I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.

Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.

I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.

Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.

I got up really early this morning.

Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.

Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...