..his Lamborghini. I was very impressed by the gear shift although the engine pinked a bit when I was driving down the M6 at 20 mph. I noticed that I had spilt some chutney on the white leather seats and while I was trying to clean it off I ran into the back of..

beyond, somewhere near Mansfield. I stopped at a red light and suddenly...

...hired a prostitute (I'm still not sure why). At any rate, having no other use for her, I've been paying her to wash my...

mouth out with soap for even considering stopping for her. I was only going to ask directions when suddenly...

...I was arrested for loitering. In the jail cell, I met a gentleman called Cyril, who offered to...

...provide me with a complete set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica for only £10. Unfortunately, all I had on me at the time was...

my underwear, but it was clean, untorn and fairly new, so after he thought a while and scratched his...

lottery scratch card (which, miraculously (or, at the very least, fortuitously) gave him an instant win of £10,000) he, no long needing to sell me his set of encyclopaedias, very generously gave them to me for nothing. I opened a volume at random and was amazed when my eye lighted on the entry titled...

...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...