I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.

I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.

I'm not.

I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.

Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.

Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.

I'm really busy at work.

All cheese is watching your every move.

Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council

Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.

Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.

I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.

Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.

Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.

Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.

"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."

I like knives *slithery laugh*

I like slithering!

So do ophidiophobists.

Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.

He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.

I'm asleep.

Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.

I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.

Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.

Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?

Yes.

Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.

By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.

30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.

I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.

30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.

I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.

I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.

The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.

Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?

I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.