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King AVMA the III
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Finally inheriting the title after 70 years.
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[s.p.s.] No, but what a dapper animal.
I just learned of the existencd of the Antarctic neosquid, no doubt after having ingested a red pill. Is that it?
[Antarctic neosquid] No. That's sort of the opposite of the one I'm after
Opposite to the icy Antarctic, you say. Could it be Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the vampire squid from hell?
[Vampyroteuthis infernalis] Good guess, but you picked the wrong opposite. There are several possibilities.
Also, vampyroteuthis is not a squid. According to Monterey Aquarium, at least.
Tusoteuthis?
The purpleback flying squid (Sthenoteuthis oualaniensis)?
Flying squid. Two words that seem to go together as well as "bunch" and "water".
Found in Monterey Aquarium?
[Tusoteuthis] No. [Flying] No. [Monterey] No.
Squids aren't my forte, but it seems clear that those who name them lack nothing in creativity!
Gonatus fabricii? (Not to be confused with the late Timbergling avicii.)
[Bismarck] Agreed, but I think equal credit ought to go to the squids themselves.
[Gonatus fabricii] No
Australiteuthis aldrichi?
Wait, we’ve had the colossal squid, but have we had the giant squid – Architeuthis dux?
(autocorrect suggested “colossal squirrel”, and I shall lose some sleep over that mental image.)
[a.aldrichi] No. It's so teeny tiny!
[giant squid] No, but getting warmer, I think.
Giant Aquatic Squirrel?
[aquatic squirrels of unusual size] I don't believe they exist
Is it over one metre in size?
[>1m] Oh yes.
The internationally-flavoured Dana octopus squid, Taningia danae? Bioluminescent photophores fitted as standard.
[Taningia danae] No. Wow, but no.
How about this fella?

(the one on the right.)
[photographic evidence] Nu-uh
Is it of the family Cranchiidae?
[Cranch family] No.
Does the genus end in "-teuthis"?
[teuthises] Nope. audience applauds encouragingly
Is it a species of glass squid?
[glass squid] No, they're Cranchiidae
Oops. Okay well while I'm here, are they found in the Pacific Ocean?
[Pacific] Yes!
I am learning so much about squid. I hope some of it sticks with me.
That's great but now I've forgotten what I was getting at with that question.
Family Ommastrephidae?
[Ommastrephidae] No, not ommastrephidae
Is it a glass squid?
Bzzt! Repetition!
What about the frankly terrifying Magnapinnidae family?
[Magnapinnidae] Yep. That's the bunny
A winner?
I reckon you should give that to goldfinch. All the Magnapinnidae unknown from specimens which are well under a meter long, under the famous photograph doesn't doesn't have a species name attached to it yet.
Actually yes, I think that would be fair. On Wikipedia, I've just found that 'Magnapinnidae' jumps directly to the particular species in question.
So I shall hereby pass on this very, very long, writhing, sucker-covered, er, baton.
Is it a goldfinch?
No but it’s just as ABSTRACT.
As abstract as a goldfinch? Hm. Does it have a known unladen airspeed velocity?
Does it begin with P?
[velocity] no it’s more abstract than that
[p] no
Relativity?
Was it known to Plato?
A giant aquatic squirrel?
[relativity] but less abstract than that
[plato] no
[giant aquatic squirrel] surely an animal?
An emotion?
[emotion] no (slightest ripple of interest)
Is it astronomical?
[astronomical] no
Morniverse-related?
[morniverse] no, but there was another tiny ripple there
Guesswork?
[guesswork] meta but no
Is it a riddle?
[riddle] no.
I’ll add that it is a thing that exists and has properties, rather than a concept. It has ANIMAL/MINERAL connections but is neither.
The odour of animal faeces?
Putting it politely
[dungsmell] a fair guess but no.

Half a step in the right direction though.

A sensation?
[sensation] of sorts
FEEEELINNGGS, WHOA WHOA WHOA FEEEELLLINNGGS ?
[FEEEELINNGS] the song? or the concept of feeling?
[Resists switching to Boney M, but its a struggle]
As in, emotions.
Sorry, rather than, a specific emotion, which I had already
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