Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.

The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.

I am the aardvark formally known as prince.

The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.

That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.

Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!

With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!

I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.

Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.