Today you can be certain that mysterious people are not following your every action. However it is also a good day for following the every action of other Librans

Your fiery temper will be put to the test this week as you seem to be in demand to sort out other's failures in matters of taste. Don't spread yourself too thinly - you're at your most effective in short bursts and applying yourself to a long drawn-out matter will only weaken your effectiveness.

Uranus is in ascension so you should think about losing weight. Starting your own badger grooming business could ease your financial stress. Don't blow situations out of proportion, just use dynamite instead. Travel will get you places. Beware anyone who offers you a custard cream.

Be abstemious at lunch today. A heavy meal and one Baby Cham too many could see you nodding off at your desk during the afternoon, and when you wake up the world will have been invaded by alien pod people. On no account let them assimilate you!

Dental floss plays a significant part in your day, when you turn up to work and find a job lot sitting on your desk obscuring your computer. Meanwhile, your spouse is in a sticky situation with a randy clergyman over the local nativity play, while your children decide to go exploring at the local substation with hilarious consequences. Your lucky amusingly-shaped root vegetable is a breast-like beetroot.

You may feel like metastasising today, but hang on! If you wait just one more day, then your host will have got through their annual medical with a clean bill of health, and you'll be able to grow all over the place without fear of being noticed until it's too late. Your lucky tumour is non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

You will be sentenced to 10-20 today. Stabbing your barrister outside the courtroom might be your only picker-upper all day. Don't forget your toothbrush and soap-on-a-rope. Your lucky cellmate is 'Toine.

Tomorrow is a good day for stopping and thinking, which is a pity since your lack of activity will result in the destruction of the known universe by your arch enemy.

Your long striving for pop music success will finally bear fruit this evening at about 7:36pm when you will perform "Day Drem Believer" at your favourite karaoke bar and remember almost 70% of the lyics. The applause will be enthusiastic but sparse. Next time, remember to invite more relatives.
just bringing in another astrological tradition since we've kind of done the Zodiac

Today is a great day for sea-goats ! You will get a date for the excision of your ingrowing toenail, you will find a faience brooch in your cutlery drawer, and you will see a vision of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in TESCO's car park. Avoid butter until Tuesday however. Your lucky electronic component is the electrolytic capacitor.

Today is a good day. After a siege of eight months, you will finally capture the city of Saguntum, thereby breaking the Ebro River treaty, and precipitating the Second Punic War. Your best bet is to march into Gaul, before assembling a force of war elephants and attacking Rome from over the Alps. Avoid Libyssa. Your lucky presocratic is Heraclitus.

You have an abundance of caring of other people, share this gift with those that seek the pleasure of work. Do not clean up after yourself today, others shall take enjoyment from tidying your unruly mess and washing your most honourable dirty cups. Their industry will bring you tranquility of enlightenment.

Today is a good day to die.

Life is never smooth. The chunky texture of your life right now has a vinegary aftertaste which may not be to your liking. However, rest assured there will be a sweet taste of success, which is sure to be yours to relish at leisure once you have managed to get the lid off. Just don't look too closely at the label.

Before you go, remind too distant exterior on a leg you of it that you receive, in order to backwards finally culminate. They saved the premium for the end, and is it maintains ages. Begin the music and observe their might those have written to dance. Passion? Luck? Novel? Not, not really.

P.S. GET 42% OFF the NEXT Harry Potter book when you order your personnel Astrology of profiles.

You will be the butt of forty-eight distinct jokes made by fellow musicians, at least two of whom shall be trombonists. You shall then get together with three of your number, get into a mini and drive in the direction of the nearest cliff. Having overshot, someone on the cliff edge will shout "You could have got five of them in easily".

Today is a good day to follow your chosen star. Be prepared for a walk in the park, the bush by the southern entrance will provide ample cover. Should there be shopping, beware of cameras and security. It has been a week since you last made contact, make up for lost time send three cards and phone twice. Tommorrow the police will come for you after breakfast.

This card speaks of dark secrets and vicious rumour. Looks like it's true about Mr Fisher, then -- right there in the cafeteria, apparently! Probably best to eat elsewhere today.

You will be involved in a ferocious bidding war today, but ten pence really is too much for the Mills & Boon so I'd let Mrs Tinker have it if I were you. Mind the loose paving stone on the way out of the church hall, though - you don't want to go ruining your new tights with only having worn them a week! Do pop in to see Mr Hedges at the butcher's; he's got a nice Cumberland sausage in this week, or so he says. I thought he was from Manchester.

Hmm, I knew there was a reason I preferred Earl Grey.

You will encounter an elevated, unlit newcomer, plunge in fondness and live contentedly ever subsequently.

Caramac is ascending in Starbucks this evening, and so you should expect to read your own obituary in The Times. You will have an unaccountable craving for Weetabix at 3:10 pm. Your lucky condiment is mustard.

Your phrenological review indicates substantial external bruising in the areas of 'self esteem' and 'kindness' by an unknown assailant whilst you wait for the No57, which will be late for the second time this week and its only Wednesday, while you are reading thi....

When you are woken by the bus driver you will have lost 10 minutes, your mobile phone and your bus fare home. Enjoy the walk.

Today you will face destruction by Mumm-Ra for the thirtieth tedious time. Working close with a friend or loved one will bring the battle-tank into play at just the right time. Be mindful of wily-kit who might lead wily-kat astray and into a dangerous situation. Snarf. Your lucky ability is being able to run very fast indeed.

You can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough. You're living in a fantasy world. Take the money and run. You can keep the furniture. Where'd you park the car? Cut the kids in half. Everyone wants to be your friend. I think you're crazy, maybe. Stop sending letters, letters always get burned. When i am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all. Ambition makes you look very ugly. Breathe keep breathing, don't lose your nerve. There are doors that let you in and out, but never open. But they are trapdoors that you can't come back from. Ambition makes you look very ugly.

Another rather predictable month. You will hurtle through space, orbiting a giant ball of gas. You will continue to be composed of Hydrogen and Helium, have a density of 0.69 g/cm³ and remain surrounded by rings composed of thousands of water ice particles. Later this week you will move into Capricorn, but it's unlikely you'll feel the benefit.

With Harold Jenkins moving into the House of Janice Smith, you'll find yourself assailed by meteors from the Perseid Shower. There might be some minor impacts on your northern pole, but it seems unlikely that your orbit will be significantly altered. More significant is next week, when Harold Jenkins will come into conflict with Mr Perkins at work - look out for a glancing encounter with Ceres, leading to a definite change of pace as you change orbit to several degrees off the ecliptic! Obviously things will be a bit quiet after that for a few thousand years, although induced precession in your orbital pattern after a near approach to Jupiter will presage a fiery death in Earth's upper crustal zone, incidentally bringing to an end the lives of all the descendents of Harold Jenkins.

You might want to cancel the milk.

I see the mists clearing and a shape emerges. No, make that two shapes. They are becoming clear. You will accosted by a gnu. Its name is Herbert. The other shape is a horse, called Sean. It is a nice gnu, not to be confused with the German battleship the Gneisenau, sister ship to the Scharnhorst, not to be confused with Sean Horse, which is your horse. There will be buttercups.

Today is another good day for wearing red dungarees.

With the alligators approaching the House of the Rising Sun and Thatcher still in the House of Lords, now is the time to decide if you really should have those vegetables nasally inserted. Beware of Gnus, they will want to explain monetary union to you. Your lucky dwarf is 'Sneezy'.

You're about to hit a sticky patch, but don't let it give you the pip. No matter how heated the situation, don't let it make you boil over or there'll be a real mess on the stove top. Things will soon settle down. Just remember to keep the lid on your emotions, otherwise you'll find a layer of mould when you next come to stick your finger in the jar. Congestion will ease.

Y-O-U-R--R-U-S-T--H-E-A-P--O-F--A--C-A-R-S--S-E-R-V-I-C-E-- A-N-D--M-O-T--A-R-E--D-U-E--T-O-D-A-Y--I-T-W-I-L-L-F-A-I-L--T-H-E--M-O-T--T-H-E--B-I-L-L --T-O-C-A-R-R-Y--O-U-T--T-H-E--R-E-P-A-I-R-S--W-I-L-L --B-E--F-O-R--F-I-V----- S-T-O-Q-P--P-U-L-K-L-I-N-G--T-G-H-E--P-P-O-I-N-S-T-E-R

This week your output will be distinctive, spread, as ever across eight national digital TV services and eleven radio networks. For more specific predictions, see here

An inauspicious date at the best of times, today it is compounded by Saturn ascending and the Black Cat Convention that is currently visiting town. Consequently, all the sorrows you have ever known are as nothing to the woes that await you if you leave the house. I recommend barricading yourself in the bedroom and quaking in terror under the covers until dawn tomorrow. It's not guaranteed to save you, but trust me: anything else will be much, much worse.

You will find yourself appointed Lord Chancellor. Or possibly not. You will not take on the job of Speaker in the House of Lords, or possibly you will for a bit. You will also be responsible for the Scotland Office and the Welsh Office, which will also be abolished, except they won't, and you won't be responsible for them. Well, you might manage their old staff. You won't be head of the judiciary either. Well, OK, you could be.