... CONGRATUALTIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON SIXTY MILLION BILLION QUID!!!!!! To claim your prize phone 0898 69 69 69, Calls charged at £9.99 per second and last for at least ten hours.. Well I wasn't silly enough to fall for that ploy so instead I......

realised that the rat was clearly from the future so I ran after it quickly. Everything started to look odd..the sun seemed to move faster and it rapidly became cold and dark. Moonrise occurred even more swiftly and day followed on again, until all around me was a blur. I felt so dizzy that I fell and...

...crashed out of the temporal slipstream tunnel (for that is what my good friend Prof Hawking later said that it was) and hit my head against something stone. When I came to, I found that I was now in...

...July.

This of course is the month of little Samantha's birthday, and not knowing where I was I looked around for...

..a card shop, there was bound to be one somewhere, every high street is crammed with them from end to end. What a price birthday cards are, €732.99. I looked up at the clock in the shop and realized that I had fallen through the temporal warp and emerged in the future. It was 2005 and everything in the shop was marked in prices in a strange currency. I ...

...decided to look around and find out as much as possible to use when I went back to my own time so that I could make a fortune. I found a library down a dingy backstreet and...

...was rather perturbed to meet a large uniformed man holding a machine gun. "Your papers!" he demanded, so I gave him a copy of the Daily Mail which I happened to have handy (so absorbent!), but it obviously didn't fool him because he...

..dropped dead. Puzzled, I glanced down at the paper, noticing that I had opened it to the page where...

...leader of the Conservative Party poses topless. In this issue, I was surprised to see it was...

...none other than Tony Blair. The sudden realisation that not only was I in the future but in an alternate future brought me out in a cold sweat. But then, it dawned on me that...

...it wasn't an alternative future at all, the Labour party had just changed their name to fit their image. Reading further, I saw that the Conservative party now seemed to be called Cassandra, now they were out of the closet, which seemed fair enough. Realising that I had all the information about the future that I needed in the handy Saturday magazine insert "History of wagers you wished you'd made if you'd only known the future for the last 2 years", or something like that. It also had Jade Goody nude, unfortunately which made me...