope that you will all dig deep into your pockets. The vicar says that he...

...has an injunction against me coming with 200 metres of him or the church, since the unfortunate Walnut and Grasshopper Chutney incident. I think that it was a complete over-reaction, myself, I mean all I did was...

..., well I would tell you all, but the injunction prevents me. September, with the leaves falling from the trees and autumn starting, was.....

... the start of Autumn with the leaves falling from the trees and I found, to my horror, that not only was I short of cash, but also experiencing an alarming vocabulary deficiency. This shortage of vocabulary forced me to ...

...thingummy...

.....and then watsit. Alarmed at this strange state of affairs, I went to the doctor who told me to....

...diddly durbley dowacky winjar. Or at least that's what it sounded like to me. It was then that I remembered...

... the word 'stirrup'. Coupled with the word 'chutney' it made a pleasing sound, so armed with my new phrase I spent the following week inserting it into ...

...every sentence I stirrup chutney could. However, my stirrup chutney neighbours soon...

Filed a stirrup chutney law suit against me, claiming I was a thigummy, or whatsit, I don't remember. But anyway, I had to hire a stirrup chutney lawyer who

...would adequately stirrup chutney me. His primary defence stirrup chutney was...