A consignment of grammar specialists have snuck in! Of course, they would sneak, weedle, steal or even creep. They're very pro verbs. But they still shouldn't be at our party! Nor indeed should the welsh farmer Mr Entations' pet lamb. It's spilling the punch bowls all over the guests! Dan'll get rid of them for us, and he'll hose ya down afterwards. And I see that the lovely Mrs. Ling's traditional dress has been spoilt by the punch - the colour's all run out of the sash. Good job there's an obi dyer in the room!

A big hand please for the Yah family and their daughter Lou. Hallo, Lou Yah! Come and meet our VIP guest, the Fourth Earl Ordgod of Nipotentreigneth. He's a bit of a bore, he's been talking with Andy Shallreign for ever and ever.

A mystery woman has just arrived with the Inexcels family. Her sister Anna is introducing her as a long-lost sibling, prompting the assembled company to cry Who's Anna Inexcel's sis?

OK, let's review the situation. Who's 'ere? A bunch of apocryphal characters, by the looks of things. First the Dom family with their son Wes, the tedious knight Sir Ache and his pub-dwelling crow the bar rook, and what seems to be the entire McAbee clan - one, two, three, four of them. And Jeremy - ah. He's just sent a letter. It seems he can't come because he had his toe bit by that damn rook.

This is actually true - the senior partner of US law firm Altheimer & Gray used to be called Simon Odom. No joke. Another good one (but not biblical) is the Managing Partner of Dechert in Paris Mr Joseph Smallhoover. You really couldn't make it up.

Also late are Mr and Mrs Tiles and their daughter Jen, and also my good friend Wayne Amanger. Also the eco friendly hippy Jude. He's a vegetarian you know, and brings his own food - look, Jude 'as 'is carrot

Let's thank our caterers for their wonderful nativity-themed buffet. A big hand for Pret a Manger please. Senses scrapings at barrel's bottom.

I'm off to the musicians' ball. Anyone care to join me?

I'll join you, and in doing so I would like to welcome Mr. & Mrs. Tovensfifth and their daughter Bee Tovensfifth. She's a symphony in peach and i'm sure we could make some very nice music together!

And I'd like to welcome my close personal friends, the Days-Mozarts, and their lovely 5-year-old daughter Amy, who'll be singing in the visiting primary school's musical version of Little Red Riding Hood later on in the evening. (She plays the grandmother who is captured and tied up in the cupboard by the baddie - so you'll get to see a wolf gag Amy Days-Mozart.)

[ZK] Stunning!
Just entering the ballroom, we have Mr. and Mrs. Phony and their son Sam -- he's a dreamy lad, always in a fugue.

Over there, with his cap on back-to front, is the garage star Sod E. Are you going to give us some rap Sod E?

I think I spy in the corner a fake and highly dodgy character being hunted by the police! Officer, it's him - phony

Ah, welcome please Claire E. Net. Also, a distant cousin of the queen, the Royal Phil Armonic. And I've just been informed that there's a problem getting into the party - the door handel's fallen off.

Well, there's five guys named Mo here, but only one of them has the surmane Zart.

It seems that Mo Nteverdi, Mo Dulation, the unmusical Mo Notone and the verbose heir to his father's estates, the 2nd Mo V'ment, are all keeping rather lower profiles tonight.

I believe tonights MC is none other than Mr Mike Raphone (Mic to his close pals)

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Piano, and their Gran.

She's a Gran, but she calls hereself "Baby".

The wine waiter Hoven is under a lot of pressure tonight, so please would I ask you kindly not to bait Hoven.

Here are those lovely Finns, the Noconcertoincminor, and their beautiful daughter Pia Noconcertoincminor

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Fonyum and their son Hugh

Please put your hands together for Mr & Mrs O'Bowsfallentobits and their daughter Amy

Please welcome the very first entry in the phone book: Mr and Mrs A and their son Ari.

Please put your hands together arhythmically for Old Pa Cussion

Mr and Mrs Ductor have asked us to ensure a warm welcome please (because she'll throw a tantrum unless you do as she says) for the bossiest guest at the ball, Connie Ductor

I'd like to welcome Mr Al Singing as part of the cabaret. He likes to get everyone together for his Commune Al Singing. It's a bit of a wow and everyone says Corr Al Singing, you're fantastic.

PP] Did Carol not show up then ?

Please welcome Mr& Mrs Tone and their son Barry

...and their adopted half-son Sammy

and their friends, Mr and Mrs Phonic and their enchanting daughter Polly.

Please welcome, from Greece, Mr and Mrs Emiquaver and their extraordinarily ephemeral son Demis.

And while we're about it, here's Mr and Mrs Doallaturca and their son Ron.

At last! Our Italian friends, the Chertoes with their son, Con

Then welcome please Mr and Mrs Estines, and their talented yet culturally unbroadened son, the nevertheless musical Phil.