There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.

It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.

Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.

Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.

Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.

I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.

Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.

I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.

"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.