I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*

Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.

Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.

Valletta is known as the Blackpool of the Mediterranean due to the high proportion of visitors from 'p north.

Your carriage awaits, my lady.

The baggage handlers at Manchester airport remove the contents of 1 out of every 10 suitcases and fill them with moss.

27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.

The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.

Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.

And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.

A puppy in the office increases productivity.

Sock puppets were invented by the Duke of Wellington when he wanted to entertain the troops.

Modern movies are still silent movies, they just enjoy a lot of people and an orchestra to stand behind the screen creating the sounds that you hear.

Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.

Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".

This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.

Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.