Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches

Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.

Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.

This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.

*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.

I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.

Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.

Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.

The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.

I am the aardvark formally known as prince.

The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.

That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.

Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!

With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!

I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.

Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.

And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.

The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.

Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.

There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.

Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter