With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.
Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.