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The Furcation Game
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Each game fork has its own rules. Additional forks may be possible if the particular game would allow it at the time. Reunifications must be legal in all affected forks.
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Boleti: Didst thou perchance speak too soon?
Who makes that frightful caterwauling?
Enter Graziela and three Weasels
Graziela: 'Tis I! / Parson's Green/Green Park [Projoy] Ha bloody ha. / Act Up / New / That'll be Farce Cape, or I'm a monkey's uncle.

Film , 5 Words, Desperately Contrived

Fred: Oi, Eric! Which department are you doing tonight?
Eric: I'm on greens, mate. Why?
Fred: We're down two olfactory testers over in root veg and there's a big shipment coming in. I was hoping to get some help.
Eric: Sorry, Fred, there's no way -- we've got two container-loads of lettuce that need sniffing, and that's before we even get onto the spinach. Can't you pass some of it on to Ernie down in pulses?
Fred: Done that already. He's got one of his chaps working the overflow on turnips and carrots, and I think we can handle the surplus parsnips in-house, but I still need someone to take on...

Weasel 1 : Eeeek!
Weasel 2 : Eeeek!
Weasel 3 : And thrice, Eeeek!
// Hyde Park Corner/Queen's Park /// Water Water / Zealand//That's got me stumped - something to do with peas ? / There once was a man with a dog
It turns out the following is easier than the work I'm doing at the moment...

Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent Boleti: And why, forsooth, are you accompanied
By these vermine, so dank and tawdry?
Furcation II : Reverse Chalk Farm '84This should help matt out a bit: Euston (Bank Branch)/Euston (Charing Cross Branch)
Furcation III : Boardman's CombinedSquare Oval
Furcation IV : Small Earthquake in ChileLamb
Furcation V : Sound CharadesAttack of the Killer Tomatoes is the only fruit/veg related film I can think of, but I don't think it's that.
Furcation VI : LimericksWho kept a very dull log

I almost considered making the last game Limacres for a minute.

I hate tables, which is why I've nicked rab's. Torn between the grips of Melpomene and Thalia (nice if you can get it), I've bifurcated Game I.
Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent Graziela: These secret, black and midnight weasels three
Doth speed my coach, and double as my tea.
'Tis quicker, by my troth, to get them trained,
Far more than all my shrews, as yet untamed.
But I, I am more shap'd for sportive tricks
Than shuttling messages beyond the Styx.
I prithee, vaunt my skill as ballroom dancer!
  • Boleti: Nay, tell us of our fortune, necromancer!
    • Furcation II : Oh Yes It Is!
    • Graziela: It's weasily explained. I always travel on them, it's more cost-effective.
    • Boleti: What you mean?
    • Graziela: Things run better on Weasel!
    • Azulejo: I don't wish to know that. I hear you're a medium.
    • Graziela: No, I'm a size 6 but you're too kind.
    • Boleti: [whispers] Watch out - it's a small medium at large.
    • Graziela: I can indeed.
    • Azulejo: But can you predict the future? ...Oh, that's very good.
    • Graziela: You're called Azulejo, you're 38, married and the father of two lovely children.
    • Azulejo: Hmm, not bad. I'm actually the father of 3 children.
    • Graziela: That's what you think.
    • Boleti: I went to your steaming hovel the other night. It said "Closed, owing to unforeseen circumstances." [All groan mightily]
    • Graziela: Yep, saw that one coming.
    Furcation III : Reverse Chalk Farm '84 [Projoy] I admire your attempt to reunify the entire game; as to your other question, hmm. Green Park/Park Royal, leaving it open for matt.
    Furcation IV : Boardman's Combined Waterchute
    Furcation V : Small Earthquake in Chile Attacks
    Furcation VI : Sound Charades [matt] Yes it was Farscape - knew you'd get it. As for the this: best I can get is Smeller's Scents Of Snow (maybe Sorrel?), but I know that's wrong.
    Furcation VII : Limericks The dog cocked its leg
    *sigh*. It seems these things always include a furcation I can't do as soon as possible. This has two already...
    [Ibid] That's what strategic passing/fudging manouevres are for. I'm not really sure how to do Sound Charades and Oh, Yes It Is myself, but am willing to give it a go.
    Shame, I was hoping Ibid'd play, as I know he's got a Sound Charade ready to roll. So here's a quick... Bluffer's Guide to fudging Oh Yes It Is!:
    1. Enter [entirely new character]
    2. Exit [extraneous character who hasn't said anything]
    3. [hero] and [sidekick] do visual comedy bit that doesn't work in a completely verbal medium
    4. "Graziela, you remind me of my wife! Why, she's so ugly, her visit to the beautician's took 10 hours. And then they gave her an estimate. When she walks through the door, the mice start throwing themselves in the traps. But then my face lights up - she shoves it in the fire."
    5. "Whaddaya think of it so far?!"
    6. "I knew I should've done Today With Des & Mel instead"
    7. "I've had better audiences than this in a phone box"
    8. "I read a book about you lot the other day, it's called Bleak House"
    9. "Goodness gracious!" [points offstage]
    10. "I say, boys and girls, if [villain/ghost/zombie/alien/giant ant/bloke with sheet over head/terrorist/DEATH] shows up, you will say It's Behind You, won't you?"
    11. Curtain
    (But don't use the last one)
    To avert the impending Projoy Paradox I've had to reunify the original bifurcation, venting excess pressure into the limerick strand. Let's hope the result is stable.

    i
    Stratford    		 Graziela: Thy fortune, wretch, is plain for all to see
    If dance ye not, imperilled shall you be
    All men who walk these sands accurséd are
    Their choice: to die, or do the Cha Cha Cha!
    Azulejo: Bloody 'ell!
    Boleti: Thou ain't kidding, sunshine!
    Graziela: If you wouldst live beyond this night, then go!
    Grab thee a weasel, slow slow quick quick slow!
    ii
    Oh Yes It Is!    		 Graziela: Oh yes I did!
    Boleti: Oh no... fair enough, you win.
    Enter Prince Charming
    iii
    Fork Charm 48    		 Wembley Olympia, shunting Projoy into the Mens' 10m platform competition
    iv
    Small Earthquake    		 Britney's
    v
    Sound Charades    		 [Martha] You're right, that's not it. The old words-not-used test should help -- and remember which department Fred's in.
    vi
    Limacres
    And laid a green egg   Then sat up to beg

    [matt] Bravo! I fear impending Acre Street...
    [rab] What do you mean impending? It never went away! And why didn't someone tell me that "men" is plural already? Oh, the shame!
    [matt] Before (against my better judgement) I join the fray, could you tell me why you dropped Boardmans and didn't add another gamelette to make a total of eight ?
    [Blob] If I may be so bold as to answer on matt's behalf... this isn't Acre Street as such; we're free (or as free as we can be under the usual T&Cs) to bifurcate and reunify games as applicable. So in this case Reverse Chalk Farm and Boardmans have been unified into a hybrid game (Fork Charm 48), which in turn has had the obvious consequence of mutating straight limericks into Limacres. Hope that makes sense.
    Incidentally, I intend to make a move 'Real Soon Now', if I can just arrange with Dobbin the Pantomime Horse's agent a suitable fee for a guest appearance.
    [Blob] What rab said. [rab] Glad to hear it -- I was beginning to fear I'd killed the game off.
    Ah I see, a nice variant. I will wait for rab's move then before being foolhardy enough to venture my own effort.
    I know what the sound charade is, but I don't want to be making every other move.
    [Martha] But no-one else does 'em like you!
    Shit. I was going to do a move today, but I notice that the tea leaves of fate are disappearing down the plug-hole of destiny (getting trapped in the U-bend of eternity etc) and it's nearly time to go home. Bugger it. Got so caught up in 'Notes and Queries' at Orange I neglected this. (And I have also done some work today, woohoo!).
    So maybe tomorrow.
    Thank goodness no-one got there before me. Ladies and gentlement I present...
    i
    Stratford         		Enter drunk lutenist, who strums almost tunefully
    Boleti: What is this noise that has just started
    and so painfully my earlobes parted?
    Lutenist: For 'tis the weasel dance Sire
    The one the king doth most admire
    Graziela: (to audience) Not when I have my way
    And the king have banished away!
    ii
    Oh Yes It Is!         		Prince Charming: Ah, Princess Graziela, the fairest of all in this land.
    Graziela: (coyly) Prince Charming! (to audience) The most handsome prince there ever was; I wonder if he do ask for my hand in marriage?
    Prince Charming falls to knees, unaware of the arrival of Dobbin the Pantomime horse in the background.
    Charming: I was wondering, o fair Graziela
    Graziela flutters eye-lashes
    Dobbin approachs Charming and Graziela, inserting his nose right into the middle of their entrace and brays loudly
    Charming: Away with you, nag, before I turn you into glue.
    Back half of Dobbin lifts his tail; front half of Dobbin assumes expression of horror, and runs away as quickly as possible, the two halves separating. The two chase each other round for minutes until being shooed off stage by Charming.
    Audience: Cheers
    iii
    Fork Charm 48    		 Shepherd's Loo, which I believe takes Blob out of the game. Sorry, Blob.
    iv
    Small Earthquake    		 Enormously
    v
    Sound Charades    		 I think Martha knows matt's one and on the assumption that he gets this one, I'll gift him two points.
    Film - One word
    • FX: Knock knock
    • Professor Hertz: Come!
    • Enter undergradute student Nigel Round
    • Hertz: Ah Round! Do take a seat. Now how can I help you?
    • Round: Well, you see, Professor, whilst enraptured by your lecture on 'Curves' yesterday, I was slightly confused by one of your diagrams.
    • Hertz: Go on.
    • Round: Well, first you drew an arc.
    • Hertz: Indeed.
    • Round: And then an ellipse.
    • Hertz: Yes, and after that I believe a hyperbola. One of my favourites, although I am rather partial to the limacon of Pascal. Has a most beautiful pedal, you know. Anyway I seem to be going off on something of a tangent. What was your question?
    • Round: Well next you had lots and lots of curves that all looked the same, going on into infinity.
    • Hertz: Well I do admit my motions can be somewhat circular.
    • Round: And the thing is, you never told us what these curves were, as it was the end of the period.

    Hope that's the right kind of thing; not done this before.
    vi
    Limacres
    There once was a man with a dog
    Who kept a very dull log
    The dog cocked its leg
    And laid a green egg Then sat up to beg
    That looked suspiciously like an old mog Oh my! What a terrible slog For a bottle of lavender grog As though he were vastly agog
    vii
    10,000 Celerity CD's    		 9,999 VD clinics

    Be warned: the slightly pedantic HTML checker makes this a more difficult than usual game to play...
    Incidentally, was I right in assuming that Graziela is a girl's name? Hard to tell, these days...
    Thanks for the 2 points :o) Do I have to figure yours out, now? (And yes, I thought Graziela was a girl, too)
    Well, the Projoy Paradox still looked unstable, so I've had to refurcate the original. But the Blob Behemoth might threaten to overwhelm it in a move or two.
    i
    Stratford         		[Cast and weasels line up in 2 columns and begin courtly dancing, Lutenist calling out the dances]
    • Lutenist:Weasels all, find thee a man to
      Start a 3/4-time Coranto!
      Now comes one that's really 'ard,
      Segue into a Galliard!
      Don't let either partner falter,
      As we start a quick La Volta
      End the way we all began,
      Finish on a brief Pavane!
      [All fall down exhausted]

      I thank thee, noble weasels, for thy pains,
      Including that one, tied up in his reins.
      For I dost need the practice, ere I sing
      Before our noble master called the King.

    • Graziela: I'faith? Art thou assigned to play your tunes
      At Castle Drogo, for our king? Eftsoons
      You'll be there, like the lord of light thou art,
      I'll speed you there in this, my weasel cart!
    ii
    Oh Yes It Is!
    • Prince Charming: As I was saying, o fair Graziela, I wish for your hand in marriage
    • Graziela: O fair Prince, how romantic. When shall we be married?
    • Boleti: He doesn't want you, he wants to marry your hand.
    • Prince Charming: But what about the rest of her body?
    • Azulejo: I say boys'n'girls, if the rest of the body shows up, you will shout "It's Behind You", won't you?
    • Graziela: Do you take me for a fool, sir?
    • Prince Charming: I want to take you for my wife
    • Boleti: Same thing.
    • Prince Charming: You are close to an idiot!
    • Boleti: I am? [takes a step back]
    • Graziela: Enough of this. We'll need permission from my father, whose land is currently being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that cost a packet in special effects. Let's go off and tell him.
    iii
    Fork Charm 48    		 James Bond on Mary Whitehouse, reversing. [Blob] Nice move!
    iv
    reverse Comment to Projoy    		 [Projoy] It's really the simple minimalist elegance of your move, in the manner of Mies van der Rohe and Kasimir Malevich that freaks me out.
    v
    Small Earthquake    		 Overinflated
    vi
    Sound Charades    		 OK. [matt] Is it The Swede Smeller's Excess = The Sweet Smell of Success? I figured "Smell" was right, and then went through all the smelly films I could think of.
    [rab] Hmm, not sure. Is it maybe Signs = Sines?? Prob'ly not. (PS. good clue)
    vii
    Limacres    		 I'll start with an easy rhyme, this time.
    I once heard a fishmonger say:
    viii
    10,000 Celerity CD's    		 9,998 VW Golfs
    ix
    Nostalgia for Last Week    		 Ee, I remember when all the kids were copying David Beckham's Cornrow hairstyle and listening to Girls Aloud, by eck, those were the days.
    I see all these rows have different colours, but I can only see a dull brown on N4.
    [MF] Hurrah! I think at about one move a week, and we might be able to keep up the suspense. By the way your guess on my charade was correct. Well done. (But is it right to say this here, or must it be played as part of The Game?).
    It's still going faster than the original Stratford or Oh Yes It Is games did. :o) I didn't think I was right with Signs - I toyed with Russian Arc for ages, knowing you'd seen it. And I don't see what's wrong with commenting on the games down here, it happened all the time in Acre St. IIRC
    It's not so much commenting on The Game itself, more that my comment about the charade could be construed as being part of The Game, and so really ought to be played as part of it. I don't know. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously!
    ... all of which means it's presumably either matt or Projoy's turn. Blob, I believe, is on holiday, and so it might be nice to squeeze in a couple more furcations in time for his return.
    i
    Stratford    		 [Exeunt]

    Act I, Scene 2

    Castle Drogo. Enter King Syze, his daughter Meediam, Peugeot the Fool and assorted courtiers

    Princess Meediam: Honoured father, why mayn't I perchance
    Acquire a consort for thy Floral Dance?
    Peugeot: Hark thee now, sirrah, to this silly bint
    Fruit of thy loins -- and wit of thy loins it seems
    Who craves for suitors at thy birthday stint
    As Bob the Dog doth crave for Custard Creams

    ii
    Oh Yes It Is!    		 Prince Charming: Tell him? Doesn't he already know that his land is being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that...
    [Graziela slaps him]
    Azulejo: Welcome to married life, Prince!
    Graziela: [to Azulejo] You can shut up for a start.
    [to the Prince] No, my love, tell him he's going to gain a son.
    Prince Charming: Your mother's pregnant?
    [Graziela sighs heavily]
    Boleti: [to Graziela] Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he?
    iii
    Fork Charm 48    		 Old Kent Road, putting all Monopoly stations in strick. [Blob] Hurrah!
    iv
    Reverse Comment to Projoy    		 [Projoy] Who could fail to salute such a move? The Earth and Sky do bow down before its magnificence! The bones of the Hell-Hounds tremble to see such a move dawning upon the Earth. In the face of such brilliance what remains to be done? Nothing!

    So that's what I'll do.

    v
    Small Earthquake    		 Bald
    vi
    Sound Charades    		 [Martha] Spot on. Wot, no charade? Well, in the meantime, scrape the bottom of the barrel with this (which is both rubbish and offensive, and won't even be topical for another 6 months):
    Inscribed in hieroglyphics on the tomb of Thutmos III: Book & Film, 5 Words
    Trinny: Dear God, Susannah, I don't know how much more of this I can take!
    Susannah: I know, darling, I know. Believe me, I've been celibate since Spring/Summer 2002, I know the price of fashion.
    Trinny: Ever since sodding Lagerfeld went on his "Convent" kick we've all had to abstain from, well, you know what, and by now I'm climbing the bloody walls! If it goes on much longer I'll have to run amok with an axe!
    Susannah: Just hang on a little while, the 2004 collections aren't far away and my spies in the couture houses tell me it'll be all-change this autumn.
    Trinny: You mean...?
    Susannah: Yes, my dear. Praise be to God and Coco Chanel, next season we'll be saying goodbye to primly-artificial sexual frustration and a grateful hello to...
    vii
    Limacres
    "It's time that I came out as gay "As a soldier in old Mandalay,
    viii
    10,000 Celerity CD's    		 9,997 Portmeirion umbrellas
    ix
    Nostalgia for Last Week    		 Girls Aloud? Eee bah goom, you were lucky! In my day theer was nothing to watch all dee long but Big Brother, and we only got to see that if us'd been top on Celebdaq. We'd've killed for Girls Aloud ginna chance.
    x
    Tasting Notes    		 This one has a remarkable nose, oozing with strawberry shortcake and parma violets, then really hits the back of the throat with the rich lushness of steak tartare and elderflower before a lingering ketamine and marjoram finish with notes of rutting mink. Well worth 17 points in anyone's book! (Available in limited quantities from Oddbins and selected branches of Homebase.)

    I felt the need to revive Raak's Battenburg look, something which had an unprecendented effect on the number of bifurcations I needed to take. Maybe some of them can be reunified next time. I dunno.

    i
    Stratford
    THIS VERSE IS BLANK
    ii
    Two Words    		 Grange Hill
    iii
    Oh Yes It Is!    		 Enter Buttons, played by Jade from Big Brother 3
    Buttons: Nar ven kids, we wanna tell yer right, vat pregnancy right is WILL YER JUST SHUT AP FOR A MINUTE pregnancy right is just like fer adolts right so we don't wan any of yer kids getting up the duff right so if yer gonna dip yer wick yer wanna get one of them cordons on right yeah WILL YER STOP BEIN SO BLUMMIN TWO FACED RIGHT yeah so get one of them Dulux cordon thingies from yer B&Q any yer will LEAVE IT AHT ...
    Voice fades as dragged offstage by Graham Norton
    iv
    Butler Did It    		 The Matrix - Special Effects Overload
    v
    Fork Charm 48    		 Tottering and Leaden [matt] Yes, you are in a pickle aren't you? [Blob] If you must.
    vi
    Douglas Smith    		 An easy one to start: fring-cha *burp* dip-dip-dip atschoo!
    vii
    Reverse Comment to Projoy    		 [Projoy, re your fridge] Sorry, I lied. For some reason I thought you had the Delux Plus model. Of course, missing that all-important flange, the trick doesn't work on the straight Delux version.

    Meanwhile, the grace displayed by that move of yours has left me so stupefied I have no option but to drop out of the game. Congratulations! Surely you must be top of the ladder now?

    viii
    Baker Street    		 Hammersmith, denying home.
    ix
    Small Earthquake    		 COOT. A Heat magazine piece on seabird-fancying that one.
    x
    Dull anecdotes    		 Once upon a time I went to the Post Office to purchase four first class stamps. At 27p each the bill came to £1.08. Handing over £1.10 I was surprised to receive what looked like two five pence pieces as change. Before remonstrating, I noticed in fact that they were just shiny one pence pieces. Lucky that I spotted this in time, or else I would have had egg on my face I can tell you.
    xi
    Sound Charades    		 No bloody idea. You know I'm a bad reader, and refuse to see Hollywood flicks on principle. Not that it's a high-minded principle, though. Has more to do with the fact you tend to get more full-frontal no-bolds-harred nudity in the arty pictures. But you have to get something for three quid and two hours of reading Greek subtitles to an Armenien film. That's what I say anyway.
    xii
    Inside the mind of a cat    		 Looks like someone's reading the newspaper. Can't have that, so I'll have to amble along and sit on the bit they're reading.
    xiii
    Limacres
    The cod will be stoked But don't tell the wife I bred my own hake I lost both my legs
    xiv
    Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren    		 One of those dolls that grows real hair, sheds real tears and leaves real poo in its nappy.
    xv
    10,000 Celerity CD's    		 9,996 Welsh tourist attractions (excluding sheep)
    xvi
    Just a Minim    		 What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
    How should we deal with an inebriated seaman?
    What's the story with the pissed nautician?
    Ear-lie in the morning.

    Hoo-ray and up she rises
    Hip-hip and skyward it goes
    Shake a leg for a heavenward journey
    At the break of day

    xvii
    Nostalgia for Last Week    		 I look back wistfully on the days where you could go to the cinema, see a film, have a pint and a kebab on the way home and still get change for a tenner. And none of that two-hours-of-advert crap either, just a straight 20 minutes of ads, 10 of trailers. Oh and that quaint tradition of putting the BBFC certificate up at the start of the film. Those were the days.
    xviii
    Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently?    		 Might I start by recommending Cinnamon on the Mancunian Curry Mile? A more interesting set of chutneys than is standard and a pretty good jalfrezi. I would warn that the pardesi rather over-eggs the spinach pudding and that the after-dinner sludge makes a poor substitute for coffee. Regular customers, however, are often rewarded with a dram on the house, and Khal seems like a nice chap.
    xx
    Tasting Notes    		 Mmmm... I'm getting the bouquet of balsa-wood packing case ... I'm getting the texture of athlete's foot ... I'm getting the unmistakable acid overtones of yokel's piss ... I'm getting that unique sensation of earwig poo ... Oh! I seem to be getting a most exquisite food poisoning ... I'm getting hallucinations ... flashing blue lights ... I'm getting the most wonderful release in my stomach ... all for an extremely reasonable £4.99 from Victoria's Bottom.
    xviii
    Let Me Check My Oats    		 Today, my oats are looking very healthy, nay positively radiant. I put this down to two hours' exposure to sunlight each day, yet being kept in an airtight container.
    Oh piss. Trust me to notice I cocked up the numbering after I posted this.
    Bravo all! There seems to be some very interesting sub-games that ought to have a life of their own.
    I only wish the wine of furcation xix (incorrectly labelled xx above) were a figment of my imagination...
    [rab] Good grief.
    Remember the number of furcations can go down as well as up.
    [matt] Unless that was a reference to the wine. OK, I wasn't actually hospitalised, but rough is too smooth a word to describe that Sunday...
    [rab] It was sort of both. I guess I was wondering if this legendary wine was directly responsible for either the reckless expansion or the bizarre stream-of-consciousness games that resulted. My sympathies, anyway.

    Some interesting reunifications suggest themselves, but I don't think it'll be my turn again for some time. Let's see what, if anything, everyone else makes of this.

    [matt] I take comments like "reckless" and "bizarre" as a compliment, by the way.
    [rab] Just as intended, of course :)
    Grr. I only play this so I can play the games I started. The rest is just a chore. And I don't have any fancy table-writing software, which I bet everyone else has.
    Still, a few judicious early furcations should even up the score...

    i
    Euripedes     		King Syze: What cause have I to think of suitors?
    Do you not know of the dreadful curse
    That binds each one of us into a terrible
    Cycle of cruelty and death?
    My great-great-grandfather, Exter-Lahj be his name,
    Once insulted the god Apollo, him who pulls the sun
    Each day across the sky. He thumbed his nose
    And sacrificed a space-hopper in lieu of a sheep
    Since that time all has come to naught
    No crops can be brought to fruition in our earth
    Nor can the ground be broken with our plowshares
    Which means I shall have to prove my loyalty to Zeus
    By amending my great-great-grandfather's foolishness
    And sacrificing you this afternoon, my child.
    ii
    Brecht     		Enter Angord, a courtier

    Angord: My lord, the peasants are rising in the bailey. They are threatening to burn down this castle and kill everyone in it, including us.
    Peugeot: With such a brilliant plan as that, how could they possibly fail?
    King Syze: What! You think I concern myself with the petty trifles of the peasant class? I have a Floral Dance to arrange, for Heaven's sake!
    Meediam: But father, surely if the workers starve, there won't be anyone to play the music at the dance?
    King Syze: You're right, my dear. Honestly, I don't know why we keep them the rest of the time. Angord, go out there and buy them off with bread and circuses
    Angord: What! But only a fool would go out there to die!
    King Syze: Yes, you're right. Peugeot, you go out there. Or I'll execute you and your entire family in front of you in this very room

    iii
    Pinter     		King Syze: Who's Bob the Dog?
    Peugeot: Er.
    King Syze: You must be pissed.
    Peugeot: Bastard.
    Meediam: 'Ere, whoss your game 'en?
    Peugeot: ...
    King Syze: I've seen an advertisement in the paper.
    Meediam: Yeah, whoss it say?
    King Syze: Dunno, I can't read.
    Peugeot: No-one cares about me. I'm going outside. [Exit]
    King Syze: Where's that geezer got to then?
    Meediam: Dunno.
    iv
    Feydeau     		King Syze: Or as my wife Sue Per-Syze doth crave for sleepless nights, maybe. You know, I'm sure she's two-timing me behind my back, and if I could only catch her at it...
    Enter Francoise, the maid

    Francoise: Your Majesty! There's a witch at the door outside, with a lutenist and 2 courtiers! Quick, we'll have to hide you!
    Meediam: Why?
    King Syze: Oh no! Quick, I'll hide in this cupboard! [SLAM]
    Francoise: Because he's got a pathological fear of witches, didn't you know? Anyway, we'll have to let her in, so you'll have to pretend you're Sue Per-Syze instead.

    Enter Graziela, Lutenist, Boleti and Azulejo

    Boleti: Wahey, baby!
    Meediam: Hi, big boy. I'm Princess Meediam [pause]...'s mother.

    v
    Alan Bennett     		Princess Meediam: I used to dream of Custard Creams thirty year ago, back when they were rationing 'em, aye, we used to get t' biscuit coupons off of the old man in number 32. Or it could've been number 30. Any road, our mam always said, don't go nicking Custard Cream coupons, it's common and it's what the poor boys do. Well I were right chuffed to bits I were when this old man Charlie his name wor, he says "Ayup" and I says to him "'Ow 'bout them coupons then?" and 'e takes out his great butcher's knife and skims it across... no that's a different story that is, well I didn't know where to look when he got out his vouchers and ooh I felt like a proper one-day millionaire I did, that's what they used to call us down at the ol' rubbish dump where they was scouring around for mothballs.
    Peugeot, King Syze: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    vi
    Sheridan     		King Syze: Pray, dearest daughter, list awhile to my list, ha ha. Suitable suitors abound in this fair licentious city. We have Sir James Ugly, Lord Ripoff, Mr Samuel Thickasaplank, Captain Bragalot, his nephew Joshua Boringarse, the Fractious brothers, Viscount Fatso, the Duke of Nasty, Mr and Mrs Smalldong's son Ivor, Colonel Shit, Baron Nobrain and Ebenezer Fascist-Dictator. Meediam: Oh no, father, I want somebody young and extravagant, someone like poor John Lovelie. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with your steward Azulejo, whom I recently approached in the aspiration of arrangement of a meeting. It is my belief that when he returns, he shall bring that sweet-tempered gay young libertine in tow, whence I shall spirit him away to my boudoir.
    Peugeot: gasps
    vii
    Two Words     		Good move
    viii
    Tennessee Williams     		Graziela: That's right, missy. Pregnancy ain't good, and Ah should know, boy Ah remember at the summer ball when the nice-looking woodcutter from Georgia was a-comin' round with his little blond moustache and his big silver watch and he said "Lady, I wanna take you back home for some good old-fashioned...
    Azulejo: Hey, hey, hold your horses lady.
    Boleti: We were talking about the sharpest tool in the box.
    Graziela: Boy howdy, that sure brings back some memories...
    Prince Charming: Maybe when we get there we can sting your father for a massive dowry as well.
    Graziela: Ooh yays, jest lak' in tha old days. [Exeunt]
    ix
    Molière (trans. Neil Bartlett 1988)     		Prince Charming: Good lord! is it I who's the one to be accused
    Of stupidity, and be by my courtiers abused?
    You all seem to forget I'm from a different rank from you.
    I'm wondering how I could possibly sink so low.
    Nevertheless, I'll have you all up in court
    Except you, Graziela, whom I'm going to court.
    [Aside] It doesn't look like anyone's realised
    That I'm just a fake Prince Charming, though idealised!
    I changed my name by deed poll a while ago
    Just for the sake of going to the Royal Show!
    I didn't know I could get in without much hassle
    By scaling the outer wall at Windsor Castle!
    And as soon as Graziela takes me for her own,
    I'll get the King to abdicate the Crown!
    [Not aside] Come on! I've had my little bit of bragging,
    So now let's go and slay this terrible dragon!
    x
    Chekhov     		Prince Charming: We are all tools within life's eternal construction.
    Boleti: As the stars whirl and blaze about us, so we light our own paths before us
    Azulejo: Until the Eternal Matter transforms us into stones, water and clouds and our souls merge into the pale spirits of the dark
    Graziela:I can't agree with you at all there. However, it's a matter of taste. De gustibus aut bene, aut nihil.
    xi
    Oh Yes It Is!     		Scene 2.

    Dragon's cavern. Bones on floor, torches on walls. Dragon wakes up.

    Dragon: YAWN! [smoke billows from nostrils]. Oof, I'm too young to smoke.

    xii
    Butler Did It     		Anger Management - Money wasted *fume*
    xiii
    Fork Charm 48    		 Millions Wood [rab, matt] How come Blob gets all the comments and no-one even notices I exist??
    xiv
    Douglas Smith    		 Matthew Hopkins' ducking stool breaks, 5 women go in, only 2 are witches?
    xv
    Reverse Comment to Projoy    		 [Proj] Dammit, you know my Korean's rusty. Can you translate it please? (PS. the move, worthy of the mighty Gazuga himself, brings a lone tear to my eye as 'twere a glistening raindrop on the pinnacle of human endeavour)
    xvi
    Baker Street    		 Covent Garden, home at Baker Street. Has that been done before?
    xvii
    Small Earthquake    		 POPE
    xviii
    Dull anecdotes    		 That's interesting, because when I went to the Post Office to get my provisional driving licence all those years ago, there was a man standing in front of me wearing a big, thick overcoat and a shifty expression, and I was absolutely 100% sure that as soon as he got to the front, he'd press a button in his pocket and the kilos of semtex under his coat would blow us all to the moon! Well naturally I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear rude, but as I watched, he slowly undid each button on his coat, as if he was geting hot, which of course he would be, and it was the that I realised... he was just really fat!
    xix
    Sound Charades    		 [matt] I didn't post another one as I didn't think I was right with Signs. This one must be based on some fashion house or other... The French Connection? This Is Spinal Gap? Citizen Karan? Shopping and FCUKing? Alexander McQ? Monsoon Wedding?
    xx
    Inside the mind of a cat    		 Ooooh! A new garden! Thank goodness I had that liver & onions cat food this morning, I must mark my territory in the most invisible way possible. Nnnnnnn! Phew, eat less fibre in future. And scrape a token bit of grass over it, what a master of disguise I am.
    xxi
    Limacres
    As my sins are uncloaked 'Cos I value my life Which were killed by a snake To a dealer in eggs
    Like my ego", he joked. Whom I keep up in Fife With my pal, Cut-Throat Jake Where the match-seller begs,
    xxii
    Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren    		 Annie the miniature porcelain Ant. "Collect the entire anthill!" Just £5.99 each. And don't forget the bonus trading card game.
    xxiii
    10,000 Celerity CD's    		 9,995 copies of "The Trainspotting Tour of Edinburgh"
    xxiv
    Just a Minim    		 I just can't get you out of my head
    Boy your loving is all I think about
    My cranium cannot expel you
    Lad, it's more than I dare to think of

    La li luh, lo lor lay lee lu,
    Lum loo lur, low lully lar lin

    I certainly don't have the ability to extract thou from my skull,
    Child, I'm obsessed by your amorous advances,
    The brain of me has no skill in the repelling of thee
    Youth, I have the courage to cogitate neither this nor other things

    Every night, each day, only to be in that place in thine arms

    xxv
    Nostalgia for Last Week    		 That moment when Jon and Federico came out of the house within an hour of each other, it was almost impossible to believe that the two housemates who'd been most heavily backed at the start of the series could leave just halfway through. I mean, nothing had happened like that since, I dunno, Sissy left, who I'd had my hopes on getting to Week 9! It was a life-changing moment, a real landmark of televisual history, and anyone who missed it will be kicking themselves in 30 years' time. Mark my words.
    xxvi
    Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently?    		 China Red is well worth a look in, except for their penchant for discounted shark-fin soup. Did you know the fishermen hack off the sharks' fins while still alive and then chuck them back into the sea to drown? I mean, if they used their boats to start a shark sightseeing tour industry, they'd make 100 times as much money from the same animals. Which is why I never go to China Red. So the answer is no.
    xxvii
    Tasting Notes    		 A nice woody bottom to this Chateau Briand '72, which means it's undoubtedly aged in an old oak cask for 30 years. One that was previously used for storing antifreeze, I think, and Duckham's Hypergrade, the '58 mixture IIRC. It was then tarred on the outside with a coarse badger-hair paintbrush, remnants of which remain in the wine to this day. There's also a more recent hint of Castella Classic, Tixylix and berry pomeroy saliva. I give it 87% and a star for effort.
    xxviii
    Let Me Check My Oats    		 My oats have dwindled in number to 25,872, a difference of 30% on last week. This may be owing to the huge number of rats that infested my barn two weeks ago, after an explosion at the uranium factory nearby contaminated their previous living quarters and food supply. Fortunately they're now dropping like flies, so that's good. Now I'm off for more porridge.

    Over to you, matt.

    *peeps round corner, blanches, runs hastily away*
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