I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.

Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.

And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.

The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.

Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.

There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.

Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter

tongue twisters make baby jesus cry

Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!

Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)

I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.

Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.

That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....

[matt] You're allowed to Pass...

You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.

Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.

Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.