A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.

I like marmot on toast for breakfast.

I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.

"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."

As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.

I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.

My vocabulary consists of just six words.

I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.

My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.

There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.

I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.

"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.

^I _am s^uff_erⁱng fr_om ⁱrr_it^abl_e v^ow_el syndr^om_e.

The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.

The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.

All the letters in "pants" are silent.

There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.

I deliberately used bold there.

A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.

A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.

Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut

My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.

The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.

I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.

Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.

[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>

When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!

There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.

Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.

I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.

Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.

Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!

The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.

The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.

50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.

Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.

Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.

The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.

When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.

I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?

Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.

Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.

[JLE] Works for me.

[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.

Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.

[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.

I can think of plenty of things to write here now.

I am pining for the fjords?

Pine is the new oak.

Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.

It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.

I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.

"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.

Snot is the new plasticine.

And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.

The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".

Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.

I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.

My computer is made of leather.

The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.

[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.

By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.

Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.

The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.

"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.

Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.

The Titanic was lunched in 1912.