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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."
As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.
I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.
My vocabulary consists of just six words.
I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.
My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.
There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.
I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.
"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.
I am suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.
The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.
All the letters in "pants" are silent.
There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.
Boolbar's post didn't amuse me in the least
I deliberately used bold there.
A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.
A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.
Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut
My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.
The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.
I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.
Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.
[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>
When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!
There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.
Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.
I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.
Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.
Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!
The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.
The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.
50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.
Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.
Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.
The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.
When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.
I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?
Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.
Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.
[JLE] Works for me.
[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.
Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.
[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.
I can think of plenty of things to write here now.
I am pining for the fjords?
Pine is the new oak.
Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.
It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.
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