Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.

I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.

Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.

Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.

Klingon blood worms are delicious

If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.

Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.