I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.

I also play the trombone.

Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.

I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.

My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.

Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.

The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.

Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.

Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!

The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.

Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.

I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.

Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.

Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.

In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.

The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.

There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.