I am the aardvark formally known as prince.

The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.

That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.

Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!

With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!

I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.

Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.

And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.

The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.