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The Furcation Game
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Or should I say "turn it all into Shakespeare" (due to the great weight of literature of course, not 'cause it's easiest).

A Celebrity Commentary: the Good, the Bad and the Tasteless.
An amusing diversion to enhance appreciation of furcations
1, 3
Ozzy Osbourne: Stop waffling and just f___in get on with it! I'm not quite sure how I didn't understand the concept of Celebrity Commentary in my previous move. Anyway, to make it up to Martha Farquar (who was quite dismayed, shall we say), this'll have 2 lots (on the DVD release, not included in special features on VHS). The 'celebrity' part now also comprises the half of previous furcation 3 which isn't now part of Furcation E, namely the tasteless bit: Ozzy Osbourne of course! And the 'commentary' bit, to counteract such forces of evil and darkness, will be provided by Test Match Special. Play on... Radio 4 Announcer:
Well, those of you wishing to continue listening to Insomniac's... sorry, Woman's Hour, that'll now be on FM only. For listeners on long wave, here's Test Match Special.
B Drama: Shakey Shakespeare
The saga continues; bring on the iambic pentameter!
2, 4, 8, 10, 12, 16, 18, 22, 24, 28... 30 to follow
Ozzy Osbourne: That's the whole f___in problem with theatre: a bunch of f___in ponces prancin about speakin in words you can't f___in understand! Eh? It's not the only thing to lose the f___in plot though... [Intermission, during which rab juggles reels of film while penelope and Blob perform the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketch

Scene 5 or less

At Castle Drogo, where a dual wedding ceremony and a coronation have just taken place. All characters are present, and seated at a huge banquet table.
  • Graziela: [Begins to clear throat, coughs]
    Excuse me, for I've swallowèd a fly
    [Coughs up fly] Ah, there, it clears; I am not going to die!

    Now I am unaccustomed to such speech,
    Despite attempts of courtiers to teach.
    Ere I go on, may I just paraphrase
    The Lut'nist's words, before his kingly days: [Enter Chorus]

    The marriage bed awaits, the curse is dead [Chorus: "Curse is dead!"]
    Both brides and grooms are now joyfully wed [Chorus: "Joyf'ly wed!"]
    Myself and Prince, Meediam, Lutenist [Chorus: "Lutenist!"; Lutenist waves at audience and points at crown he is wearing]
    King Syze exiled, but nah, he won't be missed [Chorus: "Won't be missed", then repeat last line twice, speeding up; exit Chorus]]

    Indeed, King Syze hath taken Hymen's vows
    With Hecate and thus has left this place.
    Alas! But now hath Lutenist been crown'd
    With Meediam his queen; there's no disgrace.

    Le Roi se meurt? Vraiment, le roi se meurt.
    But insomuch as existence has weight,
    With Syze's leave a curse lifts from our land
    King Lutenist's a better head of state.

    And also, by coicidence it seems
    I too have found fulfilment of my dreams
    Prince Charming and Azulejo, you see
    Turned out to be one and the same, lummee!
    And as did Lutenist and Princess Mee-
    -diam, he and I are now hitched, whoopee!

    As if by some collective destiny
    Have gathered husbands-, wives- and kings-to-be
    For Lut'nist a vocation from the blue-
    At least he got to marry Meediam too!

  • Boleti: [semi-aside, if there's such a thing] Aw dang, I'd fancied that girl faw a fling
    We'd've ockerpied a ranch left ba the King. [sighs]
  • Graziela: I feel in some universe parallel
    Tha' you'd've married Meediam as well. [shifty eyed look]

  • Lutenist: Oddly some inevitability
    Hath taken root in other wand'ring story
    As if destiny and love were congregating
    Now let us go disport ourselves with bear baiting!
  • Meediam: Fuck, that can wait 'til you start being king
    Not like fucking old times; this is living!
    We've wedding gifts! Best fucking part of being wed
    Come play with toastrack or this bloody sack instead! [proffers sack marked "OATS"]
  • Prince Charming: The Queen is right - this time must be enjoyed
    It's fair to say the testing times are gorne
    Enjoy it! Don't reflect on such crimes as
    That murd'rous duel in which I slew Bette Bourne.

  • Bored heckler: It's behind you!
  • Prince Charming:Beehind you!!I think that it is not!
    For your opinion is not worth a jot!
  • Bored heckler: Oh yes it is!
  • Prince Charming:Ohe it is!!Now let me make this plain -
    It's not panto! I won't tell you again!

    [An awkward moment, then enter Chorus. Band strikes up for musical-style finale piece]

  • Henry Blofeld: You join us here on the final day of this five day drama, plenty of people in fancy dress around, oh look, one chap's come dressed as a bear! How lovely. A full field of well-wishers, ranging from mid-off to deep mid-wicket, with the best man NIT Boleti at backward short leg and bridesmaids at extra cover. Here comes the bride now! And what excellent delivery she has!
    C Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak
    The hills are alive with the sound of squeaking.
    5
    Ozzy Osbourne: Sharon! Sharon! The f__in pig's squealin again! *sound of frantic squeals, probably porcine* Jonathan Agnew: Some sort of disturbance at the edge of the field... well, someone's let a pig onto the pitch, here come the stewards to deal with it.
    D Drama: Pinter?
    What's wrong with combining Pinter and bloody stupid questions?
    6, 13
    Ozzy Osbourne: Eh? What the f___?
  • Barry: Err, excuse me...
  • King Syze: Bloody ell, what now?
  • Barry: Err...
  • King Syze: You're not pregnant too, are yer?
  • Barry: Err...
  • King Syze: Well, could yer go ter Sidcup an get me a paper then?
  • Barry: Err...
  • King Syze: Bloody ell, am I the only one ere with a tongue in me head!?
    [exit Barry]
  • Graziela: Weren't you a little harsh on im?
  • King Syze: Yer not pissed are yer?
  • Blowers: Oh look, an aeroplane, our first of the day. A slow-medium aeroplane, coming in from the third man boundary, isn't that fascinating?
    Sir Viv Richards: Err, haven't they just taken a wicket Henry?
    E Carpe Spanklines
    A gruesome hybrid whereby age-old jokes have new punchlines translated from foreign tongues.
    3, 15
    Ozzy Osbourne: Why did the chicken cross the road? Je ne sais f___in pas! Conduct a quiz on legal statutes involving sieves. Well, that'd worry most sheep)
    When is a door not a door? // Jeder Freitag ist ein Tag der guten Tat.
    Aggers: ¿Cómo es eso?
    F Ionesco's Cat
    The dregs of a previous drama collide head-on with feline nostalgia.
    8, 9
    Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___- GRROOAR!! Right, this'll show 'em. I've been doing my best recently, I've been shedding my hairs everywhere, especially on the King's spare robes. Oh, and I scratched every last cushion on his throne. Funny, though, none of the people in the castle seem to care any more - and I'm sure I've seen some hair and scratches that weren't mine. And more flies...
    Still, you can't beat some good old-fashioned midnight yowling. I'll just squat in this corridor and
    Meeeooooeew! Meeeooooeoeeew!
    MeeeooooewGRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!!
    Blowers: In comes the bowler, bowls, and... oh that's a lovely shot, placed carefully through the field but with the strength of a bear.
    G Call My 101 Uses For A Black And Decker Workmate
    Exactly what it says on the tin. Can you figure out what it's for?
    11, 23
    Ozzy Osbourne: As I get older, I find a Black and f___in Decker Workmate id the best f___in way to get the head off of a f___in bat before I can f___in chew it.
  • Fiona Bruce: So, having correctly guessed that all 3 definitions were indeed bollocks, it's Alan Coren's team's turn to explain *DING!*
    THE BEST USE FOR A BLACK AND DECKER WORKMATE
    Alan.
  • Alan Coren: Let me take you back to 17th century Italy, the time of Galileo Galilei. Now this gentleman's experiments had a lot of bollocks, I mean, balls, involved - dropping them, rolling them down things and so on. However, his timing methods were based on taking his own pulse, so should a pretty signorina pass by when his balls were dropping his data would be worthless. Now, what he really would've liked would've been an eggtimer, an hourglass, but of course these weren't so widely available then. And the reason? The Black and Decker Workmate didn't get to Italy until 1946. A Black and Decker Workmate is for pinching molten glass to make the pinch to make eggtimers.
  • Minor Celeb #1: San Francisco, 1906. An earthquake, measuring 8.3 on the Richter Scale struck and nearly totally destroyed the city. This, of course, was San Andrea's Fault, or even due to the San Andreas Fault. But why are there no huge chasms in the ground still, like you get in cartoons and cheap films? Well, the answer is that, thanks to their superior strength and grip, the best way to close these gaps was with Black and Decker Workmates. So that's what the early 20th century Californians did.
  • Fiona Bruce: Running out of time, could we have the third definition lightning-fast please, Minor Celebrity #2?
  • Minor Celeb #2: Black and Decker Workmates have no purpose at all. People just buy 'em so they look like they can do DIY, and so we can make jokes about them. Purely ornamental.
  • Christopher Martin- Jenkins: I say, I remember down at Sussex one season, the stumps were caught under the heavy roller, totally destroyed. Or at least one would have thought. But this clever lad, you see, Johnny I think his name was, had one of those new-fangled Black and Decker Workmate things, and he was able to straighten them up again! Mind you, Sussex lost. I was most peeved.
    H Sheridian Sound Charades: Late Review
    Pay careful attention at the back. Film, one word.
    13, 14
    Ozzy Osbourne: Tuj is the worst f___in Sound Charader I've ever f___in seen! He can never f___in guess anything!
  • Kirsty Wark: So, a totally cliched political report followed by an oddly incongruous feature on bear-baiting branded as current affiars. Lady Thick, your view?
  • Lady Thick:Well, I'd surmise that Actons of such a cosine pusilanimous would be adjunctly uncompetitive with modern felicitations!
  • Kirsty Wark: Really?
  • Lady Thick: Quite indistinctly! And the dodecahedral municipality of it all, well! It rutled me to my very installations!
  • Kirsty Wark: And in the absence of Poor John Lovelie, for, um, personal reasons, we can cross over now to King Syze, our senior political critic.
    [Cut to King Syze, holding a cardboard cut-out of a screen surroud in front of him. The camera pans in slightly, attempting to give the impression we are in fact seeing an image of King Syze on an expensive laser display board]
  • King Syze:Well, the vilifications of the... Egad!
    [Cut to Poor John Lovelie as he enters, brandishing a small bowl of custard, from which a low rumbling emanates]
  • Lady Thick: Egad! He's chastising a bowl of porridge!
  • Kirsty Wark: No, don't be daft, it's custard. But why is it emitting a low storm-like sound?
  • Poor John Lovelie: [madly] Cower brief mortals, for this is my...
  • Sir Viv: Yes, well, we had a good time watching a Sheridan play during my last English tour. Still, de language was a little convoluted, no-one talks that way any more, eh Henry?
    Blowers: Of course not, my dear old thing!
    I Farmyard Film Club
    A brand new furcation, where the panellists must devise film titles to amuse shepherds, farmhands and the like. But not bears.

    *

    Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___in ell, no more animals! Firstly, the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle The Germinator. CMJ: I say, what a terrible pun!
    J Describing One Song To The Tune Of Another with the help of a Cartier Bracelet
    Humph rambles on, but what's that on his wrist?
    7, 20
    Ozzy Osbourne: Oh FCUK! ...as the car in front is a Toyota, and therefore Tune 2a, then the removal of the engine of Volkswagen 1a is analogous to the second, or 'other' tune, as played by Colin Cellnet on his Steinway. Of course, I'm sure you're all now thinking 'Where do Black and Decker Workmates or Jacob's Creek wines come into this?' Instead I'm going to answer the question 'Who removes the engine?' Well, personally I'd take the car to Kwikfit to have this done, mainly as it's next door to the One Stop where I buy my Polo mints and a copy of the Independent anyway. However, maybe you know of a Seat garage by the Safeway's where you get some Carlsberg and the Radio Times, but ideally that's beside the point. Don't forget that the main concept to be grasped is... Aggers: In comes the bowler, bowls to the new batsman... and he's out! Caught behind! And he's made a golden Toilet Duck!
    K MC: Eleven Mover
    You know, there just wasn't enough Mornington Crescent being played here. Here's a little puzzler to keep the die-hard fans in. MC in 11, upon which this furcation is programmed to self-destruct.

    *

    Ozzy Osbourne: F___ Allbright's opening, what's wrong with f___in Seven Sisters? Right, I'll set it up as a classic Chalk Farm '84, but with diagonals initially blocked under Najek's Construction so as to reduce the Freem Co-efficient sufficiently. And then Allbright's opening, Totteridge and Whetstone, and home at Goodge Street. Blowers: I must say I'm not such an aficionado of such limited-overs competitions.
    L The Oats / Chekhov Interface
    A disfurcation - previous drama strand #20 with a Cartier Bracelet forcibly removed.
    20
    Ozzy Osbourne: I remember arguin with the other Sabbath guys about whether life is as futile as growing f___in oats in a minefield. Nothing I like more than a good f___in bowl of porridge. [Bert and Graziela embrace]
  • Bert: Ah! Clearly our impending happiness is a metaphor!
  • Graziela: For the eventual triumph of human spirit over all that cruel fate throws at us?
  • Boleti: [sulkily] Nope. That at the end of the day it's all about sex.
  • Graziela: Oh be quiet, you vulgar little man. Happiness through diversity, as the oats are seen to flourish throughout the fields.
  • Boleti: Well, not any more. [Enter Prince Charming]
  • Bert: Oh bollocks.
  • Boleti: Should've said it was just sex, I told you!
  • Graziela: Are you not dead, Prince Charming, former flame of mine? Perished as and with the oats?
  • Prince Charming: Do I look dead? Let me explain. Since my happy childhood in Moscow, I have had a twin brother, our closeness akin to the unified resilience of our country against Western treachery. My brother, Mikhail Charming, assuming the name Azulejo, was recently a servant of house, until it was decided that we should exchange places for safety.
  • Boleti: What's that a metaphor for then?
  • Prince Charming: Not much really. Got the idea from Star Wars Episode I. Oh, and I wanted to be closer to Graziela again...
  • Blowers: And the ball rolls over the boundary rope, and he has made a hundred! Quite splendid innings! And the crowd, to a man, rise and applaud, like a field of oats in the breeze!
    M Four Jet Set Bakers
    Four Words. Two games. One furcation.
    19, 25
    Ozzy Osbourne: That's total f___in rubbish! Back to Bathroom / Hammersmith Blowers: Splendid! Oh I say!
    N Late Review Does Just A Minim
    A response to all those people who saw Germaine Greer's performance in Brendan's move and shouted 'Encore!'
    17
    Ozzy Osbourne: It's nice to hear some f___in music for a change. I've had enough of my f___in daughter... sings like a cat in a f___in blender!
  • Mark Lawson: I think it's fair to say that, indeed, after our show two weeks ago, we received a flood of interest from our viewing public after Germaine Greer's performance. However, contrary to all your requests, we're going to have an encore. Germaine, however, can't be with us tonight, as she was served some food of dubious quality at a non-indigenous eaterie which will remain unnamed. So we asked Tom Paulin - wait, don't switch off, he's not in any costume - to have a go.

    [Tom Paulin waves]

    Mark Lawson: And of course, as he's one of our critics, he has a certain arrogant streak, so he had to find an extremely difficult song. So, with the Barenaked Weasels, the Late Review house band, Tom Paulin will now perform a song called "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!" by the Barenaked Ladies.

  • Tom Paulin:
    Enough is sufficient equals plenty or ample also adequate and abundant's same as necessary again
    I called your bluff 'cause you think you're so tough
    Because you can make enemies out of friends
    I am getting sleepy; I'm in your command
    Yes! Good!! Fine!!! I understand
    Indeed! Correct!! OK!!! I comprehend

    Over and above or higher which is more, also repeated, re-iterated, even recurring anew
    The experts concur so we're sure it occurred
    We infer the sword is mightier than the pen
    Your location is Atlanta; I am in a band
    Affermative! Agreed!! True!!! I'm part of a musical group
    Assuredly! Certainly!! Indubitably!!! It makes sense

    A fact is a truth or a reality, a certainty, nay an event, even an incident to misunderstand
    And all the detractors who question the cracks
    Have been asked to retract or face reprimand
    You are always lying; I am on the lam
    Undeniably! Indisputably!! Evidently!!! I see
    Incontestably! Surely!! Unarguably!!! It is perceived

    Repetition of suspicion
    Takes a lie and makes it truthful

    Nearer and closer, less further or far, perhaps adjacent / adjoining to our demise
    The fear we adhere to appears to be steering
    Our ears to where we're only hearing lies
    With us our against my people; the line is in the sand
    Certifiably! Unfalteringly!! Securely!!! I perceive its meaning
    Definitely! Very much so!! Without a shadow of a doubt!!! I apprehend!!!!

    Iteration of misgivings
    Tranforms an untruth into a thing of veracity.

  • Mark Lawson: I think the only comment needed here is "Nice one, weirdo."
  • Mark Kermode: Nope, that was rubbish. The production values were good, but basic errors like picking a song no-one's ever heard of let it down.
  • Mark Lawson: Well, I thought it was quite good actually.
  • Mark Kermode: Oh shut up, baldy.
  • Aggers: Interesting tactics from the captain here. Many criticise the selection of a relatively unknown song, but he seems to have pulled it off jolly well. Mind you, he's picked a song with triple repetition in the title, strings of six or seven repetitions... it even repeats the word 'repetition'! And of when your technique with the thesaurus is that good you can't really go wrong.
    O Psycho Haiku
    Here that knotty question is finally answered: what do you get when you cross Japanese No Theatre with the lyric intensity of Just A Minim? The first letters of this haiku form the first line of another haiku. Not quite fractal complexity, but tricky nonetheless.
    17, 26
    Ozzy Osbourne: FFS. FF
    S, FFS, FFS.
    FFS. O f___!
    The old writings read
    In there ev'ry ancient hai
    And its ku under.
    CMJ: Not a country noted for its cricketing prowess, Japan.
    P Gazuga-Worshipping Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent
    I'll explain this slowly. The game we all know and love, with a Gallifrean twist, and then played while worshipping Gazuga.
    21, 29
    Ozzy Osbourne: I wish I'd been f___in christened Martha Farquar! Time to flee from Martha Farquar's trap to a location nearer the interstitial time delay helix, namely Westminster, but Frau Farquar shall feel the wrath of Gazuga soon enough. By the way, are cybermen wild? They are no match for Gazuga's mighty lizard hordes. Blowers: I say, who is this Gazuga chap?
    Q Kandra Woods
    Continuing frumitious (and indeed frumtious) verse.
    27
    Ozzy Osbourne: I saw a f___in Tharl once. I think I was stoned at the time. Can't f___in remember. "A Tharl!" he thunked, "In Kandra Woods!"
    "And ranxing as though in its proods!"
    So to his nurlsome pack he made
    To divestile his taunic blade.
    Aggers: There's still a long-running debate about the use of Tharls outside the limited-over games, but personally I think it should be allowed.
    R Maximum High-Speed Reverse Obliterate Ruttsborough's Ostrich
    "Maximum of 5 moves: starting with the ostrich, lose it. Go!"

    *

    Ozzy Osbourne: F___in ell! A f___in ostrich on the Tube? This is good f___in stuff! And after that devastating pincer attack (reminiscent of Projoy himself) I have the ostrich pinned at Homerton. Huzzah! Blowers: Oh I say, a most excellent ostrich capture, rather reminiscent of Sir Viv Richards!
    Sir Viv: Of course, de ostriches we used were smaller.
    S Ever-Decreasing HYPEarthquakes
    A change of direction, but essentially the same game.
    31
    Ozzy Osbourne: Is it my f___in eyes, or are there 32 headlines on this f___in newspaper?
    POPE NOT QUALIFIED OR CELIBATE SINCE 1066 SOME
    WIVES
    EXCEPT IN
    FOURSOME
    URSINE , SAYS INQUIRY - REPORTS
    CARDINAL
    ACCORDING TO
    PRIVILEGE
    SURGEON , CLAIMS ROYAL SPOKESPERSON SHOWING
    BENEFICENTLY
    VATICAN WITHOUT
    - SHAME
    NOR ALIEN OR EVEN
    FEAR
    DENTIST FROM
    CLAIMS
    CATHOLIC - ALLEGATION FROM CARDINALS OF MORE
    UNDENIABLE
    GIBSON PASSIONATE
    ENCOUNTER
    VERIFIED WITH WITH REPETITIVE
    STUTTERING
    - DISAPPOINTED NUNS
    , VAGUELY
    DENIED BY BEAR ATTACK HEADLINES
    -ING
    APOLOGETIC BROWBEATEN
    BEAR
    EVENTUALLY ALTHOUGH - BISHOP NOW
    DISPUTED
    - RELIEVED POPE'S
    HIMSELF
    Blowers: And that's the last ball of the day. A level match so far?
    Sir Viv: Even stevens.
    Blowers: What will the papers tomorrow make of it?
    Sir Viv: Mountains out of molehills, probably.

    Well, I'm quite pleased just that that worked, and for the loss of just one /font tag in furcation G. Not bothered by the quality (or otherwise) of the move, but the table's nice.
    Bzzzt! Repetition of 'OR' in the HYPEarthquakers...

    [Shurely 'Congratulations'? -- Ed.]

    Well, that wasn't worth the effort.
    *looks in, falls over, crawls out*
    *copies boolbar*
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    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord