Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line Screwed up your face and did a little dance, Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.