Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)

I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.

Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.

That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....

[matt] You're allowed to Pass...

You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.

Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.

Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.

Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.

I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.

Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.

Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.

I can see the pub from here

David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.

There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.

I'd be averse to continuing.

I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.

I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.

Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.

Former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott has some wonderful anecdotes about dried fruits.

The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.

totally syntax grammar. and unnecessary is

Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.

And in related news, there has been a small wok riot in a Chinese Supermarket in Leamington.

Sewage farms are just a myth. They are really a front for the Women's Institute.

... which rather makes you wonder about what's in the jam.

Projoy, you are truly awful. Now I know how you won the Turner Prize.

The General Post Office has largely fallen into obscurity these days, mainly because people don't need Generals posting through the mail any more. However some small businesses are able to fulfil the remaining niche market, such as postmeageneral.com

Circles are only circular on Tuesdays.

Squares have always wanted to be circular, but they've never got round to it.

Triangles have no wish to be square, but they do have guardian angles.

Lines cannot become triangles because they have no three will.

Spheres taste of strawberry, but circles are just plane.

I was going to launch into a discussion of mapping of steeplechase course in non-directed graphs, but then changed my mind when I realised that I don't even understand simple coordinate systems - I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.

The Spanish government has decided to expel all members of ETA. By making them all leave via a single checkpoint it has effectively put all its Basques in one exit. (Points at Dunx: "Well, he started it!!")