Your carpet is alive. It is listening to everything you say, reporting everything you do to its masters.

Spam is people!

People aren't really that strange.

Jim] Thats not what you said this morning when you popped round (for a cup of sugar) and I answered the door in my caterpillar suit.

Beige is the new faun. Mustard is the new puce and ecru is the new off-white sort of cream.

My toungue is eleven feet long.

Nobody's ever commented about the length of my tongue.

Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.

Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.

Midnight velvet is the new black.

Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.

The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.

[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!

Maladya is the female form of Magenta.

Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.

Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.

'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.

Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.

Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.

There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.

The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.