Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.

All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.

James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.

[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!

Badgers only watch black and white movies.

Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.

The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.

At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".

If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.

Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.

I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.

Artichokes can smell fear.

Yes, it smells like butterscotch.

The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.

Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.

Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.

We've run out of lies.

I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.

It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.