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Limerick Showcase
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A chance for players to showcase whole limericks for amusement & edification. Standard winning move for the purposes of euthanasia.
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The question of whether to live
Resolves all my thoughts like a sieve
If this too solid flesh
Were dissolved in a mess
There would be no goddammit to give.


As I went out one Saturday night
I'm embarrassed to tell you my plight
But my belt buckle broke
And I mooned a poor bloke
So he screamed and then ran out of sight


Sometimes I sits here and I thinks
Sometimes I sits here and I thinks
Sometimes I just sits here
Sometimes I just sits here
Sometimes I sits here and I thinks


When your thinking is over dear friend
And your worries has come to an end
Then it’s time to start over
Roll around in the clover
And a new stupid game to attend

He'd avoided the old hangman's noose
From the gallows he had gotten loose
There's no rope 'round his neck
But, Hey! What the heck?
Now it's wrapped 'round his caboose.


The charm of her smile was too much
It came on with the slightest of touch
When she flirted with me
I fell flat to my knee
Cause the Lady had stolen my crutch!

From Liverpool, where I lived wild,
I was led me to the moors; a mere child.
But when Cathy departed
I was left broken-hearted
And my rival in love I reviled.

I see that two full months have passed
Not a single new Lim'rick's been cast
Is the well of rhyme dry?
Is this game sure to die?
Please let not this verse be the last.

When in love you may well get a Heartache
Because love is as frail as a snowflake
Hearts melt quicker than snow
High pulse rate makes them glow
Though true love will survive the worst earthquake


I once was compared to a day
T'was summer; my love he did say
He then mentioned dimmed
And matters untrimmed
Good riddance young man - I'm away!


A rich man once tried via camel
To pass thru the eye of a needle
And though one got through
With his wealth in tow
He fell off - and went to the devil.


A lad named Jack with an urge to kill
Met his match in his step sister Jill
Both conceived of the crime
At the very same time
And got pushed to their deaths with a squeal.

On day one He made dark and made light
Next three days: earth, sea, trees and stars bright
Fish and birds on day five
Six made man and beasts live
Then He paused as He thought "That's alright!"

There once was a lady called Chalky
Who I spoke to on my walkie-talkie
She said, "Hello Rosie"
I said "Don't be dozy"
"You really wanted old Uncle Korky."

I’m stuck with my Siamese twin
When he’s going out then I’m coming in
He was screwing this miss
And of course got all bliss
But I just got blisters on my foreskin.


Timon gave all his money away
So his debts he could no longer pay
His friends all proved false
So he left Athens' walls
And struck gold, but then died anyway.


Eve was the apple of Adams eye,
And he was so fond of apple pie,
When the snake one day said:
Eat that pie - you'll be dead
He ate all, now he’s dead, and that’s why...


“I use a naughty lim’rick diet
To enhance my libido at night;
Helps the ol’ blood flow too,”
Endorsed Mr. MaGoo,
“And it’s done wondrous things for my sight.”

There now follows a sad tale of poor customer service in the Himalayas:
I once met an ill-tempered yak
Who configured my girlfriend's new Mac
He charged twenty quid
For all that he did
But I think I want fifteen quid back.


One might think that Will's lost the plot
Milk freezes yet crabs sizzle hot
As Love's Labour ends
Drear 'Winter' attends
And greasy Joan still keels the pot


On the moor a green lantern glows,
Midst heather's scent the cold sea breeze blows,
Waves were a crashin’
The clans be a clashin’
The mist lift and gray daylight grows...

More religion (Luke's version, rearranged, for assisted brevity!). Fourth line scansion is a little forced, but does fit:
Our father, we hallow your name
Your Kingdom will come, we proclaim,
Our daily bread feed us
To temptation don't lead us
Forgive sins, as we forgive same.

Her eyes are not much like the sun
Her breasts are not white but mere dun
Flutes make finer sound
Her feet tread on the ground
But the truth is, for me she's the one.

The Nostromo has answered a cry
Of distress, but it turns out a lie
A horrible monster
Wreaks havoc upon her
But Ripley wins with her last try.
There's an alien monster on board!
It's just one of a hideous horde!
It's picking us off
So hide and don't cough!
Someone does, and the rest all get gored.
The xenomorph's with us again!
At a prison camp full of tough men!
Ripley kills it, then leaves
But an egg gives her heaves
And the xenomorph's with us again!
It's been resurrected again!
And again and again and again!
They break out and fight
Ripley deals with her plight
As they kill all her team yet again.

Did the xenomorphs die in that crash?
To believe it might be rather rash
For if there's a way
That a new film will pay
To the hills you had better all dash.

*applause*
The Apocalypse comes, by these signs
The breaking of seals seven times
Seven trumpets shall blast
Seven bowls shall be cast
A new heaven and earth to refine.

Earth to earth, ash to ash, dust to dust
All come thus, so be not nonplussed
When judgement comes round
And the Last Trump shall sound
Let us hope, meanwhile die all we must.
A bit catchier than the usual rite.
Once a year Jolly Old Saint Nick
Will perform an astonishing trick
How it’s done no one knows
Except Mom and it shows
‘Cause she’s got her own private Dick.


Almost five years ago...
Chalky - In order to find my religion
Marc - I launched my best trained homing pigeon
irach - She returned in a day
Software - To show me the way
CdM - To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon


Almost four years ago...
Software - It's Friday, let's go to the pub
Simons Mith - For a beer and a B.L.T. sub
penelope - A packet of nuts
irach - And chicks with great butts
Marc - In the crowd we may get a good rub?


Almost three years ago...
Raak - Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Rosie - Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
KagomeShuko - Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Marc - Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Éirinn go Brách - Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"

Almost two years ago...
Kim - "Take care as you go up that ladder",
Raak - "And more HSA yadda-yadda"
Rosie - "At all times beware"
Marc - " 'cause our lousy health care"
cfm - "Won't clean up the blood that you spatter."


Exactly one year ago...
Marc - Now soon a new year will arrive
Rosie - It divides by three but not five
irach - Sum its digits - that's six
Software - Put them into the mix
Phil - What pleasure from sums we derive!


And a happy New Limerick-year to all clever coworkers !
Hidden textNon-rhotic pronunciation requested

A fine compilation by Marc;
The Last Rites rewritten by Raak;
Some Biblical verse
(Some better, some worse);
Embellish our Limerick Park


To begin with: old Marley was dead
But his ghost awoke Scrooge from his bed
The events of that night
Gave Scrooge such a great fright
That he wished people merry instead.


In the winter we must feed the birds
They are hungry and come in great herds
They love sunflower seeds
It fills most of their needs
And the pay you with white little turds

And they pay you with white little turds.
Dirty old Dan had escaped
From a prison, rectangular-shaped.
That silly buffoon
Had dug out with a spoon,
When the jail bars were merely scotch-taped!

Asimov's entire robot stories:
“Protect humans, obey, and survive”
I was taught, but from this I derive
The collective is all
And humanity’s call
Overrides my original drive.

I found that one in an old file I just came across. Here's a few more:

The Foundation trilogy

Foundation

The Empire is going to pot
Psychohistory’s all that we’ve got
To lessen the pain
And let good rise again
Just ten centuries Seldon allot.

Foundation and Empire

The mutant is breaking the Plan
Seldon couldn’t foresee just one man
The Second Foundation
Will be their salvation
But it has to stay hid if it can.

Second Foundation

They’ve discovered the Second Foundation
It gives the First great consternation
They spring a fine trap
And think it’s a wrap
To the Second Foundation’s elation.

One I composed while killing 20 minutes in a pub in Theale (pronounced "teel") last night

There was a young lady of Theale
Whose embonpoint verged on surreal
And on Saturday night
There's a rumour she might
Let me and my mates cop a feel.


[Phil] I had to lookup embonpoint . The illustrative use that Google returns is wonderful: "the lady of a certain age and uncertain embonpoint wore strapless black lace kept up by sheer determination".
[Raak] Splendid!
This one was sent to me from an old friend so I don't know the origin:
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

This is his source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei68YJe-nA0
[Marc] That one dates from before WWII.

On an isle far away one man sits
"Tell us why" his hosts cry; and he spits
"Do the worst that you can
I'll remain a free man!"
Two years later they've lost, and he splits.


Thx Stevie. Then maybe this one is from before WWI??
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
And he shouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.

[Stevie] Thanks for making me check. I had no idea Braille was so old. You find out the strangest things through the world of Limericks
Opus 617

In the belly's a drum made of steel
Spinning a million revs by the feel
We'll fly low, and he'll drop
With a hippety-hop
And a bang to make Miss Möhne reel


We shall go right on to the end.
Our island we'll ever defend -
On the beach; in the street;
In the air we'll defeat
The Nazis and never surrend
-er
To be read in your best Chief Inspector Clouseau voice

The fortification outside
Is constructed thick, long and wide
But all this, my dear general
May be rendered ephemeral
If the Germans just go round the side


Ode to an MCer

The roof has just let out a groan
There's grim silence when I lift the phone
Wind's howlin' it's snowin'
Rain gauge's overflowin'
TV's dark. I'll get out my trombone


Another one from my old friend:
An invalid from Albuquerque
Was suddenly feeling quite perky
So he screwed both his maids
And his two nursing aides
And the woman who made his beef jerky.


O Captain! Our fearful trip's done,
Racks weather'd, and prize we sought won.
The grim vessel draws near.
Bells ring, people cheer,
But my captain, your blood does not run.

O Captain! Rise up, hear the bell.
See the flag, hear the bugle as well.
Ribbon'd wreaths line the shore;
'Tis you they call for,
As I cradle you, dead as you fell.

My captain is mute; pale and chill.
He feels nothing; no pulse, no will.
Exult, ring a bell!
As I tread where he fell,
My Captain, cold and dead still.

Phil: I stand up in attention, chin up, chest out, shoulders back, stomach in, in admiration of your submission! My friend keep mailing me, no source stated:
There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurts when she’d pee
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
of the captain, the purser, and me."

Thanks, Marc. Here's one from Byron, which I didn't know till today (not being a big fan of poetry):

No more roving so late into night,
Though our hearts still love and the moon's bright.
For the soul wears the breast,
Love itself must have rest.
We shall not love or rove by moonlight.


[Phil] By gad, sir you are impressive! Well played, sir, well played!
Thanks, Stevie. Verse three of "O Captain! My Captain!" was a bitch, but well worth the half hour it took to make it work.

No forests or mountains for me
I look on such things with great glee
Every wave on a shore
sends me longing for more
I was born by the side of the sea…

Just stopped by to give Ol' Blunder a shout. Just made up this one on the spot. ciao
There once was a lady named Dot
Who’d nothing to do with the DOT
But there’s some do claim
The two were the same;
For she’d this space men parked in a lot.

This one I wrote a long time ago at another Limerick site and it came from the bottom of my heart:
Do not leave us now little Bear,
We’re missing your good lines out there,
The quality is low,
Production rate slow,
Please come back little Pooh hear our prayer!
and it is still valid to a great extent...
There Once Was a Bridge in Westminster

The Earth can show nothing more fair;
Beauty's garment this City does wear.
Temples, ships and domes lie
Clear to fields, to the sky,
All glitt'ring and bright in pure air.

And ne'er did the sun fairer steep,
Nor did I such a calm feel so deep!
As the river's sweet will
Glides it past that heart, still.
Dear God! Houses too seem asleep.


Dunno why Wordsworth felt the need to use an extra four lines, myself!
Nice lines above - have incited me to give it my best effort

The country life, the country life
‘tis to be free of the city’s strife
Floods, drought, and frost
Are loves labor lost
And you’ll wake up sore as a banker’s wife

When a field is lying fallow
There is nothing more I hallow
As sowing the furrow
To rise up tomorrow
Waist deep in wheat tall and yellow

When the silk is nee on the corn
And the ear on cob is new born
The stalk is a castle
Enamored in tassel
- Come harvest my kingdom is shorn

I get my grapes straight off the vine
As do I berries and fruit for my wine
Though sugar were free
- my lil honey bee -
You’d still get all the business of mine

Today I’ve tickets to a play
But I haven’t that far to stray
That actor in the pine
That squirrel, he is mine
God has lent him to me for the day

Some folks: they long for, and go to sea
Beguiled by whales on the open lea
But the far cry of geese
‘tis that gives me no peace
It’s over the next mountain for me

Excellent!
Half a league, half a league did they ride
With "Forward the Light Brigade!" cried
"Charge for the guns"
Obeyed six hundred sons
Who rode into that valley untried.

"Forward the Light Brigade!" thundered.
No soldier knew someone had blundered
Not their's to ask why
Their's but to do and die;
To the valley of Death rode six hundred.

Cannon to left and to right
And ahead were more cannon of might.
Storm'd with shot and with shell
They rode boldly and well,
Till the jaws of Death were in sight.

They flash'd all their sabres so bare
They flash'd as they turned in the air
There sabring the gunners
As all the world wonders
They charged on their foe without care.

They plunged through the battery smoke,
Through the Cossack and Russian line broke.
All shatter'd and sunder'd
Rode back not six hundred
As the foe reel'd from their sabre-stroke.

With cannon to left and to right
And cannon behind out of sight
Storm'd with shot and with shell
While horse and man fell
The mouth of hell passed in their flight.

The world as a whole truly wonder'd
As out of that valley they thunder'd
The brave Light Brigade,
Can their glory e'er fade?
As we honour the noble six hundred!

[Phil] Tennymerick!
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