I think I overheard someone explaining that one at work today; it's the term for some piece of 'assistance' rendered by management to employees that is supposed to save time and money but is actually practically useless. E.g. "I wanted a sword and he gave me a velvet scabbard." The velvet bit refers, I think, to the fact that management find these things quite attractive in a "buzzwords and warm glows" way.

I've got one for you: Pudding elbow

Embarrassment caused by over-reaching oneself. Derived from the fate of those who, in reaching for the cream, dangle their sleeves in the Charlotte Russe.

Cornish Date?

This is a thing rather like a haggis, but instead of wholesome meat and vegetables it's filled with dried fruit. It was originally made for tin miners to take to work as a kind of packed lunch, the rationale being that it was so revolting it would make working in a tin mine seem not so bad after all.

An acquaintance asked if I want to try salty surfing. Do I need a licence?

This is simply another name for bodysurfing, where you use yourself as the board. More salt in the face, you see.

What do you think of a round of foot crepes?

No thanks. Those large, round discs of dead skin from the soles of your feet are hard to make palatable.

Purple lampoon?