Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.

It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.

I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.

"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.

Snot is the new plasticine.

And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.

The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".

Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.

I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.

My computer is made of leather.

The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.

[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.

By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.

Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.

The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.

"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.