As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.

I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.

My vocabulary consists of just six words.

I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.

My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.

There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.

I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.

"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.

^I _am s^uff_erⁱng fr_om ⁱrr_it^abl_e v^ow_el syndr^om_e.

The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.

The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.

All the letters in "pants" are silent.

There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.

I deliberately used bold there.

A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.

A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.

Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut

My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.

The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.

I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.

Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.

[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>

When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!

There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.