Ladies and gents, please welcome the Claus family and their son Sandy and the El Toe family, and their daughter whose name is not on the list, but she's insisted upon being suspended from the ceiling for festive reasons. Furthermore I do believe however that things are likely to become somewhat 'over-familiar' here at the ball if yesterday evening's soiré is an indication, as I spotted Mummy kissing Sandy Claus underneath this Miss El Toe last night. Oh, and there's a chap called Noel here as well, and his friend Si Lentnight and the Sanna family, with their daughter who is alleged to have solicited for sexual purposes, though it was never proven. Please welcome also Mr and Mrs SinRoyalDavidCity, and their son Juan, and this evening's cabaret singer Mr. Harold Angel. Oh, and since this is a multicultural and multi-religious affair, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to learn that Theo Israel has been joined at last by his long awaited guest Emmanuelle. Many of you may wish to rejoice, since you've long been expecting that.

LAST ORDERS AT THE BAR PLEASE !! Twelth Night as come and gorn ! Ain't you lot got stables to go to ?

New theme? Or something completely different?

And now for something...I've tried to think of some suggestions, but for now seem to be drawing a blank.

...completely different. All further arrivals must stay under the line. Mornington Crescent

Um, I said Mornington Crescent. Where's the Grim Reaper when you need him?

Over 'ere, mate. Time to give this one a decent burial. Anybody fancy a Geographer's Ball? Lots of weird-sounding specialist terms.

Well, I have no idea as to how long it might last but someone has to strata off.

It's a short ball. Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Gitude, and their son Lon....

Please mix with the D'analands and their daughter, Gwen.

Just before I head for the punch, please welcome the Boles together with their daughter, Dusty.

Ooops! I'm becoming somewhat dry now - the Neenyo's and their daughter Elle have just arrived.

Urrgh. BAN 's

Oooh look, here's Audrey, and she's going to give us a talk about the research she has been doing with the help of the SUN newspaper, plotting the locations of all paedophiles in the surrounding area, and asking them all questions. Lets have a look at Audrey's Nonce Survey Map (****Coat please!****)

Please welcome the Clines in the form of Cindy ('Cin')and her aunty.

this poor neglected game. No guests to speak of at his party. poor wee soul.

I know. but I'm rubbish at puns.

Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Tarktick and their daughter Anne

Will you also welcome from warmer climes Mr & Mrs Reef and their daughter Coral

It's Mr and Mrs Astrench, and their deep daughter, Marianne

This game is screaming in agony. I am sorry, but these geographers have just got to go. I blame it all on the Pines and their son Al Pine. Now please be upstanding for the nect round of guests , ably fronted by the De Leer family from Ireland, as their son Sean de Leer welcomes all and sundry to the "Household Items ball".

This looks more promising - the first arrivals, straight off the chara' - Ira Ningboard, Dai Ningchair, Lew Brush, Kit Chentowel and, of course Ma Tatomasher and her husband Pa . . . ..

And Ira, a rag-and-bone man, has brought along his horse, the Dray Ningboard

Please welcome that collector of old newspapers and tins it's Mr & Mrs Ikelingbox and their son Reece

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Rowe-Wave and their son Mike

Also please put your hands together for Mr & Mrs Dardlamp and their son Stan

This party's hotting up! It's the representatives of the Boiler family, lead by Gus and swiftly followed by his cousin, Ian Mersion-Heater

all the way from SARF london, its the Door family, wiv their terrible twins, Fran Door & Beck Door

Will you please welcome Mr and Mrs Cupboard and their daughter Erin.

And say a big hello to Mr and Mrs Chunsink and their son Kit.

Its Mr and Mrs Hall with their sons Stuart,White,Addlington,Bredbury,Lostock,Grange,Gorse and daughter Bram

Welcome please that multicultural family all the way from Cheddar Gorge, Mr & Mrs Sgrater and their lovely daughter, Chi.

Ooh, phooey. Too long away, one feels.

All the way from the Orient its Mr&Mrs Chin with their sons Itchee and Hairee

This game needs sectioned i believe - for observation.